Like many of my best ideas, the concept for the NDM Children’s Vomit Scale came from some quality piss-farting-about time on Twitter.
You see, I recently found myself boasting to twitter friend and blogging peer Mister Trivia that, thanks to my Famous Vomiting Children, there wasn’t much about vomit that I didn’t know.
“Why, I could write The Bristol Stool Scale equivalent for children’s vomit,” I boldly declared.
“Do it,” was @mrtrivia’s quick reply. “Name it after yourself. Distribute it to parents planet-wide. Appear on Sunrise. Tell Dr Karl he sucks. Become a media darling.”
And just when I thought my mandate couldn’t be much clearer, he threw in a “Brand yourself ‘Chuck Mom’ for the US and ‘Chunder Mummy’ for the UK and Oz” for good measure. You’ve got to hand it to him: that @mrtrivia has one hell of a strategic mind.
Anyway, I promptly churned out a first draft of the NDM Children’s Vomit Scale. And this is how it’s currently shaping up:
THE NDM CHILDREN’S VOMIT SCALE
TYPE ONE: Also known as “The Minestrone”, a Type One vomit is a little like a Britney Spears-style comeback of the last meal your child ate: it almost looks the same but is far less palatable. A Type One vomit is always surprising because a) it will almost certainly contain diced carrot even if it has been many moons since your child last even looked askance at a carrot; and b) the quantity of vomit will be much greater than the serving of food your child originally ate. | |
TYPE TWO: A Type Two vomit has a more concentrated, less chunky and eminently spreadable consistency. With the correct dietary input, it can resemble peanut butter. But with added carrot. | |
TYPE THREE: The Type Three is mostly liquid with the occasional chunklet, some of which will, of course, resemble barely-rehydrated carrot. You can heat this up and serve it in a tin mug as “cup-a-soup”. No-one will know the difference. | |
TYPE FOUR: Also known as “The Amoeba”, the typical Type Four vomit usually occurs in conjunction with a head cold. Everything (including the carrot) tends to hangs together in a phlegm-coated globular mass and seeing a Type Four in action is a little like watching someone give birth to an alien life form through their mouth. | |
TYPE FIVE: This is the closest thing to battery acid that the human body can produce, due mostly to the caustic qualities of carrot once finally broken down by the digestive system. Parents are advised to wear rubber gloves when handling this highly noxious substance. If left for too long, a Type Five vomit can burn holes through the floor boards and/or metal bed frames. | |
TYPE SIX: All bile, no chunk (or even chunklets) with an alarming flourescent quality. There has been some speculation that the Type Six vomit is the substance used to to fill those glow-in-the-dark bracelets sold at festivals and school discos. All I know is this here is some bad, bad shit. |
Impressive, huh?
Now, I’m going to delegate the next phase of implementation to you good people. I’m relying on you to pass the link to this blog post to every parent that you know. Even the ones who claim their children never vomit and secretly think I must be doing something terribly wrong like serving dinner on underside of the toilet seat to have my kids vomit as often as they do.
While you’re all busy doing that, I’m going to concentrate on choosing my outfits for the talk-show circuit (perhaps my signature look could be wearing a Sick Bucket for a hat?). I’ll also be mentally preparing myself for being stopped on the street constantly by grateful parents wanting to shake my hand and kiss my feet. “Oh, NDM!” they’ll say to me. “We’re just so happy that we finally – FINALLY! – have a mutual frame of reference with which we can talk to friends and strangers alike about our kids’ vomit.”
And that, ladies and gentleman, is my gift to the world.
BRILLIANT!!! The NDM ralph scale!!! it will be used in homes and hospitals alike ALL OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u could wear an outfit which is carrot colour.. cos there’s ALWAYS carrots in it!!!
Thanks, Emily. It’s this kind of enthusiasm that will get me on Oprah!
Shit you make me laugh. Am writing this as 7yo continuously talks to me. I don’t think he has shut up since yesterday lunch time. It has been a constant chat about everything that pops into his head. Everything. I only mention this because at a BBQ yesterday he had the spews being a mix between type 1 and type 4 x 4. He’s had a cold and has a post viral cough that of course, when he drinks 7 different types of softdrink mixed together rocket fuel style and then runs around like a maniac, it sort of causes him to spew and spew and spew. Although he wasn’t “sick” he was spewing in their back garden (lucky surprise dessert for their dog later) and I was mortified. They didn’t care but it seems all too familiar every family outing we have. As a result, the Morleys are on course for a bumper high society party season.
