Not many people can claim this but I have myself a little human jukebox who goes around playing “The Best of the Not Drowning Mother”. You see, I’ve been reading out (somewhat edited) versions of my posts to Mr Justice, who loves to walk around quoting what he considers to be “the funny bits” such as “I’m angry just writing about it” or “It’s hard to shout at a man with his head down the toilet”. And every time he quotes something, he laughs like a little mentalist. God I love that boy.
The flip-side of sharing my blog with Mr Justice is that he’s also my biggest critic. Since he has one of the finest legal minds of his generation, he’s a stickler for the Absolute Truth and for the Real Sequence of Events. He doesn’t quite understand that Mummy needs to have some creative licence and perhaps condense a number of conversations into one, change the location of an event or maybe not mention EVERYTHING about the beach holiday, such as the “unreasonably angry crab” he and Daddy caught when fishing in the rain wearing garbage bags and how they made up a song about the crab that goes “Crab, crab crab crab, crab, crab crab crab, crab, crab crab crab. Crab!”. (There, Mr J, I’ve made mention of it – can you call off your legal hounds now?).
However, when we’re not arguing about what constitutes The Truth, we have a shared passion for the Blog Stats link- or Blog Crack link, as I refer to it when Mr Justice isn’t around. With the click of a mouse, we can see how many people have visited my blog and which links they clicked on. Mr Justice likes to point out the low points on the graph. “Oh, mummy. You only got 26 that day. But that’s okay….” And then I get all huffy and defensive and say look, that was probably Grand Final Saturday and who has time to read blogs on Saturdays anyway, even on those Saturdays that you’re not being forced to go to a Grand Final BBQ, huh? Huh??
We also love to look at the search terms that led people to stumble through my blog door – which I hasten to add are totally anonymous and give no indication of whether the searcher hung around in my blog for a while or clicked the hell out of there.
Amongst the notables are “boy with a gigantic thumb”, the grammatically incorrect “if someone drowns does their shoes fall”, the baffling “up from drowning, mother” and a whole heap that are wanting to read up about the “sock market crash”. Either there’s a “T” missing in sock or they are bona fide punsters like yours truly.
Then there are the disquieting ones, which I choose not to share with Mr J, such as “drowning in squares sheet”, “mutant ninja turtles child drownings” (huh?) and “”bum itch that won’t go away” (One word, my friend: Combantrin).
And then there’s the little pang of guilt I get when I see that people have come to me in their search for blogs about cross-dressing, Erectile Dysfunction or “funeral for a child”. I feel embarrassed that my flippant little blogsite would have been a waste of download for those searching souls. And each time I vow I’ll try and tag responsibly in the future and avoid using eminently searchable terms as “peeing lesbians”, “teeny-weeny man-tool” or “lactating asian babes” – but whoops, there they are in my blog again. And yes, you bet I’ll be editing out this whole paragraph when I read this aloud to Mr Justice.
But truly, I’m very flattered (and grateful) when anybody – anybody! – visits my humble blog, whatever their method of getting here. And I love the comments – the commentators are my supporting cast and deserve a curtain call of their own (but not too much praise, else they start their own blogs and stop reading mine).
However, my greatest achievement as a blogger is this: earlier this week, Mr Justice went back to school after two weeks’ break and was asked to write a ‘recap’ of his holiday. But did he write about the fishing trip or the “unreasonably angry crab” or the seventeen playdates I organised or the trip to the zoo or – most significantly – the fact that he finally got to see “Wall*E”?
No, siree. Instead, he wrote the following:
My mum read me her blog. Of course her blogs always have something funny.
To know I went head to head with an animated Disney character that has captured my son’s imagination for months (months!) before he even saw the film, and came out on top… ain’t that something?