One of the hardest things for me over the past week has been my medication management post-oral surgery. The antibiotics I’m on are supposed to be taken four times a day half an hour before food and two hours after I last ate.
“Shuh!” I commented to a friend. “Two hours since I last ate?? I mean, when is there ever two hours in a day when I’m not eating?”
(It’s true: I graze all the live-long day, constantly stuffing my children’s left overs in my mouth such as apples with one single bite taken out of them, saliva-infused toast and cold fries languishing at the bottom of the Happy Meal box. I’m like the Noo-noo from the Teletubbies, who must surely suffer acute indigestion from hoovering up all those Tubby Toast and Tubby Custard accidents. And if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, I would count yourself very lucky, if I were you. Very lucky indeed.)
“I’m reading a very interesting book about overcoming overeating,” my friend replied.
“And what’s the secret to overcoming overeating?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I haven’t finished it yet,” was her response. Which is exactly my problem with any kind of book or article or even gate-fold pamphlet about dieting because I have usually wandered off to see if there is any chocolate left in the Treats Cupboard before I get to the punchline. Particularly if there are things like milligrams of fat or “points” to take into consideration. I mean, if I’d wanted to spend my days measuring and counting shit, I would have become an Apothecary or gotten an apprenticeship with someone like The Count von Count, who is called The Count because he loves to count.
Anyway, it made me wonder if there was a book about under-reading about over-coming over-eating. Probably. But I’d never finish it.
Interestingly enough, my issues with alcohol are same same but different. Health Care Professionals recommend between two and three standard drinks per day for women. And yet, as a mother, I’ve identified at least fifteen Key Alcoholic Beverage Opportunities (KABOs) of an evening:
KABO #1: Having a drink to celebrate my husband arriving home from work.
KABO #2: Having a drink while I’m making dinner (also known as “The Chef’s Perogative”).
KABO #3: Having a drink so as not to Officially Die Of Boredom when supervising bath time.
KABO #4: Having a drink when The Pixie’s squealing hits its upper-most register (circa 7pm).
KABO #5: Having a drink while watching television with my husband, particularly if it is really bad television.
KABO #6-13: Having a drink after each appearance of a child at the door saying they’re “scared” or claiming that one of their siblings “whacked/smashed/looked askance at me”.
KABO #14: Having a drink to celebrate that moment when the kids are finally asleep.
KABO #15: Having a drink when the TV is turned off for the night and I realise that the next working day is virtually upon me.
So, with so many opportunities for drinking, you’d think I’d spend most of my evenings blind drunk. However, contrary to popular opion, I am much better with alcohol than anyone might think. You see, I’m a “delayed gratification” kind of girl and I totally wait until the kids are asleep, so that all that white noise and static electricity they create doesn’t hamper my enjoyment of a nice glass of ice cold bubbly. Then I really enjoy those last two KABOs for all their worth, all within the remit of the Responsible Drinker.
Unless, of course, it’s been a bitch of a day. In which case, nothing’s standing between me and that bottle. Nothing.
Food and drink issues? I’ve got dozens of them. Dozens, I tell ya! I’d count them all, but I’m far too busy stuffing my face with party-bag booty. And there’s the truth.
Thank god for schools or else we would all be raving alcoholics.
I hear you!
I have often wondered if it’d be too early to reach for the bottle at breakfast time… after all making toast and school lunches could possibly count as cooks prerogative?
Yesterday in reply to my complaining, er I mean concern over having 2 sick kids at home, lifeslightlyused suggest a drinking game where each time a child called ‘Muuuum’, I could have a drink… sounds perfectly reasonable to me!
Sounds like a great drinking game. Although, with the amount of “Muuuuummms” I get in this household, mummy could end up being way sicker than the kids.
I love the inverted commas around “scared”. They say so much.
Do “they”?
You know, NDM I don’t have kids. But that doesn’t change the fact that when I read your posts I can totally and completely relate to what’s happening! I love it! Oh, and your not alone on the grazing thing…
Oh emlykd – I don’t know if I’m preparing you for parenthood or putting you off having children for ever more. Still, I’m glad you enjoy the blog. Perhaps you can join me in my meadow some time and we can graze the live-long day together…
nah, I reckon I’ll do a good enough job of putting myself off for ever more.. I am studying midwifery currently… Either that, or I’ll be WELL prepared!!!! And I’d LOVE to join u in ur meadow for some grazing!! everytime I baby-sit for my friend’s 4 daughters I come armed with a bag of “choccy drogs” as 2yo calls them! bribery is good, yes?
Yes, but we don’t call it “bribery”. We call it “positive reenforcement” or “incentivising”.
Those antibiotics s**t me. Half an hour before food and two hours after you last ate mean you must not eat for a whole 2 1/2 hours!!!! That is simply not possible.
You are right.
By the way, do you still eat cereal with a teaspoon?
