I learnt the hard way when I was seventeen that “Tunisian Blonde” essentially meant “pink hair”. You’d think the ensuing weeks of walking around looking like Stephanie from Lazy Town might have put me off dying my hair for life, but alas, no.
Last weekend I found myself unexpectedly alone in the house for twenty hours and got a bit carried away. I had been the Walking Wall of Beige for so long now that it was time to be bold and to make a change. I went to the supermarket and purchased a packet of hair dye called “Bordeaux Chocolate Brown”, partly because the colour looked rich and lustrous, but mostly because it was on sale.
As I applied it to my head, the fact that “Bordeaux” was a region known more for its red wine than its chocolate began to worry me. It looked very, uh, purple. I grew deeply concerned that I was going to look like some kind of mid-life crisis Barney The Dinosaur. Result.
Nervously, I waited the requisite 30 minutes and rinsed it out. Wet, it didn’t look too bad. It certainly didn’t look purple. Maybe I wouldn’t look too bad after all?
After a while, however, I became concerned again. Surely my hair would have dried by now? I put my hand to my head and realised it was bone dry.
I rang KT. “I seem to have made a terrible mistake! I’ve put a colour through my hair and it’s come out black!”
“That sounds great!” KT enthused.
“No, it isn’t. It’s accentuated every single blemish and wrinkle on my face. I look like one of those old Italian women who can’t let go of their youth!” I wailed.
“All you need is some make up!” KT reassured me.
“Makeup??” I was horrified. The only time I had really worn makeup in the last twenty years was my wedding day and even then I had run screaming from the eye shadow. “Oh, god. What have I done…”
“Don’t worry, it’ll wash out. I mean, it wasn’t permanent, was it?” KT asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll check…” I said, grabbing the box. “OH. MY. SWEET. FUCK… It’s not only permanent but it’s “salon-tested fade-proof”. I mean, if it says it on the box it must be true. Oh god! The regrowth! I’ll have a beige-coloured skunk stripe along my part in a matter of weeks! WEEKS!”
I quickly did some calculations. That was pretty much perfect timing for my interstate trip to attend my friend GT’s 40th and meet [Famous Person]. That was great. Fucking great.
I rang my husband, who had taken the kids to Blinkton for the night.
“Um, I’m not sure you should leave me alone in the house again,” I said. “You could say the freedom has gone to my head… literally…”
And I confessed to the fact that I now officially looked like Liberace but without the diamontes and jewelery and how I now understood why he wore all that sparkly crap – it was to take the focus off his goddamn hair. And how, instead of enjoying my child-free time, I was just wandering from room to room and exclaiming “GAH!” every time I caught sight of my reflection.
My husband was philosophical.
“I’ll still love you,” he said. “In any case, I’ve got the hair clippers.”
I can see where all this is heading. If I cut all my hair off, rather than looking like Sinead O’Connor or even Britney Spears mid-nervous breakdown, I’ll look like Jabba The Fucking Hutt. (*Sigh*).
It’s really hard to know which way to go with this.
Oh, I wanted to vote Britney Spears mid-breakdown!!!!
At least she wasn’t wearing blue eye shaddow from the 1980′s!
*sigh* I guess Jabba isn’t wearing it either … but Liberace has got that bling.
If your hubby will “still love you”, can you play the “If you really love me, you will buy me lots of gaudy sparkly jewellery” line?
Then you get some new bling and it will be worth it
I’m afraid I’d have to have some kind of personality-transplant to carry off ‘bling’.
You can’t be the Walking Wall of Beige for over a decade and become 100% bedazzled (and, indeed, vajazzled) over night.
Relax – Jabba the Hutt is a puppet from one of the most over-rated movie franchises of all time. Liberace was a smart, showbiz operator who parlayed his actual talent into an empire of glittering camp. There really is no choice.
So you voted for Jabba The Hut, then?
Have you got enough left over to do the eyebrows as well? That could make all the difference. And you can always retouch just before the big party. With the tiara and the sash the Liberace look could really work…
Don’t forget the vodka-sceptre! I know I won’t.
Eeth wong che coh pa na-geen, nah meeto toe bunky dunko. Hahaha.
He may have been a lame, franchised puppet but he had gold-bikini Leia for a sex slave. I vote Jabba (though I reckon there should be a third choice; a True Blood vampire).
Nah, too many wrinkles and blemishes to pull off the Creature of the Night look.
As probably the only female here with a shaved head, I’m not sure if I should be mortally wounded by the comparison to Jabba the fucking Hutt, or excited by the prospect of finally having someone join me in the liberation of life without hair.
Surely there’s no choice to be made.
Now, now, Cate. You look positively Sinead with your ‘do.
Life without hair would be fine if I didn’t think it would pull focus to my blotchy complexion and misshapen head.
I would shampoo the crap out of it–literally. I have a lot of home hair coloring experience (I’ve done everything from dark brown to platinum blonde myself). And if you colored your hair darker than the natural color, it will inevitably fade. A lot. And if you wash it and blow dry it (and if you have a flat iron, use that too) a few times it should definitely fade. Using heat products causes darkened hair to fade more quickly too. If you give it a few days of doing this and you’re still unhappy, you could buy a lighter color (I’d avoid anything with “ash” or “golden” in the title) and try to brighten it up.
Thanks for your tips. I’m on it!
And here I was about to get Just for Men to get rid of the greys and hook up with biarches commuting on buses, who will now give me the time of day.
Once in my youth, while dying my hair blonde (don’t ask) I did suddendly think – wouldn’t it be awesome to, instead of shaving it off – try to dye my beard blond? Seconds later, I remember thinking, gasping for breath from the fumes, eyes stung blind, rolling in pain on the bathroom floor “I’m going to die silently in the bathroom while everyone is in the VERY NEXT room watching TV. And my corpse will have a half blonde beard if they don’t wash it out immediately”.
