It recently came to my attention – I’m not sure quite how – that there was a page on Facebook called “If I knew you were coming I’d of baked a cake.. LOL jk I’d of locked the door 🙂” which 136,668 people had apparently ‘liked’ enough to click a button with the word ‘LIKE’ on it. I don’t know about you, but I put its success largely down to the inclusion of the smiley face at the end and the fact it LOLs in the face of grammar.
It also came to my attention that, in stark contrast, the number of people who purported to ‘like’ my own facebook page was 244.
The obvious thing to do to rectify this rather embarrassing situation was to change my page title to ‘Not Drowning LOL jk Mothering :)’ – ‘LOL jk’ being something the Youth Of Today use to indicate they’re telling a joke instead of, say, actually being funny. (Oh, my! Did I just type that out loud?)
Anyway, I soon learnt it was a bit too late to jump aboard the ‘LOL jk’ wagon – a quick search on facebook yielded 132,000 results. That ship had well and truly sailed – it evidently being the kind of wagon that easily converts into a sail boat.
So I decided instead to run an Oprah-style giveaway to the 250th person to ‘like’ me on Facebook. Except, even as I announced it on Facebook, I realised that I really had no idea what I could possibly give away, with the exception, perhaps, of my dignity. The word ‘Special’ had been carelessly bandied around a lot. I was under pressure…
But then I found it – again, I’m not sure how. It was the perfect gift. It said all I wanted to say… and more! It was a photo… of a dog… wearing a jaunty-angled cap… SMOKING A CIGAR! It was exactly right for a forum like Facebook where I’m always being urged to ‘buy’ JPEGS of bull dogs wearing party hats for my friends’ birthdays. Except those official Facebook Party Bulldogs aren’t even smoking cigars. Sad, but true.
Anyway, I emailed the picture to my 250th person in the smug knowledge that I was enriching her life considerably. Later that day, however, I decided the picture was so very ‘special’ that it was my civic duty to share it with the rest of my Facebook ‘Likers’. I’m generous like that.
My 250th person, however, was devastated. In her words, her ‘special’ gift had been “cheapened”. But then, she’d had the picture for four hours more than everyone else. Four. Whole. Hours. As I wrote over on Facebook “Imagine the possibilities!”. I mean, if she hadn’t made the most of that four hour head start, (growls:) that was her fucking problem.
Still, I felt bad. I truly did. Bad enough to email her the picture of a My Little Pony dressed up as Princess Leia in a gold lamé bikini that my husband had once sent me to fuck with my head. I then reassured everyone back over on Facebook that I had made amends by sending her a photo of My-Little-Pony-dressed-up-as-Princess-Leia-in-a-gold-lamé-bikini and then I attached the photo so they’d know what the hell I was talking about.
“It’s like a knife to my heart. You are dead to me, you hear? Dead!” my 250th person said when she saw I’d shared yet another of her ‘special’ prizes with the masses.
Of course the only thing I could possibly do then was to email her a picture of a Lego figurine giving birth to an alien life through its stomach. And this time I didn’t post this picture on Facebook. No. I’d learnt my lesson. No, truly! Also, it was kind of creepy – unlike the capped dog smoking a cigar and the Slave Pony Princess Leia.
I mean, you judge for yourself:
I can’t talk about it. My therapist says I have to move on.
Now excuse me, I’m off to rock in a corner.
This is the moment I can reveal you to be my 250th ‘Liker’, the envy of all who have read this post.
After that restraining order you slapped on me (shortly after the lego alien birth thing), I was uncertain of whether I was allowed to identify you by name or not…
Oh my. LOL jk.
LOL jk, indeed. The one thing I’m a bit disappointed about with this post is my inability to end it off with a bona fide LOL jk joke.
Something like
“Rachael, I promise I won’t send you any more stupid photos LOL jk There’s already one of a dog’s arsehole that looks like one of the Olsen twins in your inbox.”
Damn, forgot the smiley. 🙂 (Not tech enough to do one that winks, more’s the pity.)
You mean an animated emoticon? The holy grail of blogging???
One more thing though. Don’t you think he looks like he’s been attacked with a watermelon?
Just me then. I’ll get my coat.
Of all the fruit, watermelons are the most violent. It’s a well-established fact.
There is just no pleasing some people….
Is this directed at Rachael (who appears to be complaining I sent her a photo of a watermelon assaulting a lego figurine rather than a lego figurine giving birth to an alien through its stomach. I’m sure the consumer advisory board hear that complaint a lot) or at me who was dissatisfied with only 244 likes?
Either way, I think you have grounds for compensation.
*snicker* Didja know there’s actually a t-shirt showing a sonogram of the alien baby out there?
http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2009/11/alien-baby-sonogram-t-shirt.html
Just to give potential parents a “heads-up” mind you… oooohhhhh, that was a bad pun, sosorry *sneaks off into the night*
Wearing that tshirt when you’re pregnant would sure stop people asking when you are due or if you know what the sex is…
@ Rachel – definitely a watermelon! Perhaps just the two of us, then – hmmmm
*sigh*
Slighly off topic – I fantasise about getting some free time when the kids are at school so I may fuck with their Lego collection (just as it has fucked with me) and take pics to put on the ‘net …
Are you really planning to fuck lego? Man, you’re one sick lady.
