There is a very good reason I rarely wear my halterneck dress. It’s because I don’t have a proper bra for it and going without a bra makes me feel like two jellies on a plate and that there is just one press-stud between me and a genuine “Zapped” moment.
And yet I wore the halterneck dress (bra-less) to the small “Melbourne Cup Day” gathering at KT’s house yesterday. I guess I figured that, since there were only going to be a handful of close friends in attendance, nobody could get hurt.
However, I hadn’t taken The Pixie’s Tuesday night dancing class into consideration when choosing my outfit. Normally, I might have let The Pixie skip the class so we could continue making merry at KTs but a recent newsletter had stressed that no child was to miss a class between now and the concert in four weeks’ time. It was italicised and maybe even underlined. And everyone knows that once you’ve italicised and underlined something, it’s The Law.
I also hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that, although my husband drove us all, it would be me that would take The Pixie into the class. Nor had I foreseen that my husband would pull a swifty on me and I would find myself agreeing to walk home from the dance class so he could run some errands. Or that I would somehow agree to take Tiddles McGee with me, too.
“But hey!” I reassured myself, as I walked towards the hall in my Melbourne Cup finery. “Everyone gets dressed up and has a flutter and a tipple on Cup Day. Why, it’s positively un-Australian not to!”
Well, try telling that to the mothers at the dance school. There wasn’t a wilting fascinator or over-jauntisized hatinator amongst them. And no-one was smelling of wine or slurring their speech or flashing their cleavage in a “Hello Boys!” fashion. Not a single one. It was like they’d all spent the day in a state of active readiness for taking their daughter to the dance class and not done it in an “Oh, shit! Ballet’s on in fifteen minutes” type addendum to their drinking activities.
I also hadn’t reckoned on The Pixie having a violent change of heart about going into her class. Or that she would cry and cling to me, begging me for “one last huggle” and pull so hard on my dress that I would feel that sickening “click” of the single press-stud at the top of the dress coming undone. Or that when I squatted down in front of her in order to prevent the inevitable next tug from pulling down the whole dress, that she would do that annoying thing where she climbs onto me while I’m squatting, sending us both sprawled on the floor in front of a room full of onlookers, with one of my breasts making a bid for freedom.
Classy.
Of course, by the time I’d finally managed to sort out my dress and prise The Pixie off me and into her class, the invisible batton had been passed onto McGee and he cried and carried on so much that I ended up having to carry all 15kg of him all the way home whilst wearing heels and the only good thing about it all was that he at least covered my cleavage. Which is more than you can say for my dress.
Next Cup Day, I’m definitely wearing a muumuu.
I think there is a good chance that you are the funniest woman who ever lived.
If only because I am also the most foolish woman who ever lived…
Hahahaha!
I am sorry for your pain, but I am glad I am not the only Mumma who has stuff like that happen. I hope no one was hurt!
Nobody was hurt. Not even my pride or reputation, simply because there wasn’t much left of either to be hurt.
I’m so glad these things happen to you and not me!!
Carrying a child with heels?? What a woman! 🙂
I’m indeed *all* woman. As everybody at the dance class now knows.
bloody brilliant!
Unfortunately as I teach every Tuesday I have not had an opportunity to have such A Melbourne Cup day experience for years and must live vicariously through my friends (and now you!)
Perhaps you might teach your students the perils of wearing halterneck dresses and drinking?
Well done NDM! When the Domestic Olympics take off, you will win the Child Penthalon, an event where you have to wrangle unwilling children through an obstacle course while wearing unsuitable clothing and footwear designed to cause major back injury. With all the training you got on Cup day, its going to be goldGoldGOLD for Australia thanks to you!
I’ve always felt, in my heart of hearts, that one day I would make this nation of ours proud. Thanks for the note of encouragement, Nellie.
Oh poor poor you…………..but lucky me. After a sleepless night I was well in need of your LOL funny blog. Thank you! I would say you’re many points up on the good-wife- o-meter after that one.
To be honest, I think the only meter that I would have been up on would have been a breathalyzer. But thank you, anyway, Madame Zap. May tonight be a better night for you and yours!
