Imagine being one of the Chilean miners still waiting to be rescued from the mine and getting a message from one of the guys who’d been already rescued saying “Enjoy yourself down there while you can! Above ground is sooooo overrated and there’s nothing on TV tonight, anyway.”
Well, that’s how a little how it felt when I was wrangling a wailing newborn and a shouty toddler at the supermarket and some random stranger would pat me on the arm and say “Enjoy the baby years, love. They go past in a flash!”
(It should be noted that generally, the kind of people who offered such advice, would have just spent their life savings on a Winnebago so they could enjoy their grandchildren at a healthy 400km+ distance. Whatevs.)
Still, here I am, actually standing on the other side of that long dark tunnel called “The Baby Years”. The moment Tiddles McGee turned three, it was like someone handed me a large martini and said “Enjoy yourself.” Well, it was more like “Enjoy yourself a little more than you have been enjoying yourself”. There’s still the early mornings and the washing and the cooking and the laundry and the dishes and the picking up of toys and the perpetually unsolved mystery of the odd socks – but everybody can wipe their own bums now and (mostly) sleep through the night, even if they often do so a mere 1cm from my face, holding onto my ears. (That’s my Tiddles McGee for you).
And now it feels like I was never in that ‘dark place’. That place where days lasted years and I thought I might never wear an item of clothing that wasn’t either stained with hindmilk or had an elastic waistband that came up to my armpits. That place where the idea of ever being able to walk across a room without a small child clinging to my leg seemed impossible and where three hours of unbroken sleep was the greatest gift I could ever be given and would make me weep openly with gratitude.
But it was also a place where gummy smiles were my bestest reward and my days were punctuated by unbridled laughter and the kind of joy that banging an empty plastic bottle on a table can give a little person. A place where small arms automatically reached out to me the minute I walked into view because, to my children, I shone brighter than the sun and they were only truly happy when they were safe in my arms.
So yes, random strangers at the supermarket, you were right. Those baby years really did pass by in a flash. And I do wish I had stopped and enjoyed them a little more — and not least because I can see a flashing sign coming up in the distance saying “WARNING: TEENAGE YEARS AHEAD”…
Oh, shit.
_________________________________________ 
Today, I have the great pleasure of giving away a copy (or two) of ‘Cocktails At Naptime‘, by Gillian Martin and Emma Kaufmann. Described as “a woefully inept guide to the early years of motherhood”, it also boasts itself as being the only parenting guide that doesn’t offer any actual advice.
To have a chance at winning a copy, please leave a comment below describing the most useless or annoying advice to a new parent that you’ve ever heard. The winner will be drawn randomly on Friday 22nd October at 2pm AEST (or thereabouts).
“sleep when they sleep”. Right. Like that is even possible. It’s in those moments when they are asleep that we need to do everything around the house like clean, laundry, cook, bathe, etc to avoid becoming a noted, permanent entry in the Annals of Worst Mother/Wife/Homemaker in History (in our own minds). Terrible advice, I think.
I got that advice, too. The fact that Baby Justice only slept in 15 minute blocks during the day made that a little difficult. It takes me at least 15 minutes to get my pillow just how I like it.
I am, at present, trying to savour those baby days while scrounging around to save the remnants of my sanity that the 4 year old has hidden somewhere.
Some annoying, completely unsolicited advice from a complete stranger (and mother of a preschoolder), as I breastfed my newborn at an AMF bowling party (read: chaotic and very loud), “Babies have very sensitive ears, you know.” “Yes, I know. But i guess they have to get used to it at some stage.” “Well, I don’t know….”. Had I not been feeding, I think I would’ve swiped her one.
I’m surprised you didn’t use her head as a bowling ball…
Awww, I got a little misty-eyed at this. I’ve been up since before 5am and I’m desperately tired but I know how very much I’ll miss this stage.
I was recently told “it just gets harder”, which may be true but wasn’t especially helpful.
But I still remember one odd shopping aisle conversation with a stranger about why my almost 11 month old was still toothless.
“Are you breastfeeding?”, “Yes”, “Oh, well that’s why then.”
p.s. Loving your blog.
Now that is just gold!
If only that were true. My own children treated my breasts like they were corn-on-the cob…
I think the worst piece of what i consider to be advice i was ever given was “those first few months with a baby are wonderful! Such a joy and you will just love every minute of it”… When I was sitting there with a screaming baby in a darkened room for the third straight hour on a Saturday night, I thought I was the only mother EVER to imagine a large red target on the wall, with me ready to chuckl my baby at it. Well, it was either the target or out the window, and I felt the flyscreen may inhibit her projectory too much. People need to tell new mums it is crap and will continue to be for a long long time. There is still something about a baby that allows you to wake up with somewhat of a smile each day, as if the previous night never existed, still, tell it like it is people!
Amen to that! I wish more people would be honest and “TELL IT LIKE IT IS” instead of trying to make you feel guilty for it!
I think advice like “You’ll love every minute of it” is usually offered by people who didn’t love every minute of it but are trying to pump it up to make themselves feel better for the minutes they actually hated it.
Is there a mum alive who hasn’t wanted to attack a random stranger for some completely useless and unwanted advice? Thought not.
Indeed. The urge to slap someone (I call it “maternal instinct”) usually starts in the hospital with some dimwitted midwife and then continues on from there, almost on a daily basis.
Hmmm, most useless, and worst, incorrect piece of advice… You can’t get pregnant again while breastfeeding!
While still in hospital after the delivery of baby #3, I was advised to take the mini-pill while exclusively breastfeeding to stop myself from getting pregnant. I thought that was incredibly useless advice since, with three children under 5, the chances of me even wanting to have sex in the next six months (let alone doing it) was fairly slim.
I asked my doctor how many times a day my toddler could vomit when she didn’t get what she wanted. I was concerned it may have a detrimental effect on her health before she learnt that Mummy won’t be played like that! Our house was tiled so I was happy to ignore it and just keep mopping. He gave me a horrified look and said, “I don’t think children can be vindictive like that”. I burst out laughing, assuming he was joking, and blurted “You don’t have kids hey.” He looked at me with a blank face. Apparently not even a medical degree gives you a heads-up on parenting.
Nothing gives you the heads-up on parenting. Not even parenting gives you a heads-up. Every day brings its own challenges…
Lovely post NDM. I’ve actually started feeling nostalgic for babies- which probably means the menopause it right around the corner and my hormones are going apeshit.
Something to look forward to, eh?
Remember, they are not hot flashes, but rather ‘power surges’ and should be used at appropriate times to invoke fear amongst your children, or colleagues.
Ha! Great question.
My favorite piece is inane advice?
“Take up a hobby, like knitting, to have something to do when you’re off work on mat leave” ????? Seriously? My day felt complete if I managed to take a shower, much less learn to knit-one-purl-two.
Haha! Yes, I was going to do sooo many things once I was a “lady of leisure” with a baby. I’m surprised my friends who already had kids were so polite to me – I had no idea.
so true!! I actually started studying towards my degree and handed in my first assignment while in labour. After that I had to put it on hold because I couldn’t stay awake long enough to read a paragraph of my textbook.
