“A Conversation”

An imaginary conversation between The NDM and An Imaginary Friend about Real Events. 

NDM: God, I had an awful day yesterday. 

FRIEND: Oh, dear. I’m listening…

NDM: I went to [insert name of local monster mall] with the three kids but without a stroller…

FRIEND: Oh, I think I know where this is heading… 

NDM: We went to Sanity Records first because I wanted to exchange those Deadwood disks. Except I couldn’t find the receipt and was expecting a bit of a fight. But the guy there was really helpful, remembered me from the time I’d made my original purchase and swapped them straight over. 

FRIEND: And the kids? (Shifts slightly in seat in anticipation) What did they do?

NDM: They just browsed through the DVD bargain bin.

FRIEND: (disappointed) Oh. 

NDM: And then we all had to walk right to the other side of the centre to go to EB Games to get a Wii disk polished. 

FRIEND: (perking up) And?

NDM: We stopped to look at things along the way. There’s lots of interesting things to look at in shop windows if you take the time to stop and look. Which we did. And when we got to EB Games, the teenage shop assistant was very helpful as well and the children and I enjoyed looking at all the different Wii accessories while we waited. There’s quite a lot, you know. Even a little steering wheel. Although I think it’s probably called a steering Wii-l.

FRIEND: (stifles yawn) Right. 

NDM: It was all going so well that I decided to push my luck even further and pick up some groceries at Safeway on our way out. 

FRIEND: (mutters to self) Here comes the money shot, surely…

NDM: I let everyone carry their own basket…

FRIEND: …And… AND??

NDM: It took us no time at all.  And we sang songs together in the car on the way home. (PAUSE) And that’s it. 

FRIEND: That’s it?? That’s your “awful day”??

NDM: Yes, that’s it. That’s my awful day. 

FRIEND: I don’t understand. Where’s the crisis?

NDM: Where’s the crisis? WHERE’S THE CRISIS? The crisis is there is no fucking crisis. How on earth am I going to blog about that???

FRIEND: Shit.

NDM: SHIT. 

FRIEND: I’m sure you’ll find a way.

NDM: Not bloody likely.

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Talk To The Hand

Regular readers of my blog will know that I pay as much attention to sport as I do to the state of my house. However, the other day I stumbled across my visiting mother muttering in a cluttered corner about Australian You-Bewt Tennis Legend, Lleyton Hewitt, and his “imaginary little friend”. 

“Please – no sport-talk in front of the children,” I gently reminded her before asking her exactly what the hell she was referring to. 

It turns out she’s talking about the little Hand Puppet that he likes to say “Come on!” to during tennis matches.

Lleyton Hewitt literally "talks to the hand"

“Come on!” is apparently just an abbreviated way of saying “Oh do come on, my little friend, oh hand puppet of mine. Let us give this racquet-yielding rogue a thorough drubbing!” But in the heat of the moment, it just comes out “Come awwwwnnnnnnnnn!”

I mean, let’s face it: Lleyton certainly does like to talk to the hand during matches. Some people say it is a valid way of pumping himself up, getting himself into “The Zone”. Others say that, especially since he trademarked this duck-puppet gesture in 2008, that it’s just another way of makin’ an honest buck. Whatever the reason, him and his hand obviously share a Very Special Bond. I don’t want to speculate too much about what goes on in the locker rooms but I expect a little stress relief might sometimes be the order of the day, especially on those days where he’s knocked out in the first round of a Grand Slam Competition. And no, I can’t believe I just wrote that either. 

Lleyton shares a joke with a pal.

Of course, with all the current talk about Lleyton’s career being officially On The Nose, one can’t help but wonder what the future holds for him and his little friend… Well, here at NDM Central, I am not heartlessly deaf to his plight. In fact, I’ve even workshopped a few ideas…

Educator? Entertainer? Former-Prince-of-Pop-turned-Circus-Super-Freak?

Really, I don’t know why more people don’t come to me with their career problems. I give the best advice.

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