Aaah, those zany days before children. No, now I barely have time to shovel breakfast in my mouth. Therefore I use a combination of a tablespoon and my bare hands for maximum speed.
you missed one of my favourite kabos: sipping a vino whilst supervising the ‘home reader’ story in bed. not just essential for bypassing that ‘come ON! we have sounded out that word on every single page!’ anger moment that wants to erupt but also such a very classy image for my son to have in his memory bank…
My list of KABOs is by no means exhaustive. However, I try not to drink when doing the nightly reader, if only because returning the “Comments” book with red wine rings on isn’t The Done Thing.
easy! just have a white wine during the reader!!
I am soooo there with you on the all day feast thing. I’m supposed to be taking tablets ‘on an empty stomach’ too – next to impossible. I take a dose in the middle of the night just so I can feel a teeny little bit virtuous getting one dose right. And who has time to eat proper sit down meals anyway.
I’ve tried the middle-of-the-night dose too, but then worry about the “half hour before food” aspect to my antibiotics and felt compelled to stay up just to eat half a Freddo Frog.
My personal favorite go-to must-do comes from my aunt, a paliative care nurse (work place situations equate to mothering)…take a handfull of tylenol/advil/ whatever and wash it all back with a good belt of wine. Whatever ails you will be soon taken care of. Liver health be damned…with young kids, this is survival.
Love it.
I absolutely cannot relate to KABO#3. Please, please (please, dear God!) tell me there will come a day when bathtime is boring. ‘Course, I wouldn’t have a drink to celebrate, probably haul a big mac (or two or four) into the bathroom instead.
It’s possibly just me who finds supervising bath time excruciating. It falls into the same basket as pushing the swing at the park.
You should have considered an apprenticeship with an someone like The Drink von Drink, who is called The Drink because he loves to Drink.
A fun guy! And I understand he’s partial to party-bag bootie too.
Oh, of course! The Drink von Drink! Mr Mills, you always make me laugh.
Love this. I am also a food scravenger. Next week will be a trying time as I pilfer all the treats from the trick and treat bags that I deem to be either too good for the kids to truly appreciate or that are so full of additives that as super mum it is my duty to scoff them to save their delicate indigestion systems. And don’t get me started on the alcohol consumption, which is my adult reward for surviving the bath and bedtime routine alone and relatively unscathed. My g&t tonight is particularly cold and pleasurable and will doubtless get me through a couple of hours of mind-numbing tv at the very least.
Enjoy that G&T for us both, Nicola. I’m still some eight hours away from wine o’clock. God, when I put it that way, it makes me want to have a drink…
Ah – you have my life – except for the grazing on kids food bit – I leave that up to Dad of Children as my eating issues get in the way
Those bloody antibiotics drive me up the wall! then there are the ones that are the same but also do not take within an hour of DAIRY so there goes ‘normal’ tea and coffee and hot chocolate and any milky goodness…and out comes the soy milk (aquired taste, very ackquired (nope can’t spell that) Your kids get scared too! yipee! well not really, I was just getting very worried about bub 1′s nightly “so scared’ whenever we ask her to do – well – anything away from the TV or computer- like bath or dressing…
thank you for the laughter – needed it
Yep, the “so scared” line is wearing thin in this house. Tiddles McGee uses it as an excuse for everything, even not eating his dinner. How can a child be scared of spaghetti?
Oh, NDM.
My kiddie related memories are of long ago….. yet , all you say rings so true.
The foraging and grazing of food through the day was perfectly sensible, given the circumstances.
The application of alcohol to both numb the senses and prop them up at the same time.
The relentness-ness of it all.
And then the lack-of or/and broken sleep patterns…always.
And then you are expected to keep to a specific medical regime?
“NOT A WORRY” she says with an enormous amount of sarcasm.
Thanks, Care Bear. I knew you would understand…
Ah, so this is what you mean when you say wine helps!
Although truth be known I was let in on that secret some time ago by my beloved parents that have a KABO list as long all of our arms joined together…in fact they lead me to my own KABO numero uno – my parents are here! Bottoms up!!…and given I now live with said beloved parents these drinking ‘opportunities’ are coming thick and fast….
Wine helps in most situations. Except those involving operating heavy machinery.
OMG, am I you? Are you me? I’m hearing ya!!!
It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks this way. But it’s also scary to know that I’m not the only one who thinks this way.
I adore the KABO list–you are my kinda chick.
And I loathe bath time…it takes a whole freaking hour and then I still have to force them out.
And yes, drinking while cooking IS the chef’s perogative!
Argh! You’re right. The whole stress about finding an exit strategy for the bath is probably what makes me loathe it as well.
i put myself on the “Don’t eat your kids’ food scraps diet’ earlier this year. didn’t make the world of difference, but i felt good about it and it took me longer than usual to fall of the wagon!
and drinking? yay for screwtop wine bottles i say.
xx