The only thing I would have been tempted to knit was a gag for the giver of such advice…
OMG Yes! That’s a good one.
It is hard to imagine before you have the baby that you won’t actually have time or energy to do anything besides care for it.
Lovely post, NDM.
A recently reported conversation has recently seen me loudly defending a mother of an 8-month-old whom I’ve never even met. The conversation was had by her husband, a jet-setting executive, and a friend of mine (let’s call her MIL) who was sitting next to him on a long-haul flight. He was complaining about the fact that his wife always brought the baby to their bed. MIL reported to me how much she thoroughly agreed with him. Babies should never sleep in their parents’ beds! she declared (it wasn’t the first time I’d heard her make this pronouncement, btw). When I pointed out that the poor woman was probably desperate to get some sleep and if he really hated it so much why didn’t he offer to look after the baby at night, she said “but he works hard during the day”. I do believe there was some steam coming out of my ears when I pointed out that I’ve never met a mother of an 8-month-old who didn’t work her butt off during the day, whether she was working at home with her baby/ies or in paid employment for 8 hours of said day. I could have said so much more, like for example how the idea that stay-at-home-mothers don’t need as much sleep as their highly-paid partners is hogwash, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I left it at that.
Anyway, this is all peripheral to the advice that MIL reportedly gave to the gentleman on the plane, which, again, I’d heard before: make sure you burp the baby and s/he will sleep soundly all the night. Apart from the thought that this was an 8-month old and burping was unlikely to be of much help, it brought back memories of those dark moments when, having done an umpteenth breastfeed at 3am and duly burped the baby, I brought him exhaustedly into bed, praying that it would stop him from crying and he would sleep just a precious few hours.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Mr Jet-set tells his wife that he got this great advice that was going to solve all their baby-in-the-bed problems from a stranger he met on the plane!
I think Mr Jet-set would be on all-night burping duty after dropping that clanger!
Most annoying piece of advice – “breastfeeding will ensure the weight falls off”…hmm too bad I didn’t know that I wouldn’g be able to breastfeed – perhaps if I had I wouldn’t had those jaffa muffins, cinnamon toast etc on drip feed for nine months…
CB even when you can breastfeed the weight doesn’t fall off. It’s an evil expectation. With my first baby I put on weight!!!!
Me, too. I breastfeed all three children past the 12 month mark and never lost a kilo. I think the only way you’d possibly lose weight by breastfeeding is because you’re stuck in the feeding chair and can’t get to the chocolate in the fridge.
The delightful physio who said to me after I had my second child, try not to carry her around too much as it will hurt your back. 21 month old and newborn….. um ok!
I was given similar advice after I’d had my second baby. I was told I wasn’t allowed to lift anything more than a teacup – since The Pixie was born weighing 4.9kg, I expect she meant one of those teacups that you spin around in at Disneyland.
yowsers! 4.9!
Crikey. Did she leave by the traditional exit?!
There is something, i feel, to be said for judicious smoking during pregnancy.
I don’t know if it was the worst advice per say, but maybe the most unhelpful advice…
My 2yo was having a major meltdown in Franklins and instead of paying her any attention (see because I enjoy grocery shopping, it’s the only spending I get to do), I would just carry on and call out to her when I reached the end of the aisle. She’d then run screaming, flapping her arms, round the corner and promptly throw herself on the floor so I could hear her wailing for another few minutes.
I had a women of about 50 – ish with two gobsmacked teens not far behind me pushing her shopping along come up to me after the 4th aisle and tell me alls I needed to do was give (my 2yo) a bloody good smack on the arse.
I have no aversion to a smack on the bum on rare occasions for severe circumstances but when they’re already screaming and fairly distraught? Yes, I’m sure a “bloody good smack on the arse” will stop her screaming like the world is ending.
I felt for the woman, she had to listen to her too but FFS, she has two kids, surely her mental zoning technique was in there somewhere?
I would have said “It’s okay. Another lady in aisle 3 suggested we hold a public stoning for my child near the dairy section. See you there!”
Omg I wish I’d had that response to hand the many times I was given that suggestion (most often in the form of a look of abject outrage of the type I might save for someone sawing the wings off a bumble bee rather than a child wailing their way round a supermarket).
I always knew we should have hung out together much more when I was living in the UK. Imagine how empowered we both would have felt, like, all of the time??
Some useless bits of advice I got started before the kid was even out of mah belly w/ my stepmother ringing labour floor and asking the midwives to pass a message on to me to ‘remember to breathe’. The midwife did pass it on with a rather confused look on her face and as Chef said, ‘what the fuck, if you did forget you’d be dead. What an idiot.’
Indeed.
Oh, c’mon Kim. Without her wise words, you would have totally forgotten. (*pause for dramatic effect*) You owe her your life…
Ignore me for the giveaway as I have read and enjoyed…
BUT
Wanted to share my supermarket line story.
I’m standing in line at the check-out wailing to my friend about having been up two, three times a night for about five years FIVE YEARS and that sleep deprivation has become just plain DEPRIVATION and I’m really going nuts because I’m just so bloody tired and just so bloody over my tortorous children when I felt a tap on my arm.
I turn around.
“Have you tried hot milk?” the biddy behind me asked.
I only stabbed her 37 times. My friend stopped me then.
x
Only 37 times? You are the very definition of self-restraint.
PS – I’m doing an upcoming post on the hot milk saga, so if you get dejavu, you’ll know why.
Luckily, I have the short-term memory of a gold fish. This is one example of where it will serve me well.
I could write a book on bad advice… but the the worst was to ‘harden up’ your nipples with a scrubbing brush so they wouldn’t hurt when breastfeeding. In what way are the stiff bristles of a scrubbing brush in anyway like the insides of a baby’s mouth???? Sure breastfeeding wasn’t fun for a couple of days, but I reckon that it would win hands down over months of ‘conditioning’ one’s sensitive bits with a scrubbing brush. Sheesh.
On the other hand I wish someone could have given me some advice on how to stop my daughter from eating any product of a creamy consistency in my house. If I had a dollar for every time Miss Lil has ingested sorbolene, sunscreen, pawpaw ointment or lanolin I’d have a pretty penny… when I came home from hospital with my son Miss Lil (at 3) was waiting for me shamefaced; ‘sorry mummy, i ate your booby cream’ – she’d eaten a 100ml tube of lansinoh. There were bite marks where she’d bitten to get every last morsel from the tube. Oh my.
I got the same unhelpful nipple advice from a male obstetrictian. stupid git.
The reply to that kind of advice is “Shall we try that on yours first?”
It had to be a male writing that book too. No female in her right mind would have written something like that!
Fantastic. I like a good sorbolene-ingestion story. I also like the fact that she *knew* it was your “booby cream” and not, say, a tube of sweetened condensed milk – which, incidentally, I used to call “mother’s milk” when I was a teenager and thus old enough to know how wrong that sounded.
Lovely post, NDM!
