I am A Girl Who Wears Glasses.
Moreover, I am a girl who wears ‘Personality Substitute Glasses’. All my young life, I was referred to as ‘That Mousy Girl’ or ‘The Walking Wall of Beige’. It comes from having the colouring of a brown paper bag and never bothering to make cosmetics my friend.
The glasses, therefore, do all the work for me.
My most recent frames even have a bit of ‘bling’ on their arms, as is the fashion these days. When people aren’t bending to my will, I dazzle them with my bling. Or rather, I turn my head to the side and they think “Why is she turning her head to the side?” and they temporarily stop not doing what I want them to do. So, in a way, it works. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I go to sleep at night.
Anyway, glasses have been part of my daily life for about 15 years now so I don’t really think about them much except to occasionally say things like “Girls who wear glasses rock!” (profound, right?) and “Where the fuck *are* my glasses?” (usually in conjunction with a hangover).
I was kind of surprised – and yet pleased – when The Pixie said she wanted to get glasses so that she could look “pretty like mummy”. I said she’d have to have her eyes tested first and so she began to hassle me for an optometrist appointment like other children might hassle their parents for an ice cream or for $2 to put in one of those supermarket rides or to “stop piss-farting about on the computer and take me to school”.
So in the end, I caved in and took her and it turns out she’s long-sighted and needs glasses.
You may as well have told The Pixie she’d won a trillion billion zillion dollars, such was the look on her face when she heard the news. In fact, she was so excited about it she started telling everybody we met that she was getting glasses and started counting down the sleeps til those hot little frames are on her face.
But then one afternoon, I found her crying in the school yard.
“I’m worried that people will laugh at me and call me square eyes!” she sobbed.
I chose to overlook the fact that the term ‘square eyes’ is normally reserved for people who watch too much TV and that glasses wearers are more likely to be called ‘four eyes’ or ‘coke bottle face’ or have people say to them ‘Nice glasses. Did you make them yourself? or ‘Those frames make your bum look big’.
Instead, I got down to her level, looked her straight in the eye and said “If anybody teases you about wearing glasses, I’ll punch them in the nose.”
Nope, there was none of that ‘sticks and stones’ wisdom for me – not when it came to people being mean to my little girl. Because in that instant, I recalled all the rejection, hurt and loneliness that I myself had gone through in my life in the name of “character building” and how I hadn’t even worn glasses for most of it. And the thought that there might be any extra impediment on the road to happiness, confidence and love for my daughter was more than I could bear.
But then I remembered that it’s a different world for the bespectacled these days. That old adage ‘Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses’ is as outdated as ‘Cider before beer makes you feel queer’ because we all now know you can’t ‘catch The Gay’ from having your drinks in the wrong order. And I went back to my original premise: “Girls who wear glasses rock!” For one thing, they can see properly and that’s got to be a good thing, right?
And so last Saturday, we picked up The Pixie’s new glasses – red frames that she chose herself – and her life as a Girl Who Wears Glasses began.
As she put them on for the first time, her face all lit up with pride and excitement, my heart ached a thousand different ways at once. But my overriding feeling was this: Those glasses won’t wear The Pixie. She’ll wear them.
And then some.
Awwww… I just want to hug you both!
We’ll look forward to that hug. In the meantime, we’ll just hug each other.
What a fabulous picture she drew. And I bet she looks pretty good in those glasses.
She looks as cute as pie… well, a pie that is about to whup yo ass in a spelling bee.
GIGAPUs – Girls in glasses playing ukulele.
They do indeed rock!
To think there was a GIGAPU fetish out there that I could have gotten into years ago!
Thanks for sharing, oh idle one.
What an awesome post! You articulate so beautifully. You both rock!
Thank you, Green Mama. It was a hard post to write for many different reasons (the fact that today is the first day of school holidays certainly didn’t help) so I’m glad you liked it.
GIGAPU – love it! But first prize goes to the Pixie’s drawing, which is excellent. Keep that one and frame it, for all the times she needs to remember she can wear glasses and dance as a true lady in red. Wonderful, beautiful girl; wonderful, beautiful mum.
Aw thanks, Madame Zap. You’ve made me go all teary…
Great post – and congrats on your bloggies win!
Thanks! I’m glad to hear I’m still a Bloggies winner and they haven’t taken the award away from me for rigging the vote…
Haha, in my day it was “beers and cones you’re on your own”….such a Westie….
I would have said “Beers and cones, you’re vomiting.” Except it doesn’t really rhyme.
‘Beer and grass, you’re on your arse. Grass and beer, you’re in the clear.’
Sorry; I’m from The Gong.
PS: brilliant post and a much more sensible drawing from the Pixie 🙂
I’m loving these sayings. Also… gotta love The Gong! My step-mother hails from there.
PS. Thanks!
Victoria and Mary Jane,
Double date, they don’t complain.
Canberra.
