Beneath the Mild-Mannered Lawyer’s mild-mannered exterior lies the heart of a Shit-Stirrer. I began to realise this when I received unsolicited facebook messages from her entitled “Rival Cake Maker”, detailing a certain gorilla birthday cake she had seen at a party, along with cupcakes dotted with green sprinkles and with little plastic jungle animals for the children to keep.
“[The maker of the gorilla cake] said she bought a gorilla cake-mould. Is that cheating?” asked the MML, all wide-eyed innocence.
“The use of moulds is definitely cheating,” I wrote back, all the while knowing that the one time I tried to use a mould the whole cake collapsed in on itself. “And as for plastic jungle animals, that’s just trying to buy the children’s love. Pah!”
Pah, indeed.
Now, I never claim to be much of a cake decorator, although it’s something I enjoy doing and seem to do a lot of. Like a lot a lot. However, my friends The Fabulous Miss Jones and the Suburban Diva are far more accomplished than I. Whenever I am faced with Miss Jones’ icing roses (where every petal has been carefully hand-crafted) or the Diva’s glorious mint-leafed mermaid tail, I always think “Shop Quality”. My cakes fall (crumble?) more in the “Home-Made-With-Love” category, particularly with my last-minute-super-freak-out-patch-up jobs using marshmallows and M&Ms (see “The NDM Guide to Decorating Birthday Cakes” for examples).
In any case, having a “birthday cake rival” would suggest that I looked upon the Birthday Cake Arts as a competitive sport. And we all know that I don’t have a competitive bone in my body. No, no. Not me. Anyone who has ever read my blog and been pressured to sign up for an email subscription purely to increase my stats will know that.
And so, I tried to erase the image of this alleged gorilla cake masterpiece and its accompanying cupcakes from my mind and get on with my life as a Wife, Mother and Rabid Monkey Blogger.
But then last weekend, I was just sitting around, minding my own business and obsessively checking my blog stats, when I got another NDM-baiting email from the Mild-Mannered Lawyer – this time with a photo of a Wall*E cake made by yet another of her (obviously numerous) cake-making friends. No message. Just letting the picture do the talking. And let me tell you, them’s definitely fighting words. You see, the MML knows full well that I, too, have attempted the WALL*E cake – it was the “It” Cake for 2008, after all.
So what are you playing at here, MML? Is it a good old-fashioned Cake-Off that you want? Is it?? Well, (mild-mannered) lady, you got it. I’ve subsequently gone and created the first Official “Not Drowning, Mothering” Reader’s Poll. And you’ve only got yourself to blame.
But hang on one dog-darn moment! Before anyone rushes ahead and votes, you should consider the following:
- one of the following cakes was made for a child not of the cake-maker’s loins and done for the price of an afternoon’s babysitting of two of her three children and a half-price haircut;
- one of the following cakes actually resembles the WALL*E character, whereas the other is based loosely on some cartoon version drawn by some non-Pixar-affiliated artist and randomly found via google images;
- both of the following cakes were no doubt made with blood, sweat and tears – but considering the bladder control issues of one of the cake-makers, urine was possibly involved as well in the making of one of them.
Okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest…. let the people choose cake!
Two cakes, one choice: You. Decide.
I always make birthday cakes (generally really rubbish ones) late at night so as to avoid the interference of my children.
Cake baking with kids lulls you into a false sense of security – this is why you had children! This is real motherhood! Then you realise that everything you are making would be condemned by health and safety officials within a nanosecond of leaving the oven.
Children are interested in two aspects of cookery; licking the bowl and making cakes look as if they have been vomited up by a dog which has recently eaten a box of poster paints. Anything in between is hard work, and should therefore be left to mother.
If your children are old enough to spoon the mixture into cake cases on their own, their cakes will come out of the oven looking like the sunken nipples of a 900-year-old mummy. You will still be expected to eat them.
Love your cake, though. I should send you a pic of mine to make you feel REALLY smug.
