A Few Of My Faux-Vourite Things

My husband and I recently found ourselves at a party filled with people way more famous and successful than we could ever be. But since nobody was announced as they arrived (as you would hope at such an event), we had no way of recognising most of them.

However, my husband did think he saw the lead singer from Pseudo Echo, which probably won’t mean anything to you if you didn’t grow up in Australia in the 80s. And actually, even if you did grow up in Australia in the 80s, it probably still won’t mean much to you. But it did to my husband — until I told him that “Funky Town” was a cover version and he grew incredibly hostile towards the (alleged) lead singer of Pseudo Echo and his fellow band-members, who may or may not have also been in attendance at the party except that we had no way of recognising them. Sheesh!

Anyway, somewhat bolstered by my recent  triumph on Mamamia (see “News Flash!” for more info), I decided that if anyone at the party asked me the dreaded question “What do you do?” I would say proudly “I’m a blogger.” But of course I didn’t. When someone did finally ask, I ended up saying “Oh, I’m at home with the kids” and then, in a slightly squeaky voice, “But I have a blog too!”. And the person I was talking to all but patted me on the head and said “Yes, it’s important to have a little project when you’re at home with the kids, isn’t it.”

“Uh, yes. Yes, it is,” was my meek reply.  

On the way home, my husband discussed how we’d felt a bit like pretenders at the party and how it was a relief to cross the river that divides our fair city back to where we belonged. 

“The truth is we don’t fit in here either,” I lamented. “We are so faux-gan!“. Which was referring to a phrase I had coined one afternoon when I realised how we were just wannabe bogans living in a bogan suburb. 

And then my husband and I started bandying around some other “faux” words and I decided to write a post about them. Just like that. 

Unfortunately, after a quick internet search, I found out that someone else had pipped me to the post with “Fauxgan”. And, indeed, other words that we came up with such as “Fauxmosexual”, “Fauxhawk”, “Fauxcialist”, “Fauxhemian” and “Kung Faux” also  yielded thousands of google results. 

Still, I persisted – for better or worse – and here is the list of my faux-vourite things:

Faux-go dancer – a go-go dancer without appropriate footwear. 

Faux-a-constricta – a term for small grass snakes who think they’re much harder and tougher than they really are (the human equivalent is “Mo Faux”, which unfortunately already has 33,700 google results). 

David Fauxie - a Bowie impersonator or anything by Tin Machine. 

Fauxloween - the way in which Halloween is celebrated in countries where no such tradition exists except through the power of in-store merchandising. 

Fauxlasses - when you have to substitute treacle or golden syrup for molasses in a recipe. 

Fauxmittee – a kindergarten or school committee whose soul purpose is to get together and get rat-arsed drunk. 

Fauxrensics – as featured in those police shows with female forensic experts who have long free-flowing hair which would most certainly contaminate the crime scene. 

Fauxsama bin Laden – a terrorist who manages to get caught. 

Fauxnogamy – another word for adultery or for couples who swing but don’t tell anyone about it.

Fauxvember – when you try to raise money by growing a moustache as part of “Movember” and you either buckle and shave it off before the end of the first week or you produce nothing but bum-fluff. 

Little Faux Peep – a shepherdess who claims to have lost her sheep but is actually just trying to pull an insurance scam. 

Iced Faux Faux – an Iced Vo Vo biscuit without icing, jam or coconut and which is, in fact, just a plain Milk Arrowroot. 

Fauxriginal – when something, such as a word, is touted as an original creation but already exists, say, as an entry in the Urban Dictionary. For example. 

So there you go. Next time someone asks me the “What do you do?” question at a party, I can say proudly “You know the term faux-a-constricta? That’s one of mine.”

That’ll put the (alleged) lead singer of Pseu-faux Ech-faux in his place. “Faux-nky Town” indeed!