When I quit my job and am home writing full-time, will I have enough time to keep up with FaceBook again? I cancelled my account because I had some ridiculous number of “friends” (very, VERY few of whom are real friends of the sort that would lend me a fiver, drive me to the airport or tell me I have lipstick on my teeth) whose lives apparently consisted of nothing but Farmville and Mafia Wars.
I want to actually MEET some of my so-called friends. Hang out with them. Have a drink and commiserate about how hard it is to make friends after you’re an adult.
At least friends that won’t shoot you or ask you to watch their cow.
I ‘hid’ Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars and Farmville at the earliest opportunity on my facebook profile and my world has been a happier place ever since.
I agree re: facebook. I think most people aren’t really seeking friendship – they just want to suss out what you’re doing and whether their lives have turned out better than yours…
Wow. Is that all? Then I should get right back to FaceBook where I can serve as a dire object lesson to everyone I went to high school and college with, and everyone I’ve ever worked with!
LOL largely … loved that 🙂
Thanks for rounding that off with a smiley face to show the colour of your emotion. 😉
I think we need to see ALL the photos….particularly the Princess Leia My Little Pony. I also want to see a Jabba the Hut My Little Pony.
Your husband has facebook access. Is he keeping those lovely photos all to himself? I can bet he is. He’s like that, that one.
Oh that Leia/Alien chestburster is just magnificent (I used to do similar things with my airfix soldiers, a match and red paint).
For what passes for my spare time I’ve been trying to get a photo of my son’s new Buzz Lightyear with an Alien facehugger clamped to its helmet in a series of shots recreating the famous scene (Buzz descends into eerie landscape, finds egg, egg opens, Buzz gets surprise of a non-Kinder variety). Maybe later the Toy Story gang could be having noodles when Buzz begins to cough and spasm….
I’ll get my coat.
I hope you’re just getting your coat so you can nip down the high street to pick up a face hugger and make that photo a reality!
Like, this was a totally badass post LOL jk. Like. ZOMG. (WTF does the Z stand for??? does anybody know?)
@ Mad Cow and MM: you do that and I’ll be front and centre. Holding your coats and mine. LOVE IT.
I’ve drawn a blank on the Z. I can’t even make a funny LOL JK about.
(*hangs head in shame*)
NDM, you are either as mad as a cut snake, or you are a genius writer. I prefer to believe it’s the latter. The former just scares me too much, knowing that you’re out there, somewhere……….
I think it’s a case of a little bit of both – a titillating mix of madness and genius, kind of like David Copperfield (the magician not the Dickens’ novel) making the Eiffel Tower disappear. Yes, disappear.
You’re using my ‘kinda creepy’ line (and spelling it wrong I might add) with no credit at the end!
What kind of writer are you?!! (apart from being one I adore!)
I’m thinking fender4eva might be on to something here….
Ah, but you said that the jaunty-capped dog smoking a cigar was “kinda creepy”. I maintain that that photo was comic genius and not a bit creepy at all. I mean, the dog is smoking a cigar! It’s genius! A little unhealthy, maybe… but creepy? Never!
So I therefore wasn’t quoting you directly. Unless you said the lego-figurine-giving-birth-blah-blah-blah was “kinda creepy” when you read this post. In which case, one must therefore assume I was standing behind you, looking over your shoulder as you read the post WHILE WRITING IT AT THE VERY SAME TIME. Which actually *IS* creepy (the standing behind you, but not the writing of the post, which is just Pure Mad Genius).
Does that even make sense?
That’s like some crazy Bill and Ted’s Back to the Future Hot Tub Time Machine all mixed into one!
Bwahahahaha!
You’re knucking futz, you know that woman?
I would like a picture of a Lego Buffy ripping off the head of a Lego Edward Cullen, pls. njk lol
Txx
“NJK LOL”? I love it. You’re taking the form and deconstructing it on the spot. Brilliant.
My brother would appreciate your photos; he once designed me a My Little Pony computer game. I was, of course, delighted. Sadly, no matter what move I made, my My Little Pony blew up. Had she been wearing a gold lamé, the catastrophe would have been all the more glamorous.
Shall I put you in touch?
I must confess that I also did not at first think Alien baby… watermelonesque, yes.
My first thought however, was ‘wow some mum out there has stepped on lego on the floor one too many times…’
Oh lordy! Speechless! LOL! 😉
[…] – a prize at Not Drowning, Mothering for being her 250th fan on facebook. Go and visit her. She’s completely bonkers and she makes […]
[…] – a prize at Not Drowning, Mothering for being her 250th fan on facebook. Go and visit her. She’s completely bonkers and she makes […]
Free pictures for LIKING you? Where do I sign?! You have me doing that ROFLMAO thing that the Youth of Today are doing!
[…] – a prize at Not Drowning, Mothering for being her 250th fan on facebook. Go and visit her. She’s completely bonkers and she makes […]