See, this is what happens when you try and combine having fun with good mothering (and as we know the two are mutually exclusive). I avoid these problems by avoiding good mothering. As a result, neither of my children can swim, dance, play sports, play music, ride a bike…but at least I’m drunk a lot.
You’re right… The ballet concert is coming up and I have to be back stage for the entire time acting as my child’s “dresser”. There’s talk of hipflasks amongst the renegade mothers and I can see it could all go so easily wrong… Perhaps I should stay home with the hipflask and let my 5yo daughter dress herself?
There’s always an alternative if you don’t want to degenerate into bad mothering immediately. Send hubby.
Would love to see the pictures of that!
I had a proud Mother moment on cup day.
Popped a little bottle of Moet before lunch so that I’d be right in time for the school run. The school rings me to come and pick up Mr 6. Explained that I couldn’t as I’d been drinking champagne. Mother of the year I ain’t!
I’ve yet to be drunk on the school grounds. A tiny bit squiffy, perhaps, but never drunk. And I should clarify that I mean the school grounds of my son’s school. My own school grounds from my own school days is another thing all together.
Better to have Melbourne-Cupped than to not have Melbourne-Cupped at all. Reluctant striptease included.
Who said it was reluctant?
Impressive 🙂 Very actually – carrying child in heels major kudos.
See I KNEW there was a reason that I did not wear strapless clothing once my children were born. Even at this age I am wary. (Oh and I HATE going bra-less too – even those singlets with shelf bra make me feel a bit too naked and droopy)
Glad you had a good Melbourne Cup 🙂
Now you see THIS is why I shun social gatherings and mostly wear pyjamas all day.
I can sympathise. Kai is going through a phase where there is nothing more fun then feigning tiredness to sit on my lap in crowded places, then whipping up my shirt quicker than you can say “faded scabby nursing bra”, and then pointing and laughing loudly just in case anyone is missing the show.
I think my positive self-image is currently at 0.
Love you, love this post. Me and your halterneck had a deal that it would fail you just so you would have to write this post.
I feel for you. Not to the extent that I didn’t laugh really hard, but still…
[…] I was reading a post over on Not Drowning, Mothering about a halterneck dress, a grown ups party and a childrens dance class that made me laugh so hard […]
Oh god… this made me laugh so much! Due to several similar happenings I have outlawed anything remotely “booby” from my wardrobe now. And I’m glad it’s not just my child that does that climbing on you whilst you squat down thing… if I had £1 for every time she’s sent me flying, I would be a rich woman now!
This sounds like a scene out of a movie. In the movie, all those mums who’d opted to save themselves for the ballet class were quietly seething with jealousy at the clear evidence that you’d had a great time on Cup Day. At the end, there’s a great scene where they all let go of their inhibitions, throw off their tops in liberation and you lead them in a dance through the streets to a quirky soundtrack. I love it! It’s time you make a pitch to a major Hollywood studio. Seriously.
I’m giggling at the picture of you flopping about in dance class! I bet you were wonderful entertainment!
I don’t think that’s classy so much as it is KLASSY. With a K.
We, too, often find ourselves weighing the merits of skipping a kid activity versus continuing to make merry with the grown-ups.
Helloooooo there!
Well that was dang funny.
Totally realistic. As in something VERY SIMILAR may have happened to me. Once. Or twice.
May I email you a few questions for my Glamorous in Real Life award thingy?
THANKS
Ah, funny, cause it’s true. Am so happy to know I am not the only mother who prefers a good glass of bubbly to taking children to activities.
Class, pure class…
You have a talent in making the most horrible days seem funny.
You know, if you HAD worn a halter bra thing, that would just have ended up being exposed in the child-pulling-melee, and those contraptions are far less attractive than actual breasts. Especially the ones with fake transparent straps, all rubbery and odd.
So, anyway, hooray for your tits. World’s a better place for them! I always try and cop a glimpse whenever I can, frankly, so I’m hoping the halter neck will get a bit more action this summer.