I’m starting to think my doctor is a bit of a prick.
You see, he’s decided to follow up my three weeks without dairy with a week without alcohol. Yes, a whole week. It’s all because of these antibiotics he’s put me on.
“But not being able to drink alcohol while on antibiotics is one of those old wives’ tales like ‘if you step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back’!” I can hear some of you saying.
Well, for one thing, if you step on your mother’s bum crack, you probably will break her back. Just saying.
And for another, while most antibiotics mix quite nicely with alcohol, these antibiotics I’ve been put on do not. These are special antibiotics with the unfortunate name of ‘Flagyl’ – a name that, quite frankly, puts my mind on spin dry. Not only does it make me think of ‘self-flagellate’ (an act which curiously mirrors the concept of a week without wine), it also sounds like ‘flatulence’ – which, rather neatly, is one of the ailments the antibiotics are trying to cure me of. Plus ‘Flagyl’ is simply one of those words that sounds much ruder than it actually is, like ‘flange’, ‘cockney’ and ‘fuck knuckle’. But I digress.
The long and the short of it is this: I will vomit if I drink alcohol whilst on Flagyl. And no, that’s not ‘trough loads of mixed spirits’ (which will also make me vomit), it’s any alcohol, no matter how small the amount. Which makes me wonder what kind of antibiotic does that to a person? I mean, is Flagyl even an antibiotic at all? Or is it some kind of Clockwork Orange-type medical intervention staged by concerned friends and family to stop me drinking so much? And if that’s the case, you’d think an intervention would at least earn me a brief residential stay in some drying-out facility far far away from the laundry and washing up. I feel cheated.
Incidentally, my doctor also sent me off for further blood tests along with some explanation about “blah blah blah geo mutations blah blah”. If you’re wondering what the “blah blah” bits were, your guess is as good as mine because I was too busy wondering if having a geo mutation would mean I was going to be able to spring knives out of my fingers like Wolverine. That’d be way-cool – and also quite handy when it came to freeing Fisher Price toys from their packaging shackles and keeping Genghis Cat in line.
In any case, I’m consoling myself with the fact that at least I can eat dairy food again. My life without dairy was a grim one. I spent most of my days fantasising about a giant dish of cauliflower cheese covered with breadcrumbs that had been pan fried in butter and then tossed with more cheese and accompanied with a pint glass of whipped cream. Except now that I can eat all these things, I’m probably going to leave the cauliflower out because it only makes me fart and that would earn me another week on the Flagyl. Also, cauliflower is not dairy.
In the meantime, I’m hoping my Wolverine finger-knives are good and ready for my next doctor’s appointment. Apparently his next trick, if the Flagyl doesn’t work, is to put me on two weeks without gluten. And as one of my friends once said, “I don’t know what gluten is but I must really really like it because, quite frankly, food tastes crap without it.”
My doctor, in his defence, says that ‘exclusion diets’ are the new black. And he’s right. They are black – as in ‘black is the colour of my soul right now’.
*Sigh*
Flagyl and wine, you do not feel fine! I have been there and the consequences were…. not fresh.
Can’t you just live with the farts??
And I have told you already….. get a new doctor because I too suspect yours to be a prick.
xo
I can live with the farts but my lawyer can’t. (see ‘The Line’).
And, unfortunately, without going into too much details, we’re talking ‘Farts Plus’ here. Wait, did I just give too much detail?
There’s only one way to find out…do what George Best, the soccer player, did. He had some sort of thing implanted in him that made him sick if he drank alcohol. It did. I doubt your doctor has that sort of power.
I’d ask a few questions of your doctor. How old is he? Does he follow a faith that prohibits alcohol? Has he ever had to listen to 90s music sober?
These and other questions will show you that your doctor is most likely a novice Tibetan monk. By all means take his herbs and drugs, but add to that a fine wine list and a joie de vivre, and you’ll never want to listen to 90s music again either.
How helpful was this answer?
Since the man is now dead, I’d say George Best’s solution wasn’t necessarily the (George) Best Solution.
But you’re right. I need to uncover my doctor’s agenda here – and he obviously has some kind of agenda otherwise why would he continue being so cruel to me?
Your answer was incredibly helpful. Thanks, Gig.
At least you will be off the Flagyl in time for the school holidays when you can go from Abstemious August to Sozzled September…
Stone cold sober as I am, I still can’t get my head around a word like “Abstemious”. What are you trying to do to me, KC?