I think the worst advice I ever got was from the anti-cosleeping brigade. Comments such as “creating a rod for my own back” (wtf?) and “you’ll spoil that baby and there’ll be no dealing with him/her” and “your milk will go off if you let baby snack all night” (triple wtf for that gem) didn’t faze me in the slightest.
Let’s face it. I’m the laziest person on the planet and sleep is my goddess. I’m also totally paranoid and like to feel my babies snuggled up against me, as is done in 99% of the “non-civilized world”. So if I choose to let my precious little babies continue to cuddle me all night long, feed when they’re hungry and (most importantly) allow myself the maximum possible potential for sleep, then all I say to the nay-sayers is this – “BITE ME”.
Oh – and any suggestions on how to get a 6 year old to sleep in her own bed would be most welcome…
STxxx
I’ve got two – 18 years old and 10 years old and both of them slept with me for most/all of every night until they were about 7. At that age, they just seemed to wander off on their own. My logic was that they got to be big enough that it was uncomfortable for us both to be wriggling around all night (we’re all restless sleepers in my house) and they would rather have an entire bed to themselves.
So, take heart. I’m still trying to get my 10-year-old to wear clothes in the house, but if I can’t convince her, I’m sure peer pressure will.
To be fair, I don’t really mind her there at all. She does kick a reasonable amount, but the main reason she’s still sleeping with me is because I encourage her too! She’s my last baby, so am just making the most of the little-person cuddles!
I remember a family friend remarking we were spoiling my daughter by holding her. I think she was of the Truby King-school of parenting where you needed to leave your child unattended outside and at the mercy of wild beasts.
There are so many…..
From every Lactation specialist…..”if it hurts your nipples you are not doing it properly”. Seriously, it is the first time I have had someone suck on my nipples for what seemed like all day every day. Surely with that kind of action its going to hurt, attached correctly or not!!!
My advice for responding to such advice? Give them a ‘chinese burn’ and say “If it hurts, you must be giving me the wrong advice, you arse clown.”
Haha.
I’m torn between two.
1) A doctor, upon assessing my 4-year-old, who said to me (and I quote in his EXACT WORDS):
“If he vomits like a hundred times, then bring him back.”
Me: “One hundred times?”
Him: “Yep.”
Me: “Thanks.”
2) My mother-in-law, who, upon us announcing that I was pregnant with baby number two, took me for a nice walk on the beach to say “It really is terrible, you know. I certainly wouldn’t advise having two so close together.”
To this day, I’m not sure if she was nudging me towards the abortion clinic or just trying to prep me.
Either way: WRONG.
1. Was that a hundred times in a day or a life time? Doctors should make themselves clearer.
2. What incredibly unhelpful advice. I hope she hasn’t told to your second child that she thought he/she was a big mistake.
Oneof myfaves- an eldery work colleague remarking on the end stage of pregnancy in summer, ‘ that’s bad planning, its too late to do anything about it now’. I heard the Psycho music and only just managed to refrain fromy making the stabbing gestures.
Yes, because we really have a lot of control over these things, don’t we?
Honestly, she deserved the stabbing gestures. You should have gone all out.
One of my friends had a book that warned new parents not to be tempted to try to eat the reconstituted sultanas found in your child’s nappy! Now that’s sound advice.
Woah. I really wish I’d read that before I’d had kids. All those late nights vomiting up the reconstituted sultanas that I’d snacked so happily on…
Item 1/ You so lucky having a girl. Girls entertain themselves – they require not a lot of effort. Try having a boy it is sooo much harder then you’ll know what parenting is.
Item 2/ I can’t believe you are not breastfeeding longer – that is how children become autistic.
Item 3/ You can not feed your now eating solids baby any herb, flavour, spice, or mix the vegies/fruit together as that is how children grow up to be adults with IBS or food allergies.
These items came from a now ex sister in law – she is ex for many, many reasons – one being I wanted to smack her for the first two years of my daughters life!
It should be noted that little girls grow into teenage girls. And I think anyone who has ever been or met a teenage girl knows what fresh hell that is.
Glad to hear she’s now an ex-sister-in-law and you’re not in jail for physically assaulting her.
http://mutteringsofamother.blogspot.com/
Every time my grandmother is over and I am trying to settle an overtired baby for a nap, she offers the sage advice ‘keep her awake, she’ll sleep tonight then.’ Yeah, right. Like that works. And are you offering to hold a screaming baby while the rest of us eat dinner, Grandma? No, thought not.
Since my eldest son managed to sleep neither during the day NOR at night, I would have welcomed your grandmother’s advice by running from the room screaming before I hurt myself or others.
My favorite was not just weird advice, but mixed in with rudeness AND racism. It was like a bit of a buffet!
My younger sister and I were in the parking lot of a supermarket on an 95-degree August day in Chicago (that’s 35 degrees Celsius). Her son was perhaps four days old, and she had him wrapped loosely in a blanket because the poor baby was sweating buckets in the heat and humidity.
As we walked toward the car, two little old ladies looked at us, clucked their tongues and said to each other in Spanish “That baby should be wearing more clothes, or at least a hat. He’ll die of the cold! Some people just don’t know how to raise children”
My sister and I burst out laughing, half because I’ve never heard of someone dying of cold in that kind of weather, and partly because those two old ladies seemed to just assume that we wouldn’t understand their Spanish.
My elderly neighbour was always helpfully remarking on the lack of clothing my son was wearing in the Australian summer. For example, she thought he should be napping with a woolen hat and a thick blanket. I remember wanting to slip a SIDS brochure under her door.
“I remember wanting to slip a SIDS brochure under her door.”
Why didn’t you??
Because she was Macedonian and couldn’t read English.
But I did try and explain the risks of SIDS associated with over-dressing and overheating. She just handed me a shot glass of home made grappa.
When Tricky was a day old I asked the midwife how long I should feed him for. She assured me that he had to stay on each side for at least an hour… now I’d like to say in my defense that I hadn’t slept for quite a few days before the birth so it didn’t set any alarm bells off for me when told a baby should suckle at a breast WITH NO MILK in it yet for such a long time. The thing that made me realize it was a dumb suggestion? A massive blood blister right on my nip. Sorry, hope you weren’t eating.
That happened to me, too. The midwife came in, put Mr Justice on the breast and then came back an hour later all grumpy with me because he wasn’t still feeding. Camomile lotion became my friend after that…
Not exactly parenting advice, but more of a ‘working at home while parenting a newborn’ strategy. When my daughter was about a month old, my ex asked me why I couldn’t think of marketing strategies to promote our company while I was breastfeeding our firstborn. It was all I could do not to smack him in the head with a book that stated when breastfeeding, the mother must think about the baby to ensure a good milk flow. I just can’t seem to get over this one. My girl is 10 now and it still infuriates me.
It’s the kind of thing that someone who has never had to stay home all day with a newborn can say… I would have suggested he take your baby to work for an hour and see how much work he got done!
I have a four year old, a three year old and a four month old. Our eldest has downs syndrome. People coming up to me saying that “they’re all so loving and affectionate” was just what i needed to deal with the incessant tantrums and fights. I know people just want to be nice and encouraging about him which helps me not hit them or suggest they come and babysit for a day.
