It’s recently come to my attention that I’m not being taken seriously as a writer and that my blog is being pigeon-holed as a “parenting blog”. To show that there’s more to me and my blog, I decided to have an up-close and personal chat with an inflatable doll dressed up as Brad Pitt.
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NOT DROWNING MOTHER: Welcome, Inflatable Brad Pitt! It’s great to have you here today. Are you okay with that beard I’ve stuck on you? I couldn’t find any glue or sticky tape so I’ve used Wiggles bandaids. They seem to be holding so far but Jeff looks like he’s struggling a bit. Lazy git. (tries to readjust beard a bit).
Now, before we get started, would you like a drink? Tea or coffee? I’ve also got some cordial which the kids have deemed to be ‘bisgusting’, improbably called ‘Gubble Bum’. It sounds like euphemism for ‘arse licker’, if you ask me.
INFLATABLE BRAD PITT: (gives blank look)
NDM: Sorry, ‘bum’ is an Australian word for arse. You know, like your American word ‘fanny’ – although, arguably, a cordial called “Gobble Fanny” is even less appropriate… Anyway, what do you think of my new haircut? Do I look like the little dude from that 70s family show ‘Eight Is Enough’ or what?
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: Go on, say it. Although, I’m not sure I can take hair advice from a blow up sex doll with pubic hair stuck to its chin.
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: Don’t worry. I didn’t cut any especially or anything. It was from the plughole.
IBP: (beard falls off)
NDM: (mutters) Stupid Jeff… Anyway, Inflatable Brad, I’m really glad to see you’ve got all the inflatable versions of your kids here for the interview, along with their inflatable nannies. Sorry I didn’t have enough balloons to make them all. I actually had to blow up a couple of cask wine “space bags” for the twins. And before you go checking, I drank the wine first.
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: It wasn’t until I had to blow them all up that I really appreciated what a tribe you have there. Why, I’ve heard that even your nannies have nannies! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Seriously though, whenever you travel are you ever tempted to stage a flash-mob stunt at, say, the transit lounge in Singapore Changi airport?
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: You should try it – especially after a long flight and the kids have gone totally feral. Whenever my three kids all have a simultaneous meltdown in the supermarket, I just pretend it’s a Telstra-sponsored flash mob and video it with my mobile phone. You’d be surprised how much nicer people are about screaming children if they think they’re going to end up on YouTube.
ANYWAY, I know your PR person specifically told me not to ask any questions about your ex-wife but someone’s got to ask the tough questions. And that someone is me. Inflatable Brad: are you still friends with Jennifer Aniston on facebook or has she blocked you?
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: Answer the question, Brad! Your fans need to know!
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: I think you just nodded, but it might have been because Inflatable Maddox popped and caused you to fall forward a little. Whatever. I’ve heard a lot of people unfriended Jen when she got really into FarmVille there and kept sending out requests for people to feed her beaver or something stupid. I mean, who keeps beavers on a farm?
IBP: (blank look)
NDM: Yeah, I don’t know either. But what I will say is (hears sound of husband’s keys in the front door) it’s-been-great-having-you-here-today. (hurriedly stuffs Inflatable Brad under the bed and kicks all inflatable kids and nannies into the kids’ room).
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Yep, that should do the job nicely. Very nicely indeed.
I don’t care what “they” say you are funny, witty, intelligent and should be published. NOW!
Thank you for showing us the real Brad Pitt – I always thought he was a little plastic and bland, and your hard hitting journalistic talents have proven that once and for all. I sense a Walkley coming your way some day soon.
Aw thanks, annieb25.
I heard on the grapevine that they were thinking of introducing a new Walkley for “Best Imaginary Interview With An Inflatable Celebrity”. If so, that prize will surely be mine and I’ll have another JPEG under my belt.
And yes, I literally heard that on the grapevine. The grapevine talks to me, you see. It likes me. It likes me very very much.