Don’t drink. But I do take Flagyl which I award the title – antibiotic of the decade. Sometimes I take it to ward off a case of the heebie jeebies.
Perhaps you don’t drink because you take Flagyl?
And unless you are part of Temperance Australia movement, I can’t see how Flagyl can win the “Antibiotic Of The Century” title. Sheesh.
Those FisherPrice boxes sure are a bitch … I’d like to sprout knives when faced with them … or better yet when faced with the packers. Wait til you get to Barbies (and Barbie style products) …. EVEN WORSE!!!! Hope you’re back on the alcohol by then!
I think I probably blogged this before but what do FisherPrice think those toys are… Hannibal Lecter???
Unfortunately, I have already been initiated into the world of Barbie. The Pixie got a Barbie Airliner for her birthday last year and we’re still unpacking the fucker.
I’m with Mrs Woog and KC.
If it helps, and I’d do lots for you, please send all your alcohol to me and I will look after it for you.
By which I mean drink it all.
Or, I could send you my family and you can torment then with your farts and show them what it’s like to live with them.
By which I mean “AND” I could send you my family …
I fail to see how any of this can help me except, maybe, by helping you I begin to help myself?
Nah…
“…..earn me a brief residential stay in some drying-out facility far far away from the laundry and washing up. I feel cheated.”
I’m right with you there. Last week I heard my sister-in-law had been admitted to hospital with severe back pain, and my first thought (albeit brief) was “Lucky her!” I’d like to see an NDM ranking of sleep deprivation severity with this experience as a No.5. aka the Vomit Scale.
Seeing hospitalisation due to severe back pain as a holiday is akin to me looking forward to oral surgery as a way of getting a break from the kids.
Someone should send us both to Dunk Island, Madame Zap.
(hint, hint).
Oh the empathy! I also, believe that quality of life is defined by how much dairy is being consumed at the time… And I remember when I was put on a dairy free, soy free diet by a chiropractor (?!) while breastfeeding my first. I wanted to die. There was nothing left to eat! For a ravenous breastfeeding mum this was nihilism.
And don’t we ALL hate the packaging on children’s toys… I have to carry a pair of scissors in the car in order to avoid that parent-rage that occurs when an overtired toddler (who has been bribed to keep shopping by the promise of a new toy) is screaming in the car whilst I’m madly ripping and tearing and trying to undo those twisty things or break sticky tape (impossible!) in order to sedate her with toys.
You let a chiropractor take you off dairy?? I hope you didn’t take any financial advice from him while you were at it.
My own doctor (same one) took me off dairy for six weeks – SIX WEEKS – when Tiddles McGee was a (very unsettled and completely non-sleeping) baby. I’m starting to think my doctor is part of some Anti-Dairy lobbying group.
Now you are back on dairy you can eat chocolate and cheese again, So celebrate with them until alcohol is allowed back in your life.
Too true. I have just poured myself another pint of whipped cream.
Hey, if you do have to do the gluten free thing (which I do all the time, being a Coeliac), take comfort from the following;
- There is no gluten in most dairy foods or any (non-fortified) wines.
- Gluten free is eating is SO hard to do well that it’ll make two weeks without dairy and a week without booze seem like warm-up rounds.
Actually, only the first of those statements is comforting. Whoops. Guess I’m a storm-crow today…
Aw, you Coeliacs are such jokers. Don’t tell me being a Coeliac is not like some kind of secret club where the food is great and the alcohol flows freely because I know that’s JUST what it’s like…. right?
Six weeks? That is heinous!!!
The chiropractor said DD’s liver was enlarged!?! Looking back I guess he was a quack. And enjoyed torturing new mothers. Soy was in EVERYTHING! I spent weeks exploring health food shops, looking for something edible… sadly it was like foraging for food in a cardboard factory.
Second time around now and I eat whatever I want, because I realised that no matter what you eat or don’t eat, how you hold them, sing to them, burp them or don’t burp them, how elevated their cot is, or how many times you ask them what’s wrong, they will STILL CRY for the first few months, non-stop for NO particular reason.
Every first time mum should be told that (repeatedly, until she finally believes it) in hospital.
Yep, my six weeks off dairy made not a jot of difference to amount that Tiddles cried in the evening. All it did was make me cry too.