It’s like parents who want to make you feel better about your special needs child by saying, “oh it’s ok, they all do that”
Very annoying.
(http://wp.me/pYdj2-ay that’s about my special boy)
Good intentions don’t make it any easier to swallow!
Oh, ps – I live too far away for you to bother entering me in the giveaway, i just like moaning! X
Nah, you’re in the draw. Of course you’re in the draw!
“Don’t cough on the baby”.
A midwife in hospital said this to me with my second daughter. Normally I’d be totally cool with this advice. BUT
- I had bronchitis.
-I had a catheter in and minimal body movement as I’d just had my abdomen sliced open and a baby pulled out.
- Oh, and I was breastfeeding.
I was trying to cough upwards and away from the baby, but my options were a bit limited……
(And this isn’t bad advice, just annoying given the circumstances)
There’s nothing like taking the extenuating circumstances into account before offering the advice…
LOVE the post.
My least helpful advice was, “parenting is natural – just follow your instincts”… Well, sorry, but when you’re almost psychotic with tiredness all your “natural instinct” goes out the window. If you’ve never been a parent before, let alone HELD a newborn (before holding your own) how the bloody hell do you know what is your natural parenting instinct or just your overwhelmed and exhausted brain just saying ‘give me a f***ing break’.
Sound advice, beaut sound advice… *facial twitch*
You are so right. It’s like telling someone waaaayyyy over the legal limit to use their ‘instincts’ on whether they should drive home or not.
Mine was at a 40th birthday party a day before my son was due – he was born a week later. This woman, who I vaguely know, came up to me and declared that giving birth was like a car crash. She repeated this helpful piece of advice several times, just in case I hadn’t heard. I haven’t been in a car crash but I seriously doubt that you can compare it with giving birth – for one thing surely a car crash is quick whereas giving birth …
I don’t know…for the first two weeks post-birth it sure as hell felt like an 18 wheeler had slammed into my vagina doing about 130mph.
Was the woman drunk? Even if her experience of childbirth *was* like a car crash, why share that with a heavily pregnant woman?
On another note, I went to a 40th in my third trimester with my first child and someone tried to crack onto me. Sadly it hasn’t happened since.
The Panadol Advert: “you’ll always remember their first fever” or words to that effect… How about the first time they crack their head open falling out of bed in the middle of the night onto a wooden jewellery box & you spend 3 hrs in hospital emergancy waiting area vying for medical attention with your bleeding concussed 4 yr old, while every druggie/drunk having a hard end to a Friday night pours in & gets to jump the emergancy queue with their bleeding/ vomitting/ psycotic episode. After 3 1/2hrs & still no Dr & you figure out your GP starts work in an hour so you decide to leave, except your daughter starts screaming hysterically that you are starving her (she ate dinner & two serves of dessert but on account of the concussion can’t remember it)… Or, a far more distressing gut wrenching memory was when we discovered (the hard way) that she was anaphylactic to peanut butter. THE FIRST FEVER IS FREAKIN’ NOTHING!
You raise a fair point. And you know what? I haven’t experienced even a fraction of what you’ve just described and I *still* don’t remember any of my children’s “first fever”.
Yeah….that would be when I took my 2nd born, who must have been 6 – 8 months, to the local early childhood health clinic for a “check” (I must point out that this was the last time I walked in the door of such an establishment, and blissfully they are unaware that there is a 3rd child in our family).
*Anyway*……after asking me a series of questions about the wellbeing of my baby, I began to suspect the health nurse was just trying to….you know…..catch me out. But this was my second baby, so I knew what I was doing (well as much as I was ever going to). Question followed question. My replies were exemplary. Until eventually,
“And are you giving (baby) water to drink with his meals?”.
“Yes,” I replied, smugly and honestly.
“You shouldn’t give them water with meals” she snapped back, super smugly. “Otherwise they will fill up on water rather than their meal”.
And she had the gall to tell me this having just weighed and measured my baby, marking him down as the 97th centile for both weight and height. So *clearly* he was just filling up on water…..
And to this day – maybe you should call DOCS- but I STILL give my children water with their meals.
All I can say is Errrggggghhhhh (and maybe Fuckenuckenuckenuckkkkk).
I have my own Maternal & Child Nurse story to share. I once had to take Tiddles (child #3) in for his jabs and for the Pixie’s 3.5 year review and the only appointment I could get was straight after school @ 4pm – you know, at “shit o’clock”.
So there I was, juggling my three children beautifully and, even though they were tired and hungry, nothing was broken, nobody shouted or screamed or cried (not even me).
As I was packing everyone up in the waiting room for the long walk home *after* my appointment, I said to Mr Justice “Can you put your hat on, please?”
It was at this point that the maternal nurse appeared out of nowhere and, putting her hand patronisingly on my arm, said “A word of advice: Don’t ask them so many questions. Just say ‘Put your hat on, [Mr Justice]. We’re going home.”
I really could have smacked her one right then and there.
I almost just smacked my husband, so strong was the urge the smack after reading that post. Quite frankly, I don’t know how you restrained yourself!
Hope you’re enjoy mommy-hood!
Enjoying is one word for it, along with ‘enduring’, ‘rising to the challenge of…’ and ‘drinking a lot to cope with…’
When my little one was a mere 2 months old, she started to fuss right before dinner. I was told, “Leave her be and let her cry or she’ll never learn that she needs to be good while you eat.” Of course, I went to get her and poor baby had a soiled diaper!
WTF?
Yes, two-month-olds tend to be manipulative and naughty and need to be taught “real good”.
Ah, yes. I remember those days well. I do believe it was a good three to five years before I ever got to enjoy a meal while it was still hot off the stove because I was so busy serving everyone else and cutting up food into little bite-size pieces so the little ones wouldn’t choke before I ever got to sit down and eat my own dinner. I distinctly remember crying and saying, “Just once, I would like to be the first one to sit down and eat while the supper is still hot!” (You just have to let it out sometimes, what can I say?)
I also remember one time giving my kids cake and ice cream for breakfast because we were running late to school and I had forgotten to go to the grocery store the night before and pick up some milk. I told them they were still getting two of the food groups–bread and dairy! They loved it!
And those people that warn you about the teenage years, they’re absolutely right! You’re right to be concerned, frightened even. Glad mine are almost over. They’re turning out to be fine young pre-adults and I guess that makes it all worth it!
Good luck to you, and hang in there. You’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel before you know it. And you’ll look back and wonder how you ever made it through.
I’m still at the “never getting to sit down to a hot meal” stage.
It sometimes feels like one of those toys where you hit one thing down with a hammer only for another one to pop up. Every time my bottom hits the chair, a child pipes up “I’m thirsty!” or spills their water or discovers their life is not going to be complete without “red sauce”.
Good to know, too, that there is life on the other side of the teenage years.
Brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful post!
