Every idea, even the bad and the exceedingly strange ones, had to have had a moment of conception. I mean, someone somewhere had to have come up with the initial idea for Hooked on Classics (“Let’s breathe new life into the musical medley format by adding an infectious disco beat!”) or for a flopster film like Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! (“Sly Stallone really should do more comedy…”) or even the Bratz franchise (“We’re bringing sexy back… to the pre-teen market!”).
I personally have always wished I could have been there when they came up with the concept for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I like to think the conversation went a little something like this:
PERSON A: Hey, let’s do a cartoon series about a bunch of teenagers who fight crime…
PERSON B: Uh, I think Scooby Doo covered that.
A: Okay, okay. But what if these kids were trained in the deadly martial arts of the Exotic Far East?
B: Nah, too Karate Kid.
A: What if.. what if… they’re wise-crackin’ crime-fightin’ ninja-trained TURTLES!
A: MUTANT turtles!
B: Now you’re talking…
A: And their ninja master is a giant anthropomorphic rat!
B: Keep it coming!
A: And they say stuff like “Cowabunga!” and “What the shell?” and… and.. and “Let’s turtlize them!”
B: Aw, yeah… Bring it home, baby!
A: And they’re named after Renaissance artists!
B: Aw, now you’ve gone and blown your ride… and yet… it’s so crazy, it might just work…
Yep, I was pretty sure that’s how it would have gone. Except I’ve now since read on Wikipedia that the TMNT concept “arose from a humorous drawing sketched out by Kevin Eastman during a casual evening of brainstorming with his friend Peter Laird”, which is quite possibly a polite way of saying they were on mind-enhancing drugs at the time.
Anyway, to save dear Mr Eastman and Mr Laird from further damage to their brain-cells, I came up with some possible “Joanie loves Chachi”-style spin-offs for a variety of different age groups:
FKLTL: Freakish Kabuki-Loving Toddling Lizards
TRLGG: Tweenie Reptilomorph Labyrinthodontic Geisha Girls
MLCASW: Mid-Life-Critical Amphisbaenian Sumo Wrestlers
OAPDTS: Old Age Pensioner Deviant Trouser Snakes
And that’s just for starters. How many times do I have to spell it out for you people? IDEAS. PERSON.