I’m glad you survived that ordeal to tell the tale. It made me snort out loud.
Don’t worry NDM. I’m one of those Italian women who can’t let go of their youth and a veteran of hair-dyeing since my hair started greying in high-school. Believe me when I say that “salon-tested fade-proof” is marketing speak for “it will come out in about two washes and all your greys will show. Guaranteed.
But you’re not an OLD italian woman… Not yet, anyway. See how you feel after you turn 40 this weekend…
Oh yes, I too have made that same buy-the-colour-which-is-on-special mistake. And it was permanent. I am happy to tell you it did fade…somewhat. And in the meantime, I had to daily trowel on a good dose of artificial face colour ie. foundation and blusher
You mean makeup??? (*runs screaming from the room*)
Just remember not to handle chillies before you apply the eye makeup and all will be well. BTW, did you know that Liberace’s first name was Wladziu? You could totally rock that when you talk to Famous Person.
… especially if I’ve just touched my eyes with chili-hands and look like I’m having an extreme allergic reaction to my mascara and/or some kind of nervous breakdown.
Mine is currently orange. I’d take black.
The good thing about a good bright orange is that it distracts people from looking too closely at your flawed complexion. Also, you can moonlight as a clown for children’s parties.
Black over the top works well. I did something similar. Dark brown will help too.
Redye?
I don’t think I’m to be trusted with home dying kits ever again.
I feel your pain. I once accidentally went a nice purplish hue, then the brown I used to tame it the next time did nothing but turn my grey regrowth yellow. I looked like someone had peed on a purple skunk and placed it atop my head.
Someone I know swears by cheap old-school extra strong anti-dandruff shampoo to strip or fade a bad hair colour. Best of luck to you!
Your story confirms my suspicions that a re-dye strategy might make me yearn for the days I looked like Liberace in makeup…
Scarves are good. So are hats. Is that really Liberace? It looks like Tony Curtis.
I was waiting for somebody to call me on whether the photo was really Liberace. Of course, I really don’t know if it is or not. It merely looked like me in makeup, is all.
Oh.My.Goodness. Can we catch up in the school holidays – I *have* to see this.
I’ll send you a photo. It will last longer (if what people are saying about the so-called fade proof nature of the dye is true).
of course if you do go the vajazzling route no one will be looking at your hair.
You raise a fair point. However, as it is winter here in Australia, the vajazzling would be hidden under at least six layers of clothing…
I’m with Rebecca – I have been self dying since age of 16, lather, rinse, repeat, blowdry then check – it fades really easily and quickly and bonus – it will fade – you didn’t try for blonde highlights and end up with bright barkley-the-dog-from-sesame street highlights that you are still having to colour with dark brown and black a year and a half later – not that I’m bitter or anything
I also know that black/dark colour is always a shock at first – the oh god i look so pale!!!! but it passes, it really does. Promise. And if that fails, shampoo every morning and night till it is a level you like and invest in a couple of headscarves for the meantime, or headbands, or even a ponytail – tying it back makes it seem less “wall-like” as well
Best of Luck.
Oh and Liberace. Not quite so evil.
And anti-dandruff shampoo definately – I have been told by two hairdressers to stop using them because they will strip colour.
The other benefit of dark hair is showcasing your dandruff. It would seem that Head & Shoulders is my bestest friend right now.
Supermarket hair dyes do not sit in my hair unfortunately (or fortunately!), plus I have very poor fine motor skills ( I blame my wanderlust mother during my preschool year) and I end up with hair dye all over my face and not in my hair. Not in my hair At ALL.
It appears though as if I may have to do something soon. My boss couldn’t hear a word of what I was saying in our meeting the other day because I had an errant grey that was just sitting straight up in the air, waving at him. The indignity of ageing…He then tried to make me feel better by pointing out his not-so-amazing shoes he was wearing. Whatever. Damage done, dude.
Good luck getting it out. We wouldn’t want [Famous Person] to be any the wiser. I vote for Brit Brit, by the way.
“Not so amazing shoes”? Were they heels in the style of David Brent in ‘The Office’?
I’m guessing you use most hair dye as a self-tanning solution, then?
I was walking down the road the other day when I heard a piping voice loudly telling his mum that, “girls can have purple hair”. His mum said, “no they cant,” and he smugly said, “yes they can, that lady has purple and white hair!” and pointed at me. I was rapt.
It doesn’t help you I know, but I have been waiting ages for a hair dye post so that I can share that little gem.
I voted for liberace btw.
I’m glad I was able to provide you with the right forum for your purple’n'white hair anecdote.
*Is* your hair purple and white, by the way?
Too funny. This almost tops your poo post!
Thank you! It almost makes dyeing my hair a stupid colour worth it.
Honey any good hairstylist can strip the artificial color out. (I say ‘good’ because really any hairstylist can, and there are even color removers available at the drugstore right next to the dyes, but a good salon can do it without leaving your hair feeling like straw.) I know this from experience, having had an adventuresome and independent youth.
Had I not just had a haircut, I could justify the cost of going again to get my (very good) hairdresser to sort my head out.
I’m just going to have to suck it up, I’m afraid.
I shaved my head a few years back, and my friend said “Remember in Total Recall where that woman got stuck at the airport, and she pulled her hair off, and it turned out that she was a giant bomb? You look just like her!”
And yet, I did it again later.
Nowadays, my hair is crimson. When it’s freshly colored, I look like Ronald McDonald’s lesbian sister.
So, betcha you don’t look as bad as you think.
“Ronald McDonald’s lesbian sister” VS. “Tony Curtis dressed up as Liberace wearing eye make up”.
Who would win, I wonder….
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