My husband and I spent our honeymoon treading water outside a swim-up bar in a resort. Fact.
We’d never had a holiday like it and we’ve never had one since. It was pure R&R – we ambled lazily between bed, buffet, beach, bar and back to bed and were left wanting for nothing. It was the perfect way to de-stress after our wedding – at least for me, that is. My husband had himself a bad case of scabies and spent all day and night itching like fuck, but that’s neither here or there. *I* had a great time and, as we all know, it’s All About Me.
At the time, I remember thinking the resort would be the perfect place to come for a family holiday. But now that I’ve been initiated into the Parent Hood, I’m not so sure.
For one thing, while I haven’t seen anything formally in writing, I expect Social Services frowns upon tying your children’s swimming rings in a row behind you (like so many ducklings) at the swim-up bar, while you knock back absinthe-based cocktails with names like ‘Monkey Gland’ and ‘Sweaty Bollocks’.
For another thing, something like the ‘Kids Club’ might seem an ideal way of claiming some ‘Me Time’, but the cost of sending three kids for the day? You might as well be sending them to a Swiss Finishing School. Although I have to say that I’ve long-since been planning to sew a special suit for my kids so that they look like conjoined triplets and get in for the cost of one child. The age differences would take some explaining but I could probably say I was in labour for over six years and squeezed them out in two year intervals… which, now that I really think about it, might garner me some sympathy over at the Sunset Bar in the form of a complimentary cocktail served in an ice bucket with an extra long swirly straw and half a pineapple stuck on the side. Yes, I’m an Ideas Person.
Look, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “A family holiday isn’t about the selfish pursuit of relaxation (i.e. drinking) but about creating special family ‘together time’ away from the stresses and strains of everyday living.”
Sure, I love spending time with my family without living in the shadow of the undone dishes, dirty washing and cooking. But as a notorious tight-arse who smuggles her own home-made popcorn into the cinema, I balk at the idea of buying three meals out a day as you invariably do on holiday. When you’re an adult, you can always substitute real food with more alcohol, but kids need feeding – especially when you have a teenage boy-in-training like Mr Justice who can work a buffet better than his mother can work a free bar. Of course, if we only paid for one meal a day at the resort buffet, I could get turn all Fagen-esque and train the kids to stuff bread, cold meats and salads into their Conjoined Triplet Suit… Ideas. Always with the ideas…
In any case, the bottom line is this: almost every family holiday we have ever taken has ended with severe car failure, acute vomiting and/or friction burns from swiping our credit card too much. It hardly seems worth it.
Which is why my holiday of choice is getting all three kids asleep in their beds before 9PM and beating a clear path to my arm chair with a large box of Cadbury’s Roses tucked under my arm.
Of course, I’m happy to be proved wrong…
This post is my submission to the Kidspot’s Top 50 Blog Your Way To Dunk Island competition (which you might have guessed by its title). You can vote for me here and help me win a family holiday where I’ll get to jump up and down on a beach in a crocheted bikini, punching the air and alarming innocent onlookers.
Oh my god – this post could have been written by me!
I love the idea of the suit too, might look into that
Perhaps I could start a sideline mass producing those suits – to fund my next holiday!
The last family holiday was in Samoa and it was fantastic. The kid’s club was included in the cost – and it was every day, and they did fab stuff like collecting hermit crabs from the beach, fishing, dancing, making shell necklaces and bracelets, and having their hair braided.
We paid something like $200 extra for all of us and had all the meals included. And there was more than we could eat with those meals. It wasn’t always fabulous, but it was always good, and we didn’t have to worry if the kids ate a lot or not.
The only extra expense was the alcohol – those swim up bars were only at a par with most resort prices, but they add up. And they did mocktails with the kids, so we could all sit there together, drinking.
I would love to go back there … it was a really good value family holiday, and Samoans are really family oriented and love kids. I imagine, it was kind of like a Club Med (never having been to one), without the high prices.
This sounds wonderful! How old were your kids when you went? Where do I sign up?!!
We have done a few fairly local family holidays but we still have very little bubs and the out of routine thing is the biggest killer. There is only so long before the no sleep thing kind of destroys the beauty and fun of the surroundings….
Sounds like you had yourself a Holiday with a Capital H!
My husband says he’s keen to have his hair braided but he hasn’t specified which hair he’s talking about.
Good luck! A lot has happened between a honeymoon and three kids. No pelvic floor for a start. (Speaking on behalf of myself there)
Hope you get to rig up your kids on a cord in the pool x
Yes, a lot has happened.
As posted earlier on Twitter, here is a photo of my husband and I on holiday before kids
And here is a photo of us on holiday after kids…
We still haven’t managed a family trip that didn’t involve going to stay with our parents – familyholidayfail
With parents like yours, that *IS* a holiday, my dear.
Love your work. Have never had a swim-up pool bar holiday – and apparently the moment is gone forever (though I do love that visual of them all tied behind me in their floaties). The standard is high, Kidspot. But then, so are the stakes.
Everyone – I repeat: EVERYONE – needs a swim-up bar experience. It makes you realise why they invented the swimming pool and the cocktail umbrella. It all falls into place when you combine the two. Mark my words.
There are resorts in Fiji with Kids Club included for free. You can get great value package deals with flights included, especially if you book at the right time during the sales. Personally I’m with you on the not wanting to waste money on holidays. Apart from the annual trips to NZ and Fiji to visit grandparents, I am putting a hold on interstate/overseas holidays until my boys are big enough to go camping so we can take all our own stuff and rough it in the bush/beach/mountains for a couple of weeks. As for the “selfish pursuits of relaxation”, I prefer to do that without the kids!