If you have to re-interview for some reason, please ask Inflatable Brad why his movie Benjamin Button was so unutterably naff. And if you can pin him down (figuratively) on a Jennifer Anniston question, why in this week’s Woman’s Day is she presented as an anguished crone wailing “Nobody wants me,” when despite all evidence that Non-Inflatable Brad has the gravitas of a dandelion seed trailing in Angelina’s slipstream, he is treated with some measure of seriousness?
Man, Mr Triv. Sounds like you and Inflatable Brad need to get a room.
Oh thank the LORD I am not the only one who thought that about that movie…I am so tired of nodding along with the “it was soooo deep” discussions – it actually creeped me out a bit…
But NDM – brilliant, as always..I thought you’d be pigionholed as a comedy blog if anything…much more comedy that parenting, or a nice mix of both
Thank you lifeslightlyused. I guess my blog is mostly the comedy of parenting… and then some weird weird shit thrown in just to keep everyone on their toes.
I can’t believe that “Gubble Bum” rated a rather lengthy analysis, while “plughole” went entirely unremarked.
That, and you entirely failed to mention whether IBP was, other than his pube-and-bandaid beard (a fashion he’ll undoubtedly be sporting in real life now), wearing anything at all. I need to know these things if I’m going to be spending otherwise-productive work time thinking about talking to Brad Pitt, because it will determine whether or not I should put a drool towel over my keyboard before reading.
As it is, I played it safe.
Good for you, jungle monkey. Good for you.
I’m willing to hire out IBP – he comes fully dressed in a rubber tuxedo (easy to remove and hose down) and with or without his beard (some people prefer to make the beard themselves).
PS. Can’t believe I let a ‘plughole’ gag opportunity pass me by…
That was freaking AWESOME!
… and just a little bit creepy too?
I surrender – you’re a writer. Anyone who can make me lol is vetted in my book. Well, not my literal book. Although…
I like it when my readers surrender. It makes things so much easier for me.
You are just soaring
I guess if I strap enough inflatable celebrities to me, I’ll eventually rise up like that movie “Up”.
You do realise you’re nuts, don’t you? You know that inflatable Brad would never have been let loose with all those inflatable children without Angelina and her inflatable lips, don’t you?
Sheesh! Just blowing up those lips alone would have taken more out of me than inflating the kids and the nannies.
Hang on a minute! Is [Famous Person] going to GT’s birthday actually Brad Pitt or merely an inflatable [Famous Person]???
Mmmmm…. not telling! I’m sure GT has a collection of her own inflatable celebrities, impeccably dressed of course.
Well if there was any question about your credibility as a writer, I think that post would have well and truly taken care of it… either…way.
I think you’re ready for TV.
But is TV ready for me??
I’m just slightly concerned about WHY you have access to a blow up sex doll???
Please explain …
“Having access to” a blow up sex doll? Now, there’s a phrase laden down in double-meanings…
I thought IBP looked very surprised during the whole interview. Do you think he’s had some work done?
I think you’re onto something. Before I put the beard on him he looked eerily like Cher.
Oh this is so ridiculously funny – can I get any credit? Can we say this was all my idea? Even though it wasn’t. Can we get Brad to say it was?
Yes, it’s funny how I can go from a suggestion like “celebrity advice column” and end up with a post like this… If I had to give any advice to the Inflatable Brad Pitt, it would be this: “Avoid Genghis Cat. He’s got sharp claws and teeth.”
Thank heavens my kids are in bed and my husband is at Poker Night so no one can hear me snorting with laughter. So unladylike!
I always feel most satisfied when I get a snort out of someone.
You’re not a mommy blogger! You’re f*cking hilarious!
Why thank you Carol. I like the asterisk in the word “fucking”. In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, it looks like my arsehole. Except he was talking about his arsehole, not mine. Thankfully.
Awesome. Hilarious. Made my day.
P.S at least IBP didn’t pass wind…
Axx
Oh, I’m glad. Isn’t it great when an inflatable sex doll with pubic hair stuck to its face with pubic hair can make someone’s day? In fact, that just made *my* day.
I await the interview with K Rudd with great anticipation!!!! LOL
I’m not sure if I have enough puff in me to blow up an inflatable K Rudd, overinflated ego and all.