My bride recently did a course of antibiotics which she wasn’t allowed to mix with alcohol. I tell you, life here was about as pleasant as plucking out a pubic mullet, hair by hair. Surely your ailment could be cured by an exclusive diet of Fried Mars Bars and vodka martinis, and stuff the antibiotics?…..
I’ll have to do my civic duty and finish my course of antibiotics (I’m not quitter), but I’ll make sure I move straight onto your new diet, Dr Fender. Mmmmm….. vodka martinis…
I feel your misery and meet you in the blackness – my doctor put me on abbocillin – an abberation or penicillin – that has eased the thumb tacks in my throad but has moved the shit into my head where it has completley blocked my right ear. Yep, permanent spin dry. I guess it is a side effect that could be seen as positive, given that I have two sick babies and a sick husband to listen to (the sick husband being the most painful). At least all I have to do is turn the other cheek…
Sleep with your good ear down and all will be well, I say.
But man, that sounds bad. Hope everyone (particularly your husband) is well soon.
DUDE – have you had the up-the-pooper-scooper yet?
My mum did exactly the same thing except she already doesn’t eat dairy which I think explains an AWFUL lot.
Anyways, after much exclusion and ah, two explorations (first one didn’t go far enough ‘up’) she was diagnosed with collagenous colitis.
Hello steroids. Sure, she says goodbye to sleep when she has ‘an episode’ but MAN, the productivity is mind-boggling.
What I’m saying is world domination could be imminent.
Collagenous Colitis? Does that mean she had collagen injected into her colon? I heard Cher had the same done.
Gluten free food doesn’t taste like crap, for the record. Well, not all of it. I don’t recommend buying gluten free bread, cos that stuff is shit.
I’ve heard, though, that if you add water to gluten-free bread and then let it dry, creates a substance stronger than any cement known to mankind.
I’m sure I once knew a girl called Flagyl..
Let me guess: she was a teetotaling bitch?
Don’t know what your original problem was – but I managed to get rid of a mega bout of eczema that wouldn’t go away with steroids, antibiotics, exclusion diets, inclusion of acidophillus blah blah for about 4 months…with Evening Primrose oil. Seems maybe I wasn’t eating enough green leafy things to get enough GLA. Cleared up within the week and hasn’t come back in 12 months (though the capsules cost me about $15 a month).
I always think that GLA is some kind of Libyan liberation movement. Still, it might be worth a try. Those Libyans know how to get things done.
A week without wine? Your doctor is indeed a prick, is he even qualified, anyone can forge those certificates you know.
I’d rather go without food, that’ll stop your farting. Or at the very least they wouldn’t smell of anything, well except wine.
I guess, too, that it would make my farts extra-inflammable! Hello, fire ball!
That is nasty shit that Flagyl, ohh yes you will vomit, errggghh I have been there. Will kill off any infection for 6 months at least. You poor thing. Would you be inclined to see a naturopath? Some can seem good on the diet thing catering for your symptoms. I have tried a few over the years in various efforts of trying to get fit and healthly…. got some ideas along the way!
So basically you’re saying ‘Flagyl’ is the napalm of antibiotics. I’m going to start listening to the Platoon soundtrack and hope for the best.
Flagyl is on my no go list unless you want me to break out in glorious flat grey/white ulcers on ALL my mucous membranes. Its one of the slightly more uncomfortable side effects – makes alcohol literally painful.
No ulcers so far – but after my ‘tongue virus’ of a few weeks ago, I’m not sure there’s much left for the Flagyl to work its ulcer-making magic on.
Ah, my old friend Flagyl. I’ve only ever been prescribed it by shonky doctors whilst I’ve been so sick with amoebic dystentery I would hallucinate and see men made from tinsel.
As I was in super ‘dry’ countries all 3 times (India, Pakistan & Bangladesh) I’m pretty sure I wasn’t on the sauce, but I most certainly kept side effects at bay with other stuff that is plentiful round those parts.
On a serious note, you need to swamp your body with good probiotics – the strong powdered stuff, Yakult et al just won’t cut it.
Do you mean “strong powdered stuff” like cocaine?
Ah, no, that would be South America (but sadly I never had amoebic dysentery there, only a burst appendix whilst canoeing down the amazon – and all the Flagyl in the world wasn’t going to fix that!)
I feel your pain but let’s call a Camembert a Camembert – life without cheese in all its gooey variations would be hell on wheels whereas now I think of it I could probably do without alcohol – well for a week anyway!!
Oh no, I feel your pain. I hope it’s all sorted soon!!