Some people like to procrastinate quietly in a corner with a good book and a family block of chocolate.
But not I. No. I like to gently avoid putting away the mountainous piles of clean laundry and/or stand at the kitchen sink for the fourth hour that day by thinking about how much I dislike mermaids.
Yes, I am a mermaid-basher, but you already knew that, didn’t you?
The other day, I jumped onto twitter with the following question:
The general consensus from my twitter friends was that mermaids didn’t eat fish because “fish were their friends” and that they were sea-vegetarian. I, for one, don’t buy that for a moment. C’mon! They’re half-human! Don’t tell me they don’t have carnivorous urges. I mean, they must be at least pescetarian, if not omnivorous. I mean, the occasional cow must fall overboard a freight ship, right?
Still, what goes in must go out. How do mermaids shit? If they’re anything like Mr Justice’s neurotic goldfish, they must swim around half the day with a long string of faeces coming out their fishy arse. But you don’t see that pictured in any of your mermaid fairytale books or in the Barbie Mermadia series. Oh, no.
As I was thinking about all this, I could see Tiddles McGee’s lunch plate balanced on the edge of the arm chair from the day before.
Vaguely, I wondered if it would eventually make its own way to the kitchen. And that’s when it hit me. Like, really hit me.
If McGee had eaten his lunch under the sea, the plate may well have drifted to the kitchen with the tide.
Moreover, it wouldn’t need to have drifted to the kitchen because it was already under the water.
Which is why mermaids look so well-groomed and beautiful all the frickin’ time. Because they never have to worry about the fucking dishes! Or the laundry, because they don’t have any clothes to wash. I mean, those shell bras? Puh-lease. A bit of scrubbing to get the algae off may be required from time to time but if you can’t be arsed doing it, its not the end of the world. You’re naked from the waist down anyway and you have all that great hair to cover your breasts, anyway.
Talking of great hair, even my hair looks great under water. It’s all soft and flowy and beautiful. Whereas out of the water, even one hour after washing it I’m grateful if it’s raining outside so that anyone who sees me will think my hair looks like that because I have just bravely run through the rain and not because I’m a complete and utter skank.
Here are some other things mermaids don’t have to worry about, just off the top of my head:
- finding time in the day to have a shower
- listening to their husbands clip their toenails
- having monkey breath in the morning
- wearing high heels
- bad trouser days
- sausage sizzles
- shaving their legs or tending their lady garden
- menstrual accidents or skid marks
I think that’s enough about mermaids for now, don’t you? Next topic for procrastination: why Geppetto never had children of his own and had to make a puppet for company. Did he never meet the right lady or was he gay?
Uh, maybe I should just put away the laundry…