Go girls! And I sooo want to be there when she come home and tells you she’s got your first ‘punch in the face’ victim lined up…
I’ll be as good as my word on that one – and expect to have my own special seat right outside the Principal’s office.
I too need to wear glasses – but I don’t 🙂 – I did when I was younger and was seeing everything mirror image (true story) but since I was diagnosed with astigmatism I’ve been quite happy with trees being green blurs and it means I can escape boring movies 🙂
About a year ago my daughter decided reading was boring because she needed glasses- she couldn’t see the words apparently – so after similar begging for an optomitrists appointment we took her and she got some very weak reading glasses – wore them about ten times the LOST THEM. Has had no problem with reading since :s
You rock as a Mum 🙂 wish you’d been mine. Mine was of he ‘character building’ variety.
Eek! I’m terrified the glasses (at $200 a pop) will go the way of the tupperware lunchbox and the brand new jacket I bought her for school…
Tell the pixie she rocks and also tell her tell the bullies to get rooted. Klarsy glasses wearing people say that kind of stuff all the time.
I only started wearing glasses at about 23 due to 8 hrs a day directly looking at a computer screen. Now I have to wear them all the time and you know what? I don’t like my face without them now. They cover my bags and I just looked tired and washed out without them. Maybe I’m just tired and washed out. Even though, a pissed chick at a party once said to me “Do you ever not wear glasses? You’d have the potential to be pretty if you didn’t” Get rooted.
Get rooted indeed. You should have said “You’d look pretty too if you didn’t have your frickin’ foot in your mouth?”
Some people. A “friend” once looked at a photo of my sister and asked if she was younger than me. I said “Yes, she’s three and a half years younger.” To which she replied “Well, I guess she looks that good because she hasn’t had children yet.” Uh, thanks.
Haha. Great friend. But it is sadly true that having children gives you premature decrepitude.
But not to me, right? Not. To. Me.
From another girl who wears glasses who also just became the mother of the boy who wears glasses, I’m glad both kids had +ve experiences and love the fact they wear them. And KZ does the same as The Pixie the glasses don’t wear him he wears them!
I was slightly disturbed though when he started doing mental arithmetic out loud in the car on the way home after I told him to stop pointing out tree with 5 branches, red roof, grey roof, squished cat.
Squished cat from a moving vehicle? Them’s some peepers he’s got.
It was a large cat and fairly spread out, we had slowed due to the traffic, but still I like that it showed he was looking in all directions.
It’s a rare kid that looks down on the ground when driving. Maybe he might end up with a job in security surveillance.
Awwwww, I love this. Especially the part when she put on her glasses for the first time. Now she’s pretty just like her mummy. So gorgeous! x
Thanks, Thea. She’s definitely pretty – not sure how much like her mummy she is, but I’m willing to take the compliment…
I just want to say I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! I mean love it like chocolate, or beer, or bacon butties, I really, really love your blog.
Normally I need to ensure I’m wearing tena lady before reading, in case the tears of laughter run down my legs! but today the tears just welled up in my eyes – such a sweet post – I bet Pixie ROCKS those glasses!!
Aw, shucks. I’m in the same category as chocolate, beer AND bacon butties? I’m in good company, that’s for sure.
PS. You’ve given me a great idea about approaching Tena Lady for sponsorship…
I’ve come across quite a few websites made by men devoted to women with glasses & women with short hair & glasses because it turns them on. They usually don’t have nudity on them either.
I just hate how the awesome glasses are so $$$
You mean, if I put photos of myself on this blog, this could turn into a fetish site? That certainly would help fund my next pair of “bling bling” glasses…
It is fabulous that the Pixie wants to wear glasses to look pretty just like Mummy.
Glasses are all the more important now that you can have laser surgery and wear contact lenses to correct your vision. Glasses have a special significance – in other words, symbolic of the fact that you could look just like everyone else, but you choose not too.
Glasses are exotic. As are you – there is nothing beige about you at all…
You are so right, lawandshoes. Glasses make a statement. And not just “I don’t have enough money for expensive laser surgery”.
Thanks for saying I’m not beige. You might feel differently when you meet me in the flesh…
I’m sure she looks just adorable! I want to be A Girl Who Wears Glasses too! And I’m amazed by how well she draws.
She does draw very well. For one thing, I’m nowhere near as beautiful as I am in that picture!
But yes, she does look adorable.
The Pixie is her own girl, no matter what!
Yep, glasses or no glasses, that is true. xx
Great post – wonderful reading….. I wear glasses to read, and now I think I need glasses for everyday stuff too. Does this mean I’ll get two groovy pairs to choose between 9and 2 pairs to lose)? Excellent!
At school any kid who wore glasses was teased, but girls in glasses were especially so. Awful! Here’s to the Pixie and her stylish new frames….
Thank you, Alison.
The only reason I haven’t lost my glasses is because they’re mostly on my face, except when I’m asleep. And even I can’t manage to lose things when I’m asleep. Not often, anyway.
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