We’ve done a little bit of camping as a family. I see it as 100% Togetherness. You can’t even go to the toilet block for some ‘Quiet Time’ with your copy of ‘Who Weekly’ without an underage chaperone.
Like lelah, besides two nights in Mildura with our firstborn and two nights in Warrnambool with our first and second, we haven’t managed a holiday that didn’t involve staying with my parents. We didn’t even have a honeymoon. But as we didn’t have the stress of a wedding either, that may leave us even.
I love my children dearly, but at this stage I cannot yet see how it is possible to have a particularly relaxing holiday with them. The pile of unread books that have traveled with me to and from my parents’ house is good proof of that. Even if we could afford to send them off to a “kids’ club”, we’d hardly be holidaying with them, would we? And I want to holiday with them. Just because it’s not relaxing, doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. Besides, I figure there’ll be plenty of time to relax when they’re grown up. Right?
Hope you win your holiday to Dunk Island. Just as long as I get to see the holiday snaps. I’m dying to see your crocheted bikini in all its glory!
Mildura and Warrnambool? You guys sure know how to pick some choice luxury holiday destinations.
I guess my definition of ‘holiday’ is still tied up with my pre-childed version, where I got to recharge my batteries. When you’re a parent, you’re a bit like one of those watches with ‘kinetic movement’ where you’re supposed to recharge yourself as you go.
Oh, yeah, we know how to holiday, just like we know how to party. That is, not really at all. Well, unless your idea of a holiday or party involves lots of couch and TV time with plenty of alcohol and chocolate. And for me, it does. That’s just one reason why you’ll never catch me in a crocheted bikini.
This is lovely this did make me laugh. Hope you win your holiday xx
It’s great when posting about making your children pose as conjoined triplets can be seen as ‘lovely’.
I hope I win my holiday too. Imagine the blog post I can write about it!
Haven’t yet ventured on a holiday with the toddler – well not to a hotel/resort type holiday anyway. Am really in need of some R&R and I’m busy, busy fooling myself in to believing that we can book a nice hotel and chill by the pool all day long with the toddler in toe. I have visions of her playing happily in one place while we sip the delicious cocktail. Foolish yes, but let me dream, please!! We’re going in september so maybe, just maybe my dream will become a reality…
I’m guessing you have only one child, right? If so, the answer to your prayers is two words: TAG TEAM. For the duration of the holiday, just forget that you have a partner because you will be like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same room at the same time. One of you will entertain the toddler and the other one can laze by the pool. Tidy.
Crocheted bikini? Does anyone wear them anymore?
Do it. You will be helping a lot of women. You could even make a mother’s group dedicated to making them.
I will buy one from you, promise. Silver with a touch of lurex. Big panties, smaller top.
Thanks NDM in advance.
The beauty of the crocheted bikini is that you can easily hang items like car keys, Bionicle armoury and children off the little holes.
If I don’t get enough time to make a bikini of my own (I’ll have to learn how to crochet first), I can always re-purpose the crocheted coat hangers that my darling departed Nanna made for me. Again: tidy.
like so many little ducklings, awesome visual – I can see it now! this made me giggle and then become a little vexed at the fantasy I have been harbouring about having a holiday abroad before wee one turns two and we have to fork out money for his seat on the plane… can we do it??? am I completely nuts??? probably…
You still have to pay 10% for the under twos on most airline carriers – someone’s got to pay for the oxygen they use on board!
I think the abroad trip is still possible with one child – (see note above about TAG TEAM) – with a little help from the inflight drinks service (for you) and Phenergan (for the child).
Alas, I now have the 2 boys, a 3 year old will be along for the ride too… OK so now I’m nuts yeah?
Maybe I will vote for you. But for the love of god, don’t do the crochet bikini. Or if you MUST, please make sure that it is lined, unline the cheap version that I once wore as a teenager. It’s disturbing what can poke thru the holey bits.
I guess that makes it quite handy for the breastfeeding mum. As for ‘down below’, are you referring to urine?
I hope you win!
I would GLADLY kill someone to go on a vacation; I would even take my family.
Them’s desperate words, faemom… Desperate words indeed…
Which ones? Gladly killing someone or threatening to take my family on a vacation?
Both. Still, they are desperate words I understand. It’s like you’re speaking my unspoken language…
That and the fact that the more money you spend on a holiday the more shit the kids think it is. We surprised the kids last Christmas with a holiday to Disneyland Paris. “Oh my god,” my friends said “you are the ultimate parents” and other such remarks that made me feel smug.
How wrong can you be? We made a four piece jigsaw with the message “Dear Flying Martinis, You are going to Disneyland! Love Santa”- each piece going to each member of the family. On Christmas morning my husband and I stood in the kitchen looking at each other in shock and disbelief as both my kids were in the living room sobbing, “I don’t want to go to Disneyland!”
Kids don’t like surprises- who knew? We’re still paying for the trip by the way.
I expect your kids wanted to have t-shirts made up that said “All I got for Christmas was a lousy four-piece jigsaw”.
I have voted for you!!! you so deserve to win
Thank you. I think what you’re saying here is what everyone’s thinking and that is “The NDM in a crocheted bikini? Bring. It. On.”
What a laugh! I hope you get to knock back those cocktails whilst swanning around in your bikini… minus the scabies. Ick!