Here is the transcript of a conversation that actually took place between me and an (unspecified) male friend about events that may (or may not) have actually taken place:
UNSPECIFIED MALE FRIEND: What must the neighbours think of me and my messy yard?
ME: Well, certainly those things I told them about you wouldn’t have helped their opinion.
UMF: Look, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go around substantiating those rumours. There’s no real hard evidence that those things even occurred, save a few photographs…
ME: Ah yes, the photographs… (*shudders*) It must be said that once you’ve seen something like that, it’s impossible to unsee it… Still, good times.
USM: Good times, indeed. Perhaps those good times will come again.
ME: Perhaps. Are you still that flexible?
UMF: On a good day, yes. Yes, I am.
[Long pause while we both imagine what we might possibly be talking about]
ME: Oooooh. I can feel a blog post coming on!
I’ll admit it. I experience a certain frisson when I feel a blog post coming on. It’s like my muse has just rung me up to say he’s just bought a litre bottle of vodka and a 4 Litre tub of caramel, date and pecan ice cream and run a bubble bath for me. And yes, for the record, my muse is a he and, more often than not, answers to the name of Paolo.
Of course, I’ve had to tread carefully with this particular blog post. I mean, if I were to specify my (currently) unspecified male friend’s identity, I’d be putting his reputation as a fine upstanding community member on the line. He’d no doubt get people insistently knocking on his door at 2AM and would end up, curled in the fetal position on the other side, hissing: “Go away! I don’t do those things anymore…”
I hate to break it to my (still) unspecified male friend that those 2AM knockers would not be put off easily. After all, they would have had it on on good authority that he actually did still do those things – that ‘good authority’ being, of course, that reputable blog ‘Not Drowning, Mothering’, whose hardworking and dedicated blogger has never once lied to her audience. Not once. Not even about the time she pissed herself in the school yard.
I mean, really… if you read it here, why wouldn’t you believe it?
I suggest to my (as of yet) unspecified male friend that he clear up his backyard at the first opportunity. And while he’s at it, he may as well clean up mine. Oh, and buy me a litre bottle of vodka and a 4 litre tub of caramel, date and pecan ice cream and get that bath running.
Yep, that should stop me from specifying his unspecified-ness in the future. Oh, and publishing those photos.
Huh huh… “2AM knockers”
There’s always one…
make that two
THREE.
Ha! I love this post and feel pretty dang jealous of you having such a muse!
Paolo – and his ilk – are available for hire. Check out http://www.e-muse.com
Yes, I made that URL up. Just like I made everything else up in this post… except the conversation. The conversation was real, people. IT WAS REAL.
I don’t know why I am commenting as I don’t know what to say… … … x
I expect you are not alone on this, Maxabella…
I’ve had 3 cups of coffee, and 4 hours of sleep – the most I’ve had in 6 months. But this post is doing my head in – I NEED photos!
Setting alarm to be a 2am knocker.
A would that the photos exist. Perhaps I should do some crafty Photoshopping to *really* give these unsubstantiated rumours some substantiated wings!
My muse is Matt Damon. Not that exciting, but as muse to say the least x
As long as he’s in Jason Bourne mode, I’m hip to that.
Only two words are required here..
~
~
~
PICTURES PLEASE!!!
Oh, the pressure!
NDM, will there be photos of said 2AM knockers ? Oh, noes ! I realise with a heavy heart, that you’re talking about DOOR knockers…….
Door knockers would mean they’d be pretty flat, right?
alas I couldn’t get past ‘caramel, date and pecan ice cream’ because OMFGWANTNOWORPOSSIBLYSOONER.
I gave up smoking 3 weeks ago and now I am orally fixated.
Which totally sounds rude and is a bitter disappointment to my husband that all I want to do is eat icecream.
Point me to your dealer… or stockist… or whatever they call the people that provide the awesomeness.
Is there a way you could, say, eat the ice cream off his naked body? If he goes out and buys it for you, that is.
PS. I know I’ve already told you on twitter but if anyone else is wondering, it’s a ‘You’ll love Coles’ product. Who’d have thunk that I actually WOULD love Coles for such a combination?
Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that we at Gingerbread Folk love your blog. Feel free to check out ours at http://gingerbreadfolk.blogspot.com
Ah, NDM, I heart you. This made my day! Ah, those pesky photographs. I long ago banned cameras of all kinds from my presence due to pesky photgraphs. Never again. Never again.
This is Kerry Sackville’s gardener we’re talking about, isn’t it?
In a bid to put further pressure on you…. photos…. please!!! You’ve painted such a wonderful picture, it just needs one more to be complete!!!!!
PS. Big congrats on making the Best Australian Blogs finalist list!
This is one of those posts when the tags are as funny and ridiculous as the post itself. ‘Unspecified male friend’??? WHO GOOGLES THAT??????????????/
P.S. My muse is called Nutella. DUH
Now I want ice cream. And it’s Good Friday so I can’t buy any. This sort of tragedy is possibly blog post worthy.