Thank you…
Amazing description of this dilemma that we all have as parents of mini humans. We know it’s going to go too quickly, everyone tells us that, but as you are cleaning up another yogurt that has been dumped on the 18-month old’s head as the 6, 4, and 3YO go top turnbuckle onto one another from the back of the recliner, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact.
As for useless advice, Anyone saying, “Ah, he can’t hurt anything,” just before your kid snaps the mirror off of Anyone’s vehicle by hanging on it is a bit annoying. And costly.
Awesome post. Love the voice, humor, and reality. Congrats on being Pressed.
Chase McFadden
http://SomeSpeciesEatTheirYoung.com
Thanks, Chase.
I know what you mean about the “Aw, he can’t hurt anything” line. I used to think I should rent my children out to people trying to childproof their homes. They had this knack of hunting out – and finding – any breakable, precious, dangerous items not quite out of reach.
I adore this post. Adore, adore, adore. I always felt that way, that I would spend the rest of my life either nursing (I not one ounce of weight lost) or listening to which of my three children could achieve decibel levels that shattered even the neighbor’s windows, or perpetually stepping on Legos with my bare feet. And then shockingly, one day there was nobody at home. My kids are now 35, 34 and 30. And I know for a fact that when I stare at them and they say, “Mom! Stop staring at me!” they have no clue what is going through my mind.
30? That seems another lifetime away… indeed, it feels another lifetime ago.
Thanks for dropping by. I can’t believe you were the first person to mention Lego, the bane of every parent’s existence. The pain! THE PAIN!
I would have to say attempting to “Ferberize” or let my child “cry it out” in her crib was the worst advice I was ever given. Perhaps this method only works for parents who are hearing impaired or have a heart of stone. Apparently Dr. Ferber has recently changed his tune and said this method may not be best for babies who nurse. Perhaps that information would have been more useful before my tits turned to stone and I lost a few decimals of hearing from attempting to “Ferberize” my own child while she was still nursing. I learned not to read anything and go with my innate, unpublished mothering instincts.
Up until now I thought ‘ferberizing’ was some kind of weird armpit-fetish-related practice. I’m glad you set me straight.
Round our way most people with young children are teenagers themselves. Goddamm pikeys!
I find parenting advice from “experts” a bit like listening to a Saturday evening drunkard. It’s unwanted and tends to be a load of old rubbish. Children are individuals and there is no-one better placed to determine what’s best for their child than the parent, providing they’ve finished school and have half a brain. Actually that rules out about half of them, then. My feeling is that, if parenting is much better than it was 30 years ago, why aren’t children/ teenagers better adapted and well-mannered. I haven’t seen too many of them lately. Perhaps I mix with the wrong sort. I don’t profess to be an expert but most young adults, these days seem to be having a great time superficially but the ones I actually know seem neurotic and have little self-respect. Again, perhaps it’s the people I mix with.
Are you hanging out at a lot of ‘blue light discos’ by any chance? Do you even have blue light discos in the UK?
They’re all the rage here in Australia – at least 25 years ago they were. They’re basically alcohol-free events for teenagers run by the local police (thus the blue light. At least that’s why I think they’re called blue light discos – and not because they put that annoying blue lighting they have on public transport to stop junkies from being able to see their veins properly… do you even have public transport in the UK?).
As a fairly new mom, I would have to say that the most worthless,and in fact most often used piece of advice here in the south is “Oh, they’ll grow out of that.”
That is the answer all for everything when you have a question. My two and a half year old isnt a time line. I am fully aware that she will not be sucking her thumb at seventeen, and I know she will be potty trained when she graduates. However, it seems when you are buried in the depths of dirty diapers the mountain peak of potty prowess seems like a summit hike that rivals that of Mt Everest. ” Oh, but they’ll grow out of it”.
And so they do, and life triumphs on to bigger challenges. Like the time my daughter came charging in to the study where my husband was. He was in his pajamas, arranging his collectibles. She runs up to him and grabs his…*ehem… and says ” Daddy you need to go change your shorts. You have a BIIIIIGGGG Doo Doo”.
Ouch!
Tugging on anyone’s private bits is known as “the squirrel grip” and should be discouraged. I should know. It was my “seduction” technique for many years in my 20s and never got me anywhere.
WORST ADVICE:
Scenario … looking for new PJs for the hospital post-deliver.
I thought I was with my best counsel … my mom who bore 4 children of her own.
I picked out a very dainty pair of sweatpants with little white eyelets around the ankle band.
YES, WHITE!
Why didn’t anyone tell me (especially my mom) that white isn’t a good idea for at least a week!!!
White sweatpants? Dear lord! Those things should be outlawed in principle. I have trouble enough dealing with the phenomenon of white underpants… (see: http://notdrowning.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/the-silent-red-ninja/).
Ahh, the memories that brings back of motherhood, and now even grandmotherhood, in the early days. Nicely written. Thanks for the fond memories – and I can say fond only through the haze of distance! Hang in there and, of course, enjoy it now as it’ll be gone in a flash!!
Thank you. However, if you were standing next to me right now saying that, I’d be forced to tickle-torture you.
Beautifully written! Now I come to think of it yes those long tedious years do end in a fashion like those miners sticking their heads out into the light like moles after the dark years. Glad you enjoyed the book too darling
I loved the book. It is the kind of book I really wish I’d had to read when I was stuck in midst of it all – although I probably wouldn’t have laughed as heartily as I have reading it now.
I have to say that my husband and I give out the most annoying advice to parents of newborns, but it’s TRUE.
“You will never die from lack of sleep. (Dramatic Pause.) You may think you are going to die, and indeed you may wish to die, but you’ll get through it”.
I’m really surprised someone hasn’t smacked us really hard!
The advice is certainly true but I think that – to minimise the chances of you being grievously harmed by new parents – you should offer it *before* the baby is born and not after.
And the worst piece of advice I was ever given – by the effing lactation nurse after the birth of my third, when as usual, I wasn’t able to breastfeed. Apparently it was all my fault an just a matter of perseverance.
The advice was to breast feed on each side for 20 minutes per hour (40 minutes total) then pump for 20 minutes. Now, if I’m right, that would make 60 minutes, and I was supposed to do this every hour. Hard enough in and of itself, but what was supposed to happen to my other two children?
I think the advice would be to learn to cook meals, dress children, make playdough animals (etc etc) with your feet.
Drink while your baby sleeps. Great advice you lush.
It certainly makes more sense than the advice to sleep when your baby sleeps!
The most irritating parenting advice I ever got was to listen to my own judgment & not other people’s opinions. The only reason this advice was annoying is because it turned out to be hypocritical. The woman who suggested this was the same one who later judged my parenting at every turn.
Still, it’s been a great reminder to me that we can be prone to judgment & giving unsolicited advice EVEN WHEN we have good intentions.
Thanks for the thought provoking question!
Cheers,
Mika
http://mikafry.wordpress.com
Mikafry, you are totally right about this. I’m full of well-intentioned advice and I have to keep myself in check around new parents unless directly asked for my opinion (I’m not always successful, of course. Sometimes the advice just comes gushing out, like so much sewerage.).