Cake A may look like it could zoom around the room, but you just know the cake bit WON’T be tasty. Cake B looks delicious/fun/more animated AND has more smarties… a total winner!
your poll let me tick three boxes. and counted all of them. you should run a country or something. you could legislate on cake eating matters.
womaninblack – making birthday cakes is definitely a strategy I employ to cover-up all my woeful inadequacies as a housewife and mother.
dr L – my poll-making is almost as good as my cake-baking. I’m hoping to become a Joey Lucas-style pollster alla “The West Wing”
And for the record, L-Beer is an impartial stranger who also happens to be my cousin.
Whatever happened to just buying a cake from the cheesecake shop? Is that aluminum foil on cake B? Cake A has to win because all of it looks edible and Cake B looks frightened, can’t eat something that looks scared.
I’m loving that Dr L thought outside the box enough to try ticking all three boxes – love that crazy lady! If she loved it that much then perhaps you should rustle one up for her own special birthday next year? Shedloads of elan plus smarties for all.
Don’t listen to Miss A incidentally – the only reason Cake B looks scared is because it is awe-struck at its own gloriousness. I get attacks of that from time to time – the curse of greatness…
Come to think of it, Miss A’s opinion doesn’t count anyway as she is clearly related to the first cake. Strike her from the record….
Miss A – the aluminium foil is merely covering the hastily-made plywood cake-board. Not that I would know about that cake, necessarily.
The liontamer – always a pleasure. You’re right: only Dr L would tick all the boxes. As a general rule, she gets a tick in most boxes most of the time. As for Miss A being in the pocket of the maker of CAKE A? She has obviously has fallen on bad times that she would allow someone to buy her vote. We should pity her.
I’m with the lion tamer about Miss A.
As for the pure awesomenss (there is no charge for awesomeness or attractiveness) of your cake making skills, I am humbled by it. My mother has the same skills. Apperantly it’s not genetic, so I am doubly impressed. I love the Walle. I know for a fact my mom would never have made it in the shape of the character; so you win.
The one with the most smarties wins because the smarties are the best bit and everyone knows that whoever the cake server gives the most smarties to is the most beloved. So I would think that someone who puts a whole lot of smarties on a cake has a whole lot of beloveds.
It’s my daughter’s first birthday next month and I’m faced with the prospect of making my very first kid’s birthday cake. I’m a little terrified. I might be reading that guide to decorating NDM.
Ooooo I’m making my first child’s birthday cake too next month. I’m going for the Women’s Weekly number 1 cake, which is completely covered in smarties, so I win all contests!
yesterday i bought Lord F’s cake ready for his 7th this weekend. that’s right – bought. from coles. on special. $5.99. you win!
oh my god – his 7th – ‘give me the child til he’s 7 and i’ll show you the man’……yikes yikes yikes! it’s too late!
actual party is still a few weeks away though. maybe i will make one in the shape of the millenium falcon after all if my competitive streak flares up!
Mysplitmilk is on the right track with the smarties. The one with the most smarties and the thickest icing and the use of musk sticks wins. In fact, if the cake is all icing, it would be the awesomest and clearly cake A can not have a high icing to cake ratio.
On a completely unrelated note NDM, are there any other circumstances other than an international flight where it is acceptable to use over the counter medications on your children?
faemom – thanks for backing me, I mean, the lion tamer up.
mymilkspilt – you are totally right regarding the number of smarties. I have actually heard of birthday cakes that just have two smarties, say, for the gorilla’s eyes. Of course then you have yourself a CODE RED situation where all the children are clambering to claim “That Piece” with the smarties on them. Bad scene.
L-Beer – good luck with that cake. Don’t forget to freeze or at least refrigerate it first before icing to avoid “crumbage” because that way lies insanity.
mystery V – good luck with that Millenium Falcon Cake. I’ll happily pit it against my R2D2 cake when the photo comes in. Aren’t cake-offs fun?
nellie – you didn’t hear it from me, but the answer is yes – for example, if the temperature is going to be 40+ for four straight days and you decide its best for everyone to hibernate until the cool change comes in.
Smarties are definitely good. Freckles even better.
