Facebook Thinks I’m a Big Fat Loser

According to the banner ad I just saw, two of my facebook friends have a crush on me. They’ve even both written me love notes. All I have to do is click on the button “CONTINUE” to download an unspecified application and find out who they are and what they’ve written. 

And I’m really going to do that. Because it is *entirely likely* that two of my married-with-children female friends have themselves a Big Ol’ Girl Crush on me. Or even that two of my perpetually-single male friends are hot for some post-caesar saggy-baggy-mama-jugs action. And, I think, that is even more likely that at least two of my facebook friends have turned their hand to love poetry in their late 30s. Because that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re facing 40 head on. You pick up  your pen and you write. From the heart. 

But what’s this Facebook is telling me now? Someone I have never met, who looks like she’s from a different species all together, has got herself a little crush on me too? Can it really be true??

I am soooo going to add her as a friend. Though I think it’s a bit cheeky she wants me to confirm that she’s sent me Crush Message when she’s the one who’s actually sent it. Oh that Jenna, she’s such a card. FWIW LOL ROTFLMAO TIUTAF IYKWIM. Like, totally. 

Actually she probably only wants to be my friend because she saw this ad:

Personally,  I think “Mate one” might have an easier time finding the cure for cancer than a single guy of that calibre round these parts: any unmarried gentlemen over the age of consent in *my* ‘hood either come with their own colostomy bag and/or Parole Officer. But hey,  you have to admire a small business whose reach far exceeds its grasp. 

Interestingly enough, a lot of the ads on Facebook are specifically targeted by “age, gender, location, interests and more” (according to Facebook itself). The “and more” is the thing that intrigues me most.  I really like to think that someone at Facebook saw my profile picture and thought “Eeeeoooowww! That [NDM] is a total hottie! Jenna Simon would, like, totally be her BFF and hey, I know this bangin’ guy who just lives around the corner from her…”. But actually, it’s more likely it’s been noted in my facebook data profile that I went through a stage of playing Scrabulous with Complete Strangers and that I play far too much Scramble than is medically advisable. That is, they’ve pegged me as being  ”A Loser Who Needs a Social Life”.  Actually, make that “A Fat Loser who Needs a Social Life” since literally every second ad is for “The Supermodel Diet” (“I’m no supermodel but it worked for me!”) or the “Latest Celebrity Diet” (“I’m no celebrity but it worked for me!”) or the “South Beach Diet” (“I’m no south beach… etc”).

Of course, I just went and confirmed everything that Facebook thinks about me by clicking on that CONTINUE button because, well, my curiousity got the better of me in the end and I’d hate to think there was someone out there (two people in fact) languishing away with unacknowledged love for me. And lo! I  came to a page that said “You Have (5) New Crush E-Cards!” Which means three more people fell helplessly and hopelessly in love with me with just one click of the button. Just like that! Disappointingly, the site then just wanted me to send some Crush E-Cards to my friends and there was no further mention of my fan-base-of-five. But I know – I know! – that they’re out there somewhere, writing more poetry, loving me from a distance. The banner ad told me so and those things do not lie. Ever.