Ah, Bern. You good girl. There you are, slipping “Type 1” and “Type 4” casually into your comment, using the scale athough it be but only a half-hour old.
It brought tears to my eyes, I felt so damn proud. (Was also laughing about the dog’s surprise dessert).
P.s. If you could just make this up chart style, laminate and distribute to schools, so when they ring you and tell you you’re child is sick, they can just give you a scale rating. Thx
One hopes that this will be the first step that will lead eventually to ELLEN, no – make that the couch at THE VIEW. I am honoured to have played my small part. Now go tell the world about your Children’s Vomit Scale. Australia is with you!
I’m thinking that my scale would be very helpful for people watching “The View”, which is often referred to as “The Spew” round these parts.
Brilliant.
After Type Three has been exhausted and before the stomach lining is stripped there’s the dry heave retch that is mostly sweat and forehead blood vessels.
Type Six begins to make sense given its illustration’s similarity to a Primal Scream album cover.
Ah, MM! I did actually think about including the dry retch, but since the scale is more about the end product and not the action of vomiting, I decided to leave it out.
I am speechless with wonderment.
You are truly a legend and I am continually in awe!
Why, thank you Suburban Diva.
Yours, as ever, The NDM.
That’s truly awesome and all, but, can we please have iVomit 2.0 for adults who may or may not have had one too many jelly shots at say, a Grand Final get together??
I’m currently refining the Adult Vomit Scale. Could the jelly shots produce a Technicolour Amoeba (Type Four)? I’m also thinking of including “The Blue Lagoon” which occurs when there has been excessive consumption of cocktails including blue curaçao.
I laughed so hard I vomited (Type 2).
I thank you for referring to the Scale, KC.
Oh God, that photo of type 1 nearly made me do a type 1!
I hate the type 1 that comes with smell. Usually after eating cheerios (little boys or cocktail franks for southeners) my little ones like to do chunky red and pink chunder with the smell of the cheerios. eeuuurrrgghhh.
Usually it’s after a night time drink of milk so it has huge chunks of solidified milk in it like extra chunky cottage cheese.
The chunks are always too big for the drain holes in the laundry where I wash out their clothes and sheets so I end up having to poke the big chunks into little chunks so they will fit down the drain.
I’m feeling queasy…..
The plug-poke is, hands-down, the worst thing about cleaning up vomit of any kind.
Can’t wait until my kids are all old enough to take themselves off to the toilet and vomit straight into the bowl.
I have found cotton buds to be good for the task. They’re nice and pointy and disposable. They’re quick to hand if the chunder needs to be poked down the bathroom plughole too.
I do have a hideous chunder story of my own but think it may even be too disgusting for your blog. No really!
Nice tip re: the chunks.
Feel free to share that chunder story any time you like. It would seem this blog site is the place to do it!
Possibly not the best choice for a pre-lunch read, but if anyone can put the fun into vomit…..oh, hang on, there’s no f, or u or even an n, oh well..scrap that. Hilarious as always. For the record, mini Wafflers tend to favour Type 4, always a delight.
Sorry about that, Aussie-waffler.
Did you notice, though, that the word OMIT is in the word VOMIT. I guess you’re wishing I’d noticed that before I posted?
At last – someone who is able to explain the phenomenon of Type 4, which was hurled acoss the dinner table a few nights ago. NDM you are my hero.
I always thought I might be a hero by doing something heroic but if writing about vomit is the thing to elevate me, then so be it.
This is quite possibly the greatest piece of Public Service Broadcasting I have ever witnessed…
I’m kind of paralysed with the wonder of it all.
I will never look at vomit the same way and without thinking of you.
That is your gift to me. I shall treasure it always
x
Ah, Josie. I’m thrilled you will always think of me when you see vomit. If your son is anything like my children, you will be thinking of me a lot.
It is sad, indeed, that I was so excited to read a post about the Vomit Scale. I need to get out more.
And WHAT IS IT with carrot, anyways? You are completely right that it always makes an appearance…
Hilarious.