Of course the challenge hots up when the request comes for something as spiffy minus any ingredients derived from animals…
Well clearly cake B’s crushing victory would turn to ashes (never a good look for a cake) if not fairly won. Hence the need for rigorous testing of the voting system.
Obviously, I’ve been out of the birthday cake loop for a while (though clearly open to offers, if I am the one eating – thanks for the idea lion tamer, I may hold you to a), but whatever happened to hundreds of thousands?? – smaller to work with, yes, but cover a multitude of sins – and much harder to squabble over…
I love you dearly Dr L but never go down the hundreds & thousands suggestion route again (at least not in my earshot). Imagine if you will the fabulous, awe-inspiring, shocked-by-its-own-greatness Cake B adorned not in smarties but in hundreds and thousands – he would look less robot and more psychedelic mohair fetishist. Never a good look (unless I am behind on what’s new for Spring/Summer 09?). Have you received secret word from the catwalks of Paris (again)?
Also – in terms of the wrongness of hundreds and thousands – I have to ask – WHERE’S THE CHOCOLATE???????????????
You all are clearly insane. Buy a cake from a store. It all ends up in the same place, anyway.
I like cake A better for the realism, but Cake B for the pure, unadulterated rock-on-ness of it. Which is ultimately a reflection of the cakemaker her-I mean him-self.
And everyone needs a psychadelic mohair fetishist.
Cake A appeals to my OCD accounting heart, like a nice application of straight line depreciation.
I don’t know how to grade these really. How hard is it to make a perfectly square cake? Probably easy. Not a cake baker, here. I would say B shows more creativity, but A is just stunning. It’s like A took the more direct route that actually made more sense.
Your blog is, as always, very entertaining.
Now you’ve gone and done it NDM! Master D walked in while I was contemplating my vote and immediately said “I wish I had a birthday cake like that one…” So, Ms Smartie-Pants-Nigella-Has-Nothing-On-You-Cake-Baking-Goddess, how am I to replicate your masterpiece for allergy boy??? Huh? Huh? And given the range of allergies – no cover up smarties are allowed!
Sheesh. Still – I have three months to figure out the answer and maybe in that time a more two dimensional pixar character will appear….. But we can workshop it right? RIGHT?!?!
Cake A looks suspiciously like a cardboard box covered in icing. Are you sure there was cake in there. Did you actually have a piece? Did you see the ‘cake’ being cut? Or did the maker of such ‘cake’ conveniently take it inside to cut away from prying eyes and bring out slices a little too quickly…..almost as if the slices had been pre-cut from another not so impressive looking cake [insert dramatic music here].
Wow – I think both cakes are extremely impressive. If I have to choose, Cake B has perhaps had a bit of a hue & saturation adjustment so looks especially bright and perky… Plus, we’re looking right into his big innocent cartoony robot eyes so our heartstrings have been pulled, thus it’s hard not to want to choose him to take him home (and gob his head off).
This is coming from someone who has now, after 8 and a half years of mothering and 3 kids down the track, perfected the art of buying a cheap supermarket birthday cake and oh-so-gracefully squishing the favoured toy figure du jour into the icing to create a cool little action vignette – Peter Pan & Captain Hook with his treasure chest full of lollies one year, Donatello (the Ninja Turtle) & his freaked-out mutant cohorts another year, Ben10 schleppin’ around on his skateboard last year… Then ‘customising’ it by sprinkling freckles, smarties chocloate coins and other yummy kiddy treats all over it and around it.
I’m sure you all think I’m a totally shite mother but I tell ya – the kids LOVE IT and are just as joyous as the one time I did stay up til all hours doing some very lurid icing painting (to create the very obscure animated figure ‘Foo’ from the cartoon ‘The Save-Ums’ that had been requested by my 4 year old…).
And as for making a cake for a 1st birthday party – please, don’t do it to yourself! Your one year old will never remember and really you should just be drinking fine champagne and eating chocolates, all while receiving a massage from a very buff Swedish masseur, to congratulate yourself for getting through that first year; a magnificent achievement in itself.