Here’s my confession: the joys and benefits of Pet Ownership are somewhat eluding me right now.
Let’s put it this way: if you were to get all the Happy Pet Owners of Australia and gather them together in the Melbourne Cricket Ground, I would not come along to your little pet-lovin’ shindig. So don’t bother inviting me, okay? Look, don’t even talk to me about it. Sheesh.
And before you judge me too harshly, let’s just say that Genghis Cat (resident pet) represents just another member of this household who:
a) follows me around the house, hassling me to give him food;
b) turns his nose up at whatever food I give him;
c) wants to sleep in my bed;
d) wakes me up by crying loudly when I won’t let him sleep in my bed; and when I do let him sleep in my bed…
e) keeps me awake by biting my toes (admittedly the kids do it by jabbing my kidneys with those pointy toes of theirs)
f) unexpectedly shits, pisses and vomits in equally unexpected places around the house; and
g) gives me worms.
To add insult to injury, the cat makes a point of sitting right in front of me and licking his anus for, like, 20 minutes while I’m trying to eat my chocolate brownie and then leaping over and running his tongue across said brownie the minute I leave it unattended. At least the kids don’t do that – if only because it’s physically impossible for them to lick their anuses.
Experts say: pets make good friends.
I say: even my worst enemies haven’t thrown up on my bed.
Experts say: pet ownership has many health benefits.
I say: as long as I don’t eat that brownie.
Experts say: pets are good for stress-relief.
I say: as long as they don’t create more stress than they relieve. But then again, I sure feel much better after shouting “STUPID CAT!” at the cat. And it certainly feels way more comfortable than shouting “STUPID KIDS!” at the kids. Plus I can lock the cat outside when he’s really pissing me off. Or I can even lock him outside when the kids are really pissing me off. I mean, better the cat, right?
Shit, no wonder he’s so unreasonably angry. And I can’t even blame the cat for that one. Which makes me unreasonably angry.