Very funny, NDM, very funny. Loved it, and you really showed “them” ( …I’m not sure what exactly, but something…)
No, I’m not sure what exactly I showed them either but boy did I show ‘em good! Yay me!
The more you do this kinda shit the more I hate you.
And by that I mean: “I am so envious of your wit/funny/verve/sardonic ubercool I want to buy an inflatable Brad Pitt and have my way with him (it?) just to ease my frustration a *little* FFS”.
Or can I borrow yours?
Jayne, you may borrow my Inflatable Brad any time for using all those superlatives to describe me.
Now, was that “verve” or “Veuve”? The champagne drinker in me wants to know…
I know – how good did I do with the superlatives??? As it turns out ‘verve’ jumped unbidden as I wrote (oh lovely Blog Comment Muse! Oxymoron anyone?) So I searched teh interwebs and found this:
verve. n. vivaciousness; liveliness; enthusiasm or vigor
Yes. I don’t know why I actually used that word.
I maybe should have said “Veuve”
Although… fuck I’m tired.
Verve was a fine word to use. Veuve might have been better (as in “I took the liberty of arranging for a chilled bottle of Veuve to be delivered to your home”).
Beavers on a farm? Ridiculous. I was just saying the same thing the other day to inflatable Nigella Lawson…..She was similarly non-committal.
Apparently the farm had a lot of pussies and puppies, too. Sounds more like a heavy-petting zoo to me.
Straight out of the ‘parenting blog’ pigeon-hole into the more luxurious ‘probing-but-affable celebrity interviewer’ cubicle.
And yes, I did just use the word probing. Oops.
Oooh, I love it when you talk dirty.
By all accounts, they might be some of the most intelligent responses to come from Brad Pitt in some time. You’re a master, NDM. The Bloggies are just a stepping stone to the Walkleys.
I’m like the Molly Meldrum of the Inflatable Celebrity World? I always loved it that a lot of the celebs only ever wanted to talk to Molly when they came to Australia. It was because the hardest question he ever managed to ask them was “Where did you get those fabulous shoes?”.
Stop it!!!! You are making me cry! Well I have tears.
It’s okay, Thea. No inflatable children were hurt in the writing of this post. No, really. Dry your tears.
Beavers, plug holes and band aids….I’ll never look at Brad Pitt the same way again. Funniest piece I’ve read in ages. Possibly ever.
Thank you Kirst35. If the real Brad Pitt read this, I don’t think *he’d* be able to look at himself the same way ever again. For one thing, I think he’d shave off his beard…
LMAO. Surely you’ll surpass the rabid monkey bloggers now…
Those rabid monkey bloggers can’t really handle the inflatable celebrities like I can. For one thing, their claws are too sharp.
You are seriously twisted. But very, very funny. Thanks for the laugh.
It’s hard to explain how or why my mind works like it does, but I’m so relieved this blog gives me an outlet for it all.
“(hurriedly stuffs Inflatable Brad under the bed and kicks all inflatable kids and nannies into the kids’ room).” lol Sweet, sweet kids aka unsuspecting scapegoats! You crack me up!
I wasn’t so crass as to kick the wine cask twins into their room however. I just put them next to my husband’s side of the bed, with his other ‘empties’.
the Male version of your post – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6raVzrbqrM
thought you may appreciate it
Tim Minchin… *sigh*…
I have a question for you.
It’s very very important.
I feel that you have left out a very important piece of information.
And that is…
Where can I get an inflatable Brad Pitt????
There is shop after shop full of crap nobody really needs at the local shopping mall, yet not a single shop sells inflatable celebrities. Not a single one.
It’s a sad world we live in, eh?
I love this post. I’m also really glad that you unearthed my suspicions – Brad Pitt is not there to be heard or to voice his opinions; he is there to be looked at.
I’m sure Angelina feels the same.
You’re pretty awesome, you know that?
I am. At least that’s what Inflatable Brad tells me…
OMG, this IS serious, pmsl!
Alicia Keys is my hero i tell everyone at school that she is my sister they belive me too i love her and i wish i could meet her.