My favourite piece of advice:
“if he has a fever just rub him down with some methylated spirits”
I am not kidding. The same person, upon seeing my son’s flaking excema said “why don’t you scrub it with some hot water and soap?”
Methylated spirits on a fever? Doesn’t that present some kind of serious fire risk? Sheesh.
Love this post–and just said the other day–And i thought the baby years were the hard ones. THey were and a 6 and 9 year old are a different sort of hard, and easy like. The phases just keep changing and I wouldn’t go back if someone paid me!
I always say that it gets easier and harder in turns. But there’s something about those early years which is so all-consuming…
The most useless piece of advice I got was person after person telling me I should take up a hobby once the baby was born. “Then you can do it while she naps” they would say.
So should I spend my sparce freetime getting more sleep like the parenting magazines say I should? Or for once eating something more then Girl Scout cookies and Diet Pepsi like my lactation consultant says I should? Or excercise like my doctor says I should? Or attempt to make the house look less like a tornado just went through it like my husband says I should? Or lay on the couch like a blob enjoying a rerun of 30Rock like I really want to? (Pick one, because I don’t have time for multiples.) No, apparently I should be scrapbooking or learning how to knit.
Whatever.
30Rock on the couch wins every time. EVERY TIME.
I’m happy to write you some kind of doctor’s note for you stating as much – even though I’m not really a doctor. But your husband, lactation consultant, doctor and parenting magazines don’t need to know that.
I already have a copy but I will say that one piece of advice I got ad nauseum, just like you and probably every other new mom, was to “cherish every moment” of the baby years. Not f*cking hard when you’re awake for EVERY one of those minutes! I remember really cherishing 2:00 a.m.
That is just pearl. I heard the same thing like a broken record. Thanks for putting it out there
Zoinks.
There’s nothing to be cherished about 2AM unless you’re drunk and dancing on the tables…
“Whatever you do, don’t let your newborn sit in snow.”
This pearl of wisdom was given to me by a complete stranger. And it was timely, as I was about to do just that – there being a lot of snow in Sydney’s inner west. In summer.
gold.
You probably don’t remember but you were very likely to be waving brochures for the ski season in Calgary at the time, no doubt thinking that a long haul flight to Canada would totally aid the bonding process with your newborn.
From the paternal great-grandmother: you should start potty training at 6 months that’s what we’ve always done in our family.
I still don’t have a follow-up train of thought to address what she was telling me!
Ooh sorry I posted this twice – further up and here. I’m not trying to show off my crap advice or make a fake double entry in the prize draw. In fact you should disqualify me from the contest for making an iPhone related cock-up of adding a comment twice.
Yep, it does get easier. Past the teen years now…threw away all my over sized t shirts and sweats. Lost some weight, and taking time for me now.
I really do miss those “baby” years though. I look back and wonder “Why was I so angry?” or “What was the big deal?”
Not pushing for grandkids though.
I think it’s easy to forget how difficult it was. At least that’s the only way I can explain away the many stories of grandparents coming to visit their newborn grandchildren and still expecting the new mother to have tidied the house and then make them a cup of tea and/or a three course meal.
Wow! I had not thought of all those sleepless nights for quite some time. My 3rd child screamed in my ear for months and months. Never slept. I become exhausted just thinking back on those days. No one ever gave me any advice that was worth a nickel. Hey, thanks for the “fond” memories.
I am pleased you came thru those dark days. The memories will blur a bit more as time goes on. Thankfully!
Someone told me when I was pregnant with my #3, that the third child would be “easygoing” and just “fit in with the rest of the family”.
My third child apparently failed to get the memo about that. As did yours, it would seem.
Most annoying parenting advice? ”
If you pick the fleas on them in the morning they are less likely to fling their feces at the elders during lunch.”
Beyond being entirely untrue, it came from my mother-in-law so…nuff said.
There are some human children this advice might actually apply to – although the ones I am thinking of were much likely to create modern works of art with their feces on the walls and the soft furnishings rather than fling them.
Sorry, the lack of opposing thumbs makes typing difficult.
I meant that to read…
“If you pick the fleas OFF them in the morning they are less likely to fling their feces at the elders during lunch.”
The first version is, of course, absurd.
Wow. For a prognosticating service monkey, you have higher grammatical standards than most humans.
Oh, and I’m devastated that I can’t actually access your blog. I think I would learn much from you, oh simian one.
The nights and days when all you wanted to do was test your throwing arm!
Worst advice (my son is an asthmatic) was from mother in law and her midwife sister when I was told to sterilise my house so as to minimise the infections and attacks. Just how I was supposed to sterilise the rest of the world outside the front door was never explained. Nor was it explained as to how I was to care for the rest of the family while constantly cleaning. I chose to ignore it and my son is healthy and well adjusted at 17!
The days do blur past and yes you need to be very afraid for those teen years. My eldest is almost through them at 17 and my daughter is bringing up the rear at 13. The tantrums, mood swings and plain obstinancy just makes me wish they were in arms where if you stuck something in their mouths they would shut up!!
Lovely post!
I think you were supposed to erect one of those hospital-grade plastic tents over your entire house – like that scene when the Feds move in on Elliot’s family home in ET.
Thanks for the comment and for adding fuel to my fear of the teen years…
When my 5 month old was cutting her first tooth, my mother-in-law told me to give her a bone to chew on. Yes, she actually wanted me to treat my daughter like a dog. Maybe I should have potty trained her in the backyard too.
I hope she didn’t take it further and suggest a chicken bone because that there is a choking hazard waiting to happen.
PS. The backyard is actually a useful toilet-training ground for boys… We call it “the bush wee”.
I’m laughing out loud and making my family think I’m nuts. This isn’t bad advice I was given, but what I gave to a friend.
She became pregnant after being told that she couldn’t have children. She’s also a very popular lady at our church. Fearing for her sanity, here is what I said:
“I have a bit of advice for you. Now that you’re pregnant, you will get more advice about this baby than you ever thought possible and much of it from people you don’t (or you barely) know. Just be prepared because most of it is stupid and/or wrong.”
She laughed at the time. Then she came back to me more than a year later and told me thanks – it was the best advice she’d gotten.
I can see by these comments that I was more right than I even knew. Hilarious stuff!!
That’s very wise advice you gave your friend. Perhaps next time you give this advice, you could take the URL of this post onto it… (*she says hopefully*)
Some people have no clue. When my 5 year old was a bubs, he had some nappy rash and I was told vaseline would fix it up – um I don’t think so.
I got a little tub of vaseline in the ‘show bag’ they gave me at the hospital for one of my babies… I always thought it was (rather optimistically) put in there for when I resumed ‘relations’ with my husband but now I know it was for nappy rash… shuh!
I was at the grocery store with my 5 month old, and a complete stranger came up to me and asked if I was breastfeeding. When I said no, she said that I really should consider it. Call me crazy, but I think it was a little late for that…
It’s called relactating and it’s at the scarier end of the pro-breastfeeding movement. I once blogged here about how my 14 month old daughter had self-weaned when I fell pregnant with my third child. Unfortunately it was a week before I was due to host an Australian Breastfeeding Association meeting in my home (the one and only meeting I ever hosted). At the meeting, I confessed about the self-weaning and they encouraged me to relactate. I was sad about the self-weaning but not *that* sad. Not by a long shot.