I was excited to write it, so I’m not sure which of us needs to get out most.
Thanks, that made me laugh a lot. I feel that maybe there should be another category for the particular quality that milk gives to vomit. I’m thinking of the last child vomit experience I had, which was probably in the minestrone zone, but minestrone is orange. interesting how revomitted milk seems to be turned into yogurt. Type 3 image is scarily accurate. ok well goodnight.
You’re right about the milky vomit. It was an oversight on my behalf and proof of how quickly you forget about those early infant days once you’re past them.
By the way, I think the first person to make yoghurt was inspired by their child’s vomit.
I think you need to add the projectile vomit that little iddy cutesy baby wabbies do all over you, the bed, floors, ceiling and walls after you’ve just given them a tit-load of milk (meaning that you then have to summon up a load more whilst stripping the bed, mopping the ceiling and crying a little bit).
Oversight noted.
I always remember being astounded by how much milk came out in those vomits since I was never sure of how much went in in the first place.
I have no words!
PS – you have an award waiting for you at my blog http://ellabellamozzarella.blogspot.com/
Thank you so much for my award. I like to think it was the NDM Children’s Vomit Scale that earned me it.
So, So Proud. Well done [NDM]
I even got a little nostalgic amid the guffaws (laughing whilst choking on my cereal seemed appropriate)
It’s been AGES since I did a number three!
Please be sure to photograph your next Number 3 and send it in. I will welcome such a photo with open arms.
I am truely thankful for this scale. Not long after Sam went on solids we experienced a momentous moment, his first solid sick. It was hard to explain at the time, I just kept saying it was his first ‘real food’ sick with carrots and ‘the smell’. I can now refer to it as a Type 1 and people will understand.
Incidentally this Type 1 was projected on my face, in my hair, ear, top & bra. Type 1’s require a lot of cleaning, more so than Type 4 I’ve discovered.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You’re right about the clean-up procedure for a Type 1 vs. the one required by a Type 4.
Type 1 tends to stain, whereas Type 4 at least hangs together.
And yes, the smell… the smell! The smell of vomit should have its own chart altogether!
Girl, you have totally outdone yourself! And not just because you know I’m a sucker for anything even remotely associated with the Bristol scale.
LOVE the pics that go with each example! And the carrot bits… even in the type 4, just brilliant. You are a gift.
Get that bucket hat ready – you’re heading for the big time.
As the person who introduced me to the Bristol Scale (which, by the way, I credited you with on https://notdrowning.wordpress.com/2009/04/05/what-the-hell-is-twitter/), I am sooooo relieved my Vomit Scale met with your approval.
And thank you for picking up the carrot bits in Type 4. I put them in myself.
You are friggin’ hilarious!!!!!
That’s all I wanted to say. 🙂
Ok, after seeing these pictures I am very grateful to have children with cast iron stomachs. A couple of years ago my eldest once drank a bottle of milk that was so off that it was chunky, and the only sign was the slight puzzled look on his face at the first mouthful. We only realised when he’d finished the bottle and the chunky bits were still at the bottom. My youngest son recently got a raw chicken kebab (satay flavour) from the fridge and ate it in front of the TV. No vomit (but plently of bad parenting). In four years of children I think I’ve had 3 instances of vomit. BUT if you want to talk snot, then I’m your woman (and in fact would love a similar Snot Scale, complete with pictures).
a very useful tool for mothers everywhere. Our house was over Easter struck by the Great Camping Contagion of 2010, when on a multiple family camping expedition of 15 people, 8 came down with gastro. Mucho vomiting (types 1-4) followed, in the car (both coming and going), outside the tents, in our bed, in the kids’ bed, yada yada yada. My washing machine has run full pelt ever since.
This scale is terrific, we need now the scale of projection, angle, speed etc.
My 13 year old still doesn’t get to the toilet or even a sink or bucket in time.
Last time 2am her bedroom door was shut.. running full pelt into the door/corner/walls/floor projectile, I sent my husband in, I just kept giving support and fresh water/rags from outside
If she dosent feel well when she goes to bed now I give her bucket placed on a non rebounding surface ie towels sheets anything really! The splatter factor on wooden floors is the worst!
Good start, upgrade your pics, make it into a downloadable format and watch it do the rounds…
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