It is upon us: it’s been almost one year since The NDM burst onto the internet with her children’s bottoms a-blazin’. Yes, it’s my blog-a-versary! By rights, I should be writing this in my birthday suit except, well, I don’t want to frighten the kids unnecessarily.
So how did this happen? How did I find myself one year and 281 posts into my blogging career?
Let’s start at the very beginning. It’s a very good place to start (apparently). Friends JS and Mr C gave me the idea for the blog as I lay, a broken woman, amongst the ruins of Mr Justice’s Star Wars-themed sixth birthday. Basically, like all good pushers, they got to me when I was vulnerable… Before I knew it, I had signed up with WordPress and found myself staring at a blank text box.
But what will I say? I thought to myself. Who will read it? And where on earth will I find the time to do this?
But the time was found, albeit in units smaller than a three year old’s appetite, and I persuaded a few friends to read it (I think the words “I know where you live…” were involved). As for the words? Well, all I can think of is that line from The War of the Worlds: “And still, they come…”.
And then the ego kicked in. I stopped being [insert real name] and became (drum roll) “The NDM!”. I became unhealthily obsessed with my blog stats and dreamt of being discovered by a literary agent who would write me a cheque for three billion-zillion-trillion dollars On. The. Spot because I was that fucking great. And I started wondering how I might “monetize my blog” without selling out – which is kind of a contradiction in terms, if you think about it. Mmmm…. selling out….
And most certainly, being courted by all those cyrillic spammers on your blog can really go to a girl’s head. They were all “кухонная шлюха бедра грома кувшина мамы” and I’m all *swoon* and before I knew it I was buying stuff by the truck-load on bigdick.com.ru and trying to encourage the local school to sell Viagra or Acai Berries as part of their next charity drive. As I said in no uncertain terms to the school council: “Yo’ bitches won’t catch a class act like Yuri from Big’n’Busty Babushkas slangin’ Freddo Frogs. We got to get where the money’s at, peoplesss!”
Okay, so that hasn’t happened quite yet. But it might if I continued on my current trajectory…
So yes, I’m stepping back a bit. I’m winding it down, if only to stop pushing myself so hard and start enjoying my patch o’ internet turf.
From this day forth, The NDM will now be posting on THREE BIG DAYS… Monday!… Wednesday!… Friday!… (AEST) which is the blogging equivalent of commercial TV’s “now at a special new time”. You know, when they move your favourite show to 11:30pm when even the VHS player is dead asleep.
Or another way of looking at it is “The NDM: Now 40% shit-free!”
Anyway, thanks for being part of The NDM experience so far. You know who you are. And remember, I really do know where most of you live…
You expect me to survive on only three NDM posts a week!
Please say, you’ll be on twitter because really I got it only to follow you, and now I need it to comfort me at this dark time.
Not sure my constant verbal diarrhea on twitter would be much comfort to anyone but yes, I’ll be there. I’m now following you and everything!
Those literary agents are about to be scared into action. Taking you for granted and letting you carry on. Now they’ll get off their arses.
You know of my lub for your blog and one of the only ones I read EVERY DAY.
Thanks for your kind comment…
I’m kinda hoping you’ll pull off your mask and reveal yourself to be one of those literary agents now, Bern.
Do mobile literary agents even have the authority to sign away large amounts of cash on the spot, anyway? If I’m going to have a fantasy, it should probably be a semi-realistic fantasy. (*sigh*).
I dont know how I feel about 40% less shit. The shit is my favourite bit!
Would that be the cat shit or the kiddy shit?
You know there will always be shit, Nellie. I’m full of it.
it’s that 40% shit i really enjoy….does this mean you’ll be spending more time on your book?
Maybe… Or just, you know, cleaning the house and finding the library books, and stuff.
Happy Blog-a-versary!!
What am I going to do without my daily dose of NDM? *sob*
You do know now though that your Mon, Wed and Fri posts are going have to be EXTRA good to make up for the missing days right? That’s some pressure…
I hope you’ll bless us with a LITTLE shit here and there, just for old times sake.
To be honest, I think I’ve become compulsive about blogging every week day. It will be interesting to see if I can stop myself. Is there a Blogger’s Anonymous chapter in this town??
