Someone once told me that before you name a child you should stand on the back door step and shout out the name repeatedly to see how it felt.
Obviously, nobody had ever done the backdoor step test before naming my childhood dog ‘Fish’. I should add here that Fish came to us already named so no member of my family was actually responsible for her name, but still. Standing in the middle of a park yelling “Fish! Come here!” to a dog is just not cool, no matter which way you look at it.
Anyway, one day Fish fell in love – in the way that bitches do when they’re on heat – with a local dog. We called this dog ‘Big Dog’ because, well, he was big and he was a dog. Big Dog was drawn to Fish – in that way that male dogs are drawn to bitches on heat – and took to hanging outside our property a lot.
One night, my father woke suddenly and flung open the back door in time to catch Fish and Big Dog in flagrante delicto (or “At It”). Big Dog was so startled by my father’s sudden shouting that he took off before he’d finished, dragging poor Fish along with him all the way to the fence, where he finally extricated himself and jumped for freedom.
Sadly, Fish never saw Big Dog again and 62 days later, she gave birth to seven puppies and spent the remainder of her life sighing with the distinct air of someone who had been extremely hard done by.
Chance would have it that a recent incident made me think of this story. As it would.
I was just finishing the dishes when my friends KC and MM arrived (bearing wine) and I showed MM the two cups I had found, trapped together in an act of unholy union, who I had been trying to rent asunder all day.
“Should I be soaking them in hot water or cold water?” I asked MM.
“Hot water makes it expand, so … uh… yes,” MM replied, somewhat distracted. He had only just arrived and was still unpacking the wine (there was a lot of it).
“Really? I’ve had it soaking for a while now and it’s still stuck,” I remarked and started running it under the cold water tap to no avail. “Should I put it in the freezer?”
“I think that would just make it worse,” MM said. He was no doubt thinking – like I was – of that scene in Dumb and Dumber where either Jim Carrey or that actor who I always think is Bill Pullman but who isn’t Bill Pullman got his tongue stuck to a chairlift pole. But actually, I think it was probably just me thinking that. MM is a bit more highbrow and was probably just thinking of one of the later Police Academy movies in a totally unrelated fashion – as is his wont.
I was just about to put the cups aside in the hope that the situation would resolve itself when KC entered the kitchen.
I explained the situation to her.
“No, not warm water! That’ll make the cups expand,” she said. “Cold water didn’t work, eh? What about the freezer?”
“You know, you’re pretty much saying exactly the opposite of what I said,” MM remarked.
And so of course, like any husband and wife, they had to fight it out, tug-o-war style…
… but to no avail.
“I think you’ll just have to call it your ‘Double Cup’,” KC concluded, with the air of somebody who’d found a Proper Solution for the problem.
However, my face must have shown that hell would freeze over before I could drink out of two cups fucking, because she secretly kept working on the problem for the next half an hour. Finally, using methods unknown, she freed them.
Phew! Our problem seemed to be over, but then… 62 hours later…
*Sigh*
Pahahahahaha.
Are you giving them up for adoption? Or is there a local Lost Plastics Shelter nearby you can leave them at?
I think I’ll advertise on the notice board at the local supermarket. Something along the lines of:
BASTARD BITS OF PLASTIC CRAP
FREE TO GOOD HOME
hahahahaaaaa
Ahhhhh, so that’s how those extra plastics get into my cupboard.
Of course!!!
Furthermore, I think the McPlastic Crap toys also ‘get it awnnnnn’, which explains why there are so many of them in my house. Surely we can’t eat *that* much fast food?
I’ve left a few comments before, but I think they were all anonymous. Just want to say I LOVE reading your hilarous and witty posts. When are you getting a column in a national mag or paper??? WHEN?
I’d like to say I’ve been playing hard to get with the mainstream press but the truth is nobody’s asked me. *sob*.
bahahaha Thanks NDM. Hilarious as always. I did the yelling the name trick when deciding on names for my children. My parents did not when we chose names for our childhood pets. We had dogs called Donald Duck, Falconetti, and Mr Magoo. Mr Magoo was a tough looking pigdog. I felt all the neighbourhood dogs sniggered when we called his name. Poor Mr Magoo. We also had a cat called Horse and one lucky cat called Fonzi : )
You had a dog called ‘Donald Duck’ when you were growing up? I think you and I should form some kind of Support Group.
Hahaha, nice to see some pics in your post.
Thank you.
It was a miracle that
a) I found my camera;
b) the camera had batteries in it;
c) the batteries actually worked;
d) I actually bothered to take the photos; and
e) the cable that connects the camera to my computer hadn’t been spirited away by small hands.
I love the name Fish for a dog! And if I was some *crazy* free spirited celeb I would even use it on my next child…
The image of the cups ‘trapped in unholy union’ was far more digestible than that of ‘ole Fish and Big Dog getting caught going ‘at it’ in the middle of the night, I must say….
You’re probably thanking your lucky stars I didn’t post any photos from that little episode, right?
Next time you find those naughty cups *at it* in your plastics drawer, try pouring boiling hot water over the outside one only – they should slip apart quite easily. Had to put this in – we don’t want a plague……
Too right we don’t! Thanks for the advice, Madame Zap.
For the record, I used a well known (household) lubricant…
We don’t want to know what you get up to in the privacy of your own home, KC.
You are the Midas of blogging. I was wondering how you’d turn this seemingly mundane act into something funny. But you did.
It really was a case of ‘two girls, one cup’. Never, ever google this though.
Except it was two cups. That one’s safe to google.
Thanks for the tip because I was just about to push the I FEEL LUCKY button on a ‘two girls, one cup’ search.
Cannot type for laughumf.
Laughumf is the best kind of laughter there is.
Cold water in the top cup. Or stick them in the freezer for a bit. (Don’t know that it will contract, but hopefully it won’t expand.)
Then stand cups in sink of hot water, to make only the outside one expand.
That’s my theory, anyhow. I can’t prove this in practise, as I don’t own any fucking Star Wars plastic cups.
When the cup’s babies are fully weaned, I’ll send some over to you.
Wait a doggone minute NDM, you disclaim all responsibility for calling Dog 1 “Fish”. But I distinctly recall that Dog 2 (one of the puppies if I remember correctly) was called “Bear”. So, whose fault was that, hmmm??? PS – wish I’d known about the yelling trick when I named my children. However, with number three on the way I can’t really stray from my theme of slightly weird names…
Yes, but I didn’t name Bear – my stepmother did. She obviously got a big kick out of the thought of me shouting “Fish! Bear! Come on!” to two dogs in a park.
LMAO!!!!!!!!
LOL
Very Distinctly Not *QLTMWRB* I just fell off my chair
Easy! It’s “Quietly Listening to my Wittle River Band”, which is the Wiggles/LRB fusion tribute band.
Tee hee hee.
Curiously enough, lego people seem to breed rather successfully in our house. I don’t quite know how they manage it, but they do.
They also do those one piece poos everywhere.
…and it’s Jeff Daniels. In Dumb & Dumber.
What is it with that whole Pullman/Paxton/Daniels axis of confusion? Someone should come up with a mnemonic.
So, Oily Taint is still with us? She had not broken the surface of the media for some time, and I was amazed she seemed to have done something interesting.