Most useless and annoying advice has been the cumulative effect of contradictory advice that comes from all corners which amounts to the following:
All behaviours are normal.
All amounts of screaming or not screaming are normal.
All amounts of sleeping or not sleeping are normal.
All rates of progress or not progress are normal.
All voumes of vomit, snot, poo, drool, etc are normal.
All feeding habits are normal.
All feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, exhaustion, frustration, delirium are normal.
Every damned permutation of existence is normal for a baby and a new mother. Nothing is irregular, unique or alarming… ever… so don’t be one of ‘those’ paranoid mothers and lighten up a little.
Yeah. Thanks for the advice.
Hey, that sounds like a summary of (Australian baby guru) Robyn Barker’s opus ‘Baby Love’.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Robyn Barker but there were times when I grew frustrated at her book and her “anything goes” attitude and would shout “TELL ME WHAT TO DO, ROBYN! TELLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEE!”
Nearly through the teen years – bring on the celebratory gin and tonics
Great post!
Thanks.
I’d be lining up the shots if I were you…
Well first I’ll say, love the title of this blog (& the book) for obvious reasons
#2 I don’t have kids so I don’t know any bad advice but I do know from babysitting that you shouldn’t let kids chew on the puffs containers because then they swallow a piece of the plastic and it hurts when it comes out! Woops!
-Gizzy
Well, I should say here that the book lives up to its fantastic title…
As for plastic as part of a child’s daily diet… Since most plastics take a billion trillion years to break down in the ground, is it any surprise that the human digestive system fails to do it any faster? And yet, the number of ‘swallowing plastic’ incidents I have heard of (and, indeed, occasionally witnessed) suggest that human children instinctively are drawn to plastic as one of their major food groups. Go figure.
Most of my communication with my four young adult children is by texting these days – I had fun reading all of this. I loved the baby years – and despite all advise against it kept them in bed with us (admittedly often because after a middle of the night nursing I was WAY to tired – if even awake- to take them back to the crib). But when my youngest was six and still showing up to snuggle and keeping us awake with her wriggling about – I researched how I might get her to stop creeping into our bed. One book’s author actually suggested that I gently push her onto the floor! She’s twenty-one now and I am in heaven when she flies home and goes along with MY suggestion that we watch You’ve Got Mail in bed together.
What’s gentle about pushing a child onto the floor? Wow. I’m surprised that same book didn’t also suggest you ‘gently’ booby-trap the side of the bed the child came into with nails and electric-shock-giving devices…
LOL…enjoyed this post soooooooo much! Am waiting for my own toddler to reach self-bum wiping stage…while occasionally enjoying my status as ‘Sun-Goddess’ of his world
The self-bum wiping will revolutionise your world. It truly ruly will…. Good luck!
At a party, heavily overdue with number 1, a (male) guests told me, ‘Don’t they do something with knitting needles for that?’ Urge to crush his smirking face into carpet suppressed for sake of common decency (thankfully I have since grown out of that).
My sister was told, when still breastfeeding her son at 1+ years, that she would rot his teeth because her milk was too sweet!
These people clearly were mothered by robots.
Hilarious post!
I would have (smilingly) said to that male guest “Thanks for the advice. I’m just sorry nobody gave that same advice to your mother when she was pregnant with you…”
And from a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution: If your baby is not sleeping 12 hours consecutively by 9 months then s/he has a sleep problem.
!!!
Best parenting advice ever: throw all the parenting advice books out the nearest window. Preferably on fire.
http://cavemum.wordpress.com
The irony is that, by using the gently-gently ‘No-cry sleep solution’ techniques, you’d be lucky to have your child sleeping through the night by the time they were 18.
I threw Gina Ford’s “The Contented Little Baby” out the window on several occasions. Setting it on fire would have felt much more satisfying…
I can 100% relate.
Having had the 2 kids so close together and being very ill with the 2nd pregnancy, those baby years both dragged and flew by at the same time.
I loved feeling the kids move in my belly, and I loved feeling a sleeping baby dozing in my arms…but I hated the hemmorhoids they caused and the fact that I was always standing up swaying with a frigging sleeping baby in my arms!
I drink a lot more now, celebrating the fact that we’re a diaperless house. Every so often I paint my face blue, put on a kilt and scream “FREEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!” from my front steps. Its all good.
Back in the baby years I couldn’t stand when people told me to nap when the kids napped. Well, genius, that’s fine WHEN YOU HAVE ONE KID. But my kids were both little enough to nap but far enough in age that their naps didn’t overlap EVER for 2+ years.
Oh, and at my 1st kid’s 6-week checkup the OB told me and Hubby to start having sex right away because it “helps bonding” between the couple. We lived in a tiny apartment and 6 of his relatives were staying with us. Being woken every hour by a screaming newborn demanding my sore nipples and having a house full of people on air mattresses does not, quite surprisingly, incite a lusty desire for sex in me.
But thanks for the tip.
I never managed the synchronised nap with my children but tried to be philosophical about it and look upon it as “special one-on-one time” with whatever child wasn’t asleep. Right! It was “special one-on-one time” while I was trying to cook dinner, do the dishes and hang out the laundry!
The image of you with your face painted blue shouting “FREEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM!” made my day.
Worst advice I got was “to drink stout to bring your milk in”
– you can imagine the result
I kind of wish someone had given me that advice. I was completely sober, sipping on ‘nettle leaf and fennel tea’. Blerggghhh.
I have two 2 year olds (twins) and a 4 year old. I was in utter hell for a while when they were all under 3. Living in England as we do meant I had no family support and not many friends.
The first advice I hated was from a mid-wife, “All women have enough breast milk for their babies”. That’s utter BS. I had trouble with my first born even though I breast fed for 6 months and was pumping continuously to help “stimulate” my flow. Imagine what it was like with the twins. Breast fed them for 7 months — never had enough milk! (Had to supplement with formula)
The next advice that really annoyed me was more like an admonishment. Went to the local health center to weigh the twins. They were about 3 months old so my older son was just over 2 — fun! Brought all three with me and while we were waiting to see the mid-wife I gave the twins each a bottle. Propped the bottles both up as I was sitting there in front of them so I could hold my 2 year old. First thing the mid-wife says to me is, “Don’t prop up the bottles. They could die. I saw a baby die this way about 20 years ago”. Gee thanks! First of all, I wasn’t a first time mum. I know you shouldn’t leave a room with young babies and propped bottles. However, by this point they could actually move around a lot so it really wasn’t a danger. And how the hell am I supposed to function if both arms all holding a bottle!! I had a 2 year old boy who does not just sit quietly! I thought that was just a rude way to express concern — if I was a nervous first time mom, I would have felt like crap! (She even wrote it in my ‘record’ that I was propping the bottles, trying to make me feel like a criminal!)
