My husband has taken on a new mistress. He likes to stroke and pinch her lovingly at the breakfast table, right in front of his own wife and children.
Yes, my husband has gotten himself an internet and multimedia-enabled smartphone.
Not an iPhone, mind. An iPhone-a-like.
He says it’s called an Android and it’s better than an iPhone. Whatever. It’s a frickin’ phone. And I have never seen a man so attached to a frickin’ phone. In fact, I never thought I would see this man so attached to a frickin’ phone.
I mean, this is the man who once criticised me for checking my blog statistics during an episode of Boston Legal. In my defence, it was an episode from Season Four – the season where all the main characters contracted a bad case of the Ally McBeals and went all stupid. I think even Denny Crane’s wife would have done the same. If Denny Crane had a wife in Season Four. And that wife had a blog. And if, of course, that wife with a blog also had WiFi at home so she could check her blog stats on the computer in the loungeroom while watching Boston Legal. And if you can accept, too, that a character from the show could watch an episode of said show. And yes, this allusion has almost gotten as stupid as the fourth season of the show now so I should really just stop it here. UNLIKE THE MAKERS OF BOSTON LEGAL WHO WENT ON TO MAKE YET ANOTHER SEASON OF THE SHOW.
Anyway, so besotted is my husband with his new iPhone-a-like that he has taken to consulting it for everything – from breaking news and the latest weather, all the way to the app which tells him which foot he should next put forward when walking and that other app that advises whether he should let a fart out or not. All the while, he’s stroking that touch-screen with tender loving care…
I’m thoroughly expecting him to change its ring tone to Whitney Houston’s ‘Saving All My Love For You’ any day now.
All I can do, as a non-iPhone (or even non-iPhone-a-like) owner, is shake my head. Of course, if I did have an iPhone, I’d be swiping and pinching my own screen in a race to get the answer to whatever the question was first. That way I could show him that my iPhone shat on his iPhone-a-like from a great height. And yes, there’s apparently an iPhone app that helps you do that.
Anyway, the other day, we were driving somewhere new and we got a bit lost. Rather than pick up the street directory near his feet, my husband whipped out his Electronic Mistress and fired up google maps. The ensuing conversation went something like this:
NDM: So do I turn left or right here?
HUSBAND: Hang on… Just checking… Whoops, didn’t mean to do that.
NDM: The lights are going to change any moment. I’m going to have to make a decision. Left or right?
HUSBAND: (pinching and stroking and swooshing the crap out of his phone) Um… oh, shit…
NDM: LEFT! OR! RIGHT!
HUSBAND: Uh…
NDM: Okay, the lights have changed and I’m going to turn right. I’m turning right! TURNING! RIGHT! There. I’ve turned right. What’s your little girlfriend got to say about that?
HUSBAND: Oh… er… that you should have turned left?
Now I understand why most men keep their mistresses a secret from their wives. It’s because the wife might be tempted to throw the mistress out the window of a moving vehicle while doing a U-turn in heavy traffic to correct a mistake that MIGHT HAVE BEEN AVOIDED had the mistress been stroked and swooshed correctly by the so-called husband. I mean, if the man is going to keep us both, he’s going to have to treat us right. Sheesh.
Hmmm. Husband annoying you. I believe there’s an app for that.
Get an ipad and make him jealous of your new lover.
The iPad doesn’t interest me that much. It’s like it’s caught in some kind of hellish limbo between being a phone and being a computer.
Is the app to stop him from being annoying or to make him annoying?
What. A. Bitch!
Bloody i-mistresses doing what they can to wreck perfectly good, civil, Him Navigating/Her Driving travel experience.
*sigh*
Question? If hubby’s are no good at stroking and caressing and swooshing their wives, are they any better with their mistresses? And if so, how come?
Or does this post answer that question for me?
For one thing his work pays for his mistress, whereas he has to pay for me. However, I’m not sure if it’s in his interest to swoosh me more than his mistress… Anyone?
You just wait until you get your iPhone missy!
Oh, I know I will love my new iPhone… WHEN I BLOODY WELL GET ONE.
As someone who has advised me to WAIT until after the 4G PHONE has been RELEASED at the end of THIS MONTH, it is quite rude OF you to REMIND ME OF THIS ONGOING PAIN I HAVE TO SUFFER.
I have an Android phone. Mr E has Android phone envy. But I’m not having an affair with it. He may start one if he can convert his phone though.
Tread carefully. Your husband may be having an affair with your Android behind your back.
The map versus machine battle is one we wage frequently. I’m map, he’s machine (surprised, me neither). I just don’t get why we need something electronic to do the work of a map. A map app.
The only map I would like to see supplanted by an electronic device is the map on Dora The Explorer.
“Say Map!”
“Map!”
“LOUDER!”
“MAAAAAPPPPPPP!”
hah.. great post. If you had an iphone or android, you’d understand. Never come between a man and a new toy!
Cheers
Brett
I’m learning that. The other day one of the kids went to touch his new phone with sticky-jam-hands and he went ballistic. Whereas when the kids try to touch *me* with sticky-jam-hands, he is remarkably relaxed.