And yes, there will still be shit, vomit and menstrual blood. And hopefully the three posts a week will be three GREAT posts as opposed to some of the drivel I’ve posted in the past through lack of anything better to post. You know, the old “scratching around my anal region for material for my blog”.
I think the greatest minds such as yours, NDM, need a little time out to live the life, ponder the thoughts, and find the jokes to write as craftly and insightfully as you do.
And greedy as we all are as readers for a portal into your world and ruminations on it, three times a week seems like a pretty generous ‘welcome in!’ to something we all enjoy so much.
Thanks for continuing to be such a warm and sparkling host!
Dear, dear Fee S… Thanks for your support, as always.
I may have mentioned it before, but I LOVE (look, I’ve gone all shouty now) your blog and your posts never fail to put a smile on my face. Happy blog-a-versary. I shall sit quietly now and wait in the line for the next laugh-a-minute installment (and try not to bite my nails down at the prospect of a …..*drum roll*…..book…oooooh).
Thanks, Aussie-Waffler.
And please, never apologise for going all shouty on my blog. I would like to think my blog site is where people can come and express themselves in whatever way they like. Why, Bern Morley was only just contemplating some interpretive dance over on twitter…
So many mentions of a book…doesn’t everyone have one amazing book inside them?(except you who has 281 amazing starts to a book…)hopefully this shift will lead to dizzying heights of publication!ONE.WHOLE.YEAR.AMAZING!
Thanks, dear KT. I think, as I have blogged or commented elsewhere, if I had a book in me, it would have shown up in at least once of my ultrasounds…
I don’t know if I’ve actually commented before but I definitely do enjoy reading your blog – it makes me laugh out loud repeatedly and makes me feel more normal (as well as a little inferior cos you can write so much better than I can and your blog is FAR more interesting!)
And I’m sure that you don’t know where I live!
Thanks for your kind comment, Clark. You seem pretty confident that I won’t work out where you live… which makes me think you must live somewhere that would be the last place I’d ever look… Do you and your family live at the bottom of our dirty washing basket by any chance? 😉
Sorry, three days a week doesn’t work for me. I’ll be getting my people to speak to your people and I’m sure we can work this out amicably.
Are any of your people literary agents authorised to issue large cheques by any chance?
You know that 3 days a week is the sign of a robust and well-established internet presence. It demonstrates a confidence in your ability to draw a readership, definitely not a desperate scrabbling for content 😉 Once you’re really famous you can have people hanging on for your much-anticipated weekly post. If you survive after your old and dedicated readers mutinee and hunt you down.
“Robust”… “Well-established internet presence”…
Thanks for providing a positive spin to my slow retreat into the shadowlands.
Also, next late pass I get, I will say “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” followed by “WHY, I’M A WELL-ESTABLISHED INTERNET PRESENCE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”
Not where all of us live missy!!!!
Besides if we have a blog feed reader, we don’t even have to check, there you are with you outstanding cultural iconness for our delighted consumption.
Thank you very much, Gemma. And, you know, by leaving such a nice comment, it means I don’t need to find out where you live… yet….
OH NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What will I do for mindless amusement that I can obtain in a minute and savour for hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays????? And when Things Happen in life that might be stressful, will I still be able to think to myself what a great spin the NDM might put on it? Will she have room in only 3 days per week for thoughts I might send her way for bloggifying? Will I still be able to able to think of myself as the NMD (not mothering, drowning) as I do from time to time? Fellow readers, let’s just hope that this slowing down is indeed time to work on The Book.
Oooh, I like the idea of the NMD. And keep those stories rolling in, Madame Zap. I could always end up ghost-writing a book for you? x
WHAT!!!! You slacker, you’re just going to be sitting around two days a week contemplating he universe and Mineo’s??????? Then again, I’ve been sitting around five days a week lately doing just the same, so who am I to judge…. 🙂
Yep, sitting around eating chocolates and watching daytime TV… Which is all a stay-at-home mum ever really does, according to my husband…
Hi NDM,
The loverly Bern recommended your blog and i have truly enjoyed reading it – i have almost peed my pants from laughing at times!! I wanted to wish you a happy blogaversary! and let you know that reading your blog every day reminds me to take my contraceptive pill- now what will i do for Tues and Thurs? any suggestions?