Thanks for letting me vent!
She wrote it in your record in front of you? I’m surprised she didn’t organise a public shaming session for you in the town square.
I would have handed her the 2 year old and the two bottles and said “Go on. Show me how *you* would do this…”
I think the most useless had to be when still pregnant and people would tell me to rest now cause I wouldn’t be able to when the baby was born. Yeah, right, cause sleep is like that, you can just store it up for a rainy day. Morons.
Oh, I’m with you on that. That advice always bugged for me that reason, too – oh, and the fact that when you’re heavily pregnant, you’re as uncomfortable as fuck and resting is nigh impossible.
The worst piece of advice I received (aside from most of the gems posted already) was to pump right after breastfeeding and offer that to the baby as well.
For the first 2 days of my youngest son’s life I did, but by the end of the second day of feeding my newborn, I sat on my couch holding my double breast pump in hand, looked wearily over at my ‘hubby’ and let out a defeated “Mooooo”.
Yes, pumping is helpful to create reserves to go out, etc…blah blah blah. But when you’re feeding your baby every 2 hours, who wants to sit there attached to a breast pump?? I felt like a self-made dairy farm!
I didn’t know that double-breast pumps even existed. That’s sure left some lasting image imprinted in my mind.
I hear you! I had to do so much expressing for my first born to build up supply and supplement my lazy feeder, that I hired a double electric pump and then cut two holes in a bra. Hands free milking. Convenient? Yes, but also humiliating, even in the privacy of my own home.
Oh Oh, thought of another…
A friend of mine’s mother came to visit me in hospital the morning after I’d had my first. I was laid up in bed unable to do much due to the c/sect.
I asked her (RN of 30 years – 10 of those spent in neonatal wards and mother of 3) if she could possibly wrap bubs back up because I couldn’t organise my blankets and tubes well enough to wrap her in any sort of neat fashion.
She laid the blanket in the plastic hospital crib, lay bubs down and then roughly wrapped her resulting in a big bump on my baby’s head from being rolled hard at the side of the crib.
I was speechless and instantly teared up, my poor baby…
She turns and says to me, “Oppsies, oh well. You’ll soon learn that they just survive being thrown around like that. See? She’s fine.”
If I had been capable of getting out of my bed, I would’ve ripped her figging throat out.
Ofcourse, we do all learn eventually that babies are a little more resilient than we think they are and that a bump on the head, though not ideal, isn’t the end of the world but she was all of maybe 18hrs old and my first. Can you imagine?
She sounds like half of the postnatal ward midwives who tended to me and my babies in hospital…
Sure, they may have seen it all a thousand times or more, but for a first-time mother, it’s all new and scary and overwhelming. And they seem to forget that all together…
“Sleep when they sleep” I have god damn twins… they rarely sleep, let alone sleep at the same time. Yet still this seems to be the only bit of advice i ever recieve.
You should buy a stamp with the word “UNFRIEND” on it and, next time a friend offers you that advice, stamp them on the forehead with it…
I’ve lost track of most of the ‘helpful’ advice but one that sticks is from those very early days of being a new mum. On day 3 of having a constantly hungry and screaming bundle in our lives, our paediatrician came in on his routine morning visit and found me once again trying to settle our newborn… with a cuddle…. as you do…
His advice? “You’re being too soft on him. Your child is playing you like a fiddle. You need to leave him be and he’ll settle on his own.”
Yes, we always thought our child was manipulative right from the moment he popped out. He suggested we just left him to cry it out in the cot. Yep, shit piece of advice that was! And we had to pay a gazillion dollars a word to hear it too…
The other piece of useless advice actually came from a child psychologist at a ‘So, you’re about to become a parent!’ workshop thing… but we won’t go there today!
How can you be “too soft” on a newborn. Did that paediatrician get that nugget from the “Stalin School Of Parenting Handbook”??
You’ve left me intrigued about the child psychologist’s advice. I hope you come back to share it with us.
Had that one so many times too! In hospital, with my second who had a high fever (urinary infection) only 4 days old, drip n her wrist with antibiotics etc, i have her cuddled up in my arms and the nurse tells me ‘le vas a acostumbrar mal’ (you’re going to get her into bad habits’). Say what?!!!
Most inaccurate advice: “Just when you think you can’t stand *insert trying thing here* anymore, they will magically grow out of it!”
2.5 years later and my DD still hates going to sleep…. I decided I couldn’t stand it anymore about 2.4 years ago .. and I’m still waiting!
Yes, relying on ‘magic’ in parenting is very sane advice. I think you should reply to such advice-givers with something along the lines of “If I stare at you long enough, you will magically grow out of saying such shit.”
Good luck with your daughter and sleeping, though. 2.4 years past your pain threshold sounds like hard work.
“Take a chill pill Mum”
After a reasonable loud “NO”was uttered from my lips, to my little children at the supermarket…
Advice offered up by a singular man- without two children clinging to his legs, who were whinging for Thomas the tank engine cup cake mix, (packet cup cake mix with weirdly edible Thomas the tank pictures) after children were extracted from the wayward trolley and could finally reach the alluring shelves….
Walk a mile or two in my shoes man….
He’s lucky he didn’t tell you to “chillax”. I think in some parts of the world, a mother is justified to kill for less.
Those edible syndicated children’s character cake toppings are unnatural.
Most useless advice has to be my father-in-law’s brilliant suggestion on how to get my son to sleep through the night – “He needs a little brother or sister, then he’ll sleep through”.
Huh?
As someone who has regularly ended up having two or three children in the same bed with me, I can say that this is wise advice indeed. However, by “wise”, I actually mean “whys”, as in “WHYS IS YOUS TELLING ME THESE BULLSHITS”.
First visit to the public paediatric service:
Doc: Does he sleep in the bed with you?
Us: Yes.
Doc: Prohibited!
(Literally. In Spanish: “Prohibido!” I thought she was reaching for the discreet red button under the desk…)
Nice work, doctor. She probably did push that red button and somewhere someone opened a DoCs file on you both.
[...] Mothering“. I think it is very entertaining and a great read. It’s called, “Cocktails at Nap time“. Hilarious and eye-opening, the blogger talks about the hardships of raising children and [...]
Thanks for the trackback!
I used to love it when we went out without children, and those worried people who came up to us and asked what we’d done with the children to be able to come out. At first I’d reply the usual things – babysitter, friend, nanny- but after a while I perfected the supreme reply. ‘I left them hanging in the cupboard’.
Too funny. My standard response is “Oh, I sold them on ebay.”
Apologies to everyone – I’m still working through all these amazing comments with my trademark witty off-the-cuff remarks (which is another way of saying “drunken”).
In the meantime, I wrote down everyone’s name on a piece of paper, put them into one of my Kenwood Chef bowls and got Mr Justice to pull two winners out.
They were:
em-jay-jay
AND
AliceCrumbs.
Yay for the winners! But remember: we are all winners, except for when we don’t actually win anything.
Thanks again for all the great comments,
The NDM
I hope em-jay-jay and Alice enjoy the book.
Gillian x