The KW has an iphone mistress. I share your pain NDM. And that bitch of a mistress has destroyed all the pleasure of confidently asserting a fact that I’m are not entirely sure is fact and having the KW accept it as the stone cold truth. I hate her.
I can bet she’s just giving him the Wikipedia account of the truth, written by a committee of people who have nothing better to do with their lives than update Wikipedia entries.
Mine’s too busy bedding Bunnings. Only saving grace at least as it’s not shoved in my face at the dinner table. She’s an expensive whore though.
Oh, Bern. Bunnings *is* an expensive whore. And she’s everywhere, that saucy temptress! A man can’t even drive to the local fish’n'chip shop without getting the sudden urge to ‘nip in’ to buy tungsten-tipped screws and/or a Rip Cut saw. Both as essential as milk or bread. Or so my husband tells me.
Probably a good thing mine doesn’t like smart phones much. Although, I’ve just introduced him to twitter, so that’s going to be fun. Heh.
My husband is on twitter now but thankfully not following me. Unless he’s posing as one of those sex bots I haven’t blocked yet, which, considering the nature of his relationship with this iPhone-a-like, is entirely possible.
u should get urself an iPhone.. and ur husband should learn how to stroke his mistress properly.. But isn’t that just the cycle of life..? He wouldn’t miss his turns…
His turns on what? The iPhone-a-like? He ain’t touching my iPhone. No way. That bitch will be mine, all mine.
Is there an app for getting your husband to STOP PLAYING WITH THE EFFING PHONE? I’d like to get that one. Not that I have an iPhone. Not that phones are natural, but there’s something about touch-screen phones that are so…….icky and unnatural.
Maybe he can log the amount of times he strokes iHer and then he has to log in equal amounts to you? Fair’s fair.
Or perhaps the strokes could equate into Australian dollars and I could cash my ‘points’ in for nice wine and chocolate.
My hubby also got one of those pretend iPhones. He did it to be contrary, because he couldn’t bear to get an iPhone after I’d been raving about mine (he is genetically hardwired to do the opposite of everything I do, or suggest, or imply). So he went with the pretend iPhone and is trying to convince me and him that it is better than the iPhone…but we both know it isn’t. It really really isn’t.
I had no idea you had an iPhone. NO. IDEA. You probably don’t need it now you have a newborn baby. The best thing for you to do is to post it to me ASAP – oh, and continue to pay the bills for it for the next three years. I’m gonna have to do a lot of web browsing to keep up with my husband.
My wife is not jealous of my phone or computer as basically, she has no fucking idea how to operate the things. One small victory for mankind…………
I never took you for a technological oppressor, Fendy!
I am not a technological oppressor, NDM. This is a democratic household. I Tweet, Facebook and comment on blogs of distinction, while Mrs F watches Law and Order re-runs. Isn’t it wonderful to live in a free society ? For the time being, anyway………
I avoided the coffee whilst reading your blog, only to save it for later in the day and nearly choke on my cheese. My husband hates my computer, my blog, my twitter account. Basically everything I think is most fun at the moment. I’m just going to ignore him until he catches on.
I’m confused… did your coffee turn into cheese because you saved it for later? How much “later” did you save it for??
This should have come with a “Spoiler Alert” because I only just started watching Boston Legal and now I know that Danny Crane doesnt have a wife with a blog in the fourth season….
But at least you know not to bother with Season Four. Seasons One through to Three, however, are mostly magnificent.
I LOVE the idea of the medium in MEDIUM (who is allegedly real) having a series ‘based on her life. So you could have a series about this blog. Also twould be a little like the series Dave’s World (or whatever it was called, can’t be bothered checking when I’m on such a red hot roll) about Dave Barry the columnist and his family and life.
Not Drowning Mothering is the obvious title, but if our American friends get hold of it and drive a dump truck of money down your driveway it will probably end up being called something heinous like Mommy Blogger.
Unfortunately @TheNDM will be played by someone extremely lame like Courtney Thorne Smith – but do understand at this point you are stinkin’ rich with your television money, you have two maids and most days you’re smashed before 11am.
This is usually enough to break some people, but I think someone with your philosophical grasp can see that if you and your husband and children are played by super-attractive blonde Aryan Americans with capped teeth and fake eveything, then you have carte blanche to be emotionally detached from such a travesty and spend your days being extremely derisive about a television show that doesn’t resmble your old life and has delivered you your new life. Hubris. Hypocrisy. Big Bucks.
And in this scenario I’d imagine you would have a iPhone 4 just given to you in some kind of gala goodie bag.
Your husband and my wife, have much in common. Perhaps we should introduce them ?…………
Damn! That was directed to lifeinapinkfibro……….
That made me laugh, my other half hates all things that I do on the computer, twitter, blog etc. However he loves being on the computer, and his Xbox, Playstation. But do you know what he does, when I am watching tv, he starts watching something on th laptop in the lounge next to me with the volume up! Urghhhh!
Very funny, you’re a great writer. I did a real LOL reading this. I love my iPhone and try not to use it at the table or in bed but… well actually I don’t really try that hard. But I should. Phone etiquette and all that. I don’t believe in people answering their phones whilst in the middle of a face-to-face conversation, but if hubby can read the newspaper at the table or read a book in bed, why shouldn’t I do the same using my iPhone?