W
Thank you, blomster.
I have it on good authority that my blog acts as a kind of birth control. Just get your partner to read it and it will be unlikely either of you will ever want to have sex again in case your lives end up like mine.
Happy Hoopla Blog-a-versary NDM! Bravo bravissimo.
I think that if you never, ever blogged again (which of course would be utterly catastrophic for the rest of us), what you have managed to achieve over the last year with 3 little kids underfoot is quite simply SPECTACULAR.
Three days a week will still be a most impressive output and will give you more energy to do some UBER CRAZY SHIT on your blog-free days that you can write about the following day. Can’t wait.
As a fellow mother of 3 little sprogs, I FuLLY support your decision and thank you for countless laughs and tears over the last year. As I said way back when I first started reading your blog, you made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that, my friend, has been priceless.
Oh, Valley Girl, your words are much appreciated.
Even I have no idea how I managed to churn out 281 posts over the past year but suspect I’m a better person and (even) a better mother because of it.
x
Congrats, NDM. A literary bright and brilliant star in the universe amongst us simple folk.
Not only do you write good and put sentences together real neat…… you entertain us as well.
Do not be stopping, oh wonderous Bloggeress of cyberspace.
Oh, there’s no stopping me, care bear. Just ask my husband. He’s tried.
3 days a week. Pretty damned slack if you ask me.
I’m not sure what the appropriate greeting is for a blog-o-versay..?
Happy blogoversery? Conblogulations? Merry Blogmass? Get the Help you need? Take your pick.
Whichever it is, well done on a wonderful year and a remarkable 281 posts.
Many thanks, Mr Mills. I think the established etiquette for readers of the blog on the blog-o-versary is to send the blog writer cash. And lots of it. FAST. Email me for my bank details. I’m not kidding.
I’d be happy to, of course.
I’ve run into problems leaving credit card information in comment threads before (fool me once, shame on you…)but if you give me your address I’d be happy to put some money in an envelope and send it your way.
Anything for you.
Don.
p.s. a very impressive Ben 10 cake (I know, wrong post) and pinata. Hope the party went well. Your boy is lucky to have a mom like you…
It came to me as I was pegging the washing out today (it was raining at the time but I’ve decided to start ignoring all this rain we’re getting).. anyway… I was thinking if the book doesn’t get going as quick as you might like what about stand-up? My exact thought was “there really is a dirth of decent female stand-up comedians the NDM would be brilliant at that” and I then had a go (in my head) at hearing one of your blog posts as a routine. It was fantastic!
Just think.. world travel, live REAL-TIME applause and frenzied hysterical adulation, room service, cocktails in New York, parties on the beach…
You haven’t got a degree in performance for nothing my friend.
Luckily I was wearing my Best Browns when I read your comment.
Are you freakin’ kidding me? Stand up? I’d have to be very very drunk to get up there and that might just result in me incoherently abusing the audience or weeping.
Funnily enough, a renowned Australian comedian that Madame Zap harassed into reading my blog, suggested exactly the same thing.
I’ve had nightmares about it ever since…
(And for the record, my degree was Feminist Performance Theory.)
Theory schmeary you KNOW stand-up is your calling. Madame Zap and I are merely pointing out the inevitable and look do I have to state again *room service* which means you could take the kids along and push the buzzer on the phone at 3am and say “young Tiddles McGee would like a glass of water, 3 strawberries and a fredo frog.. oh and bring me a nice warm drink and a few baked goods while you at it” and then look forward to an evening where people will literally fawn over you for hours.
I feel you’re missing out on the sweet delight of hearing the laughter echoing around the globe as we read your blog. And the world is missing out on you ‘incoherently abusing the audience and/or weeping’.
Congratulations – it’s good to have you in the ‘hood. I especially loved your paragraph about the cyrillic spammers. I mean WTF with all of THAT??
Cheers!
Hello Blog-A-Licious
I just wanted you to know that it is Thursday and I am desperately trying to avoid doing the evening study I am supposed to be doing and because this is your first Thursday without a posting I’ve been forced to trawl through previous editions to leave random comments that are wildly out-of-date…(sob!) and I can’t even pretend to myself that it is my necessary NDM catch-up-of-the-day…
Stupid Blogless Thursdays….