Attention: Genghis Cat, Feline Overlord of [address omitted]
Dear Cat,
I am writing to remind you that, according to the pet registry at the local council, I am listed as your owner. Not the other way around.
Admittedly, however, I mustn’t be much of an owner. I mean, I’ve never felt the need to put a picture of you up as my facebook profile pic or get you to wear a Santa Hat on our Christmas cards or have your name tattooed on my arse. Also, I’ve certainly never felt the way cat food manufacturers obviously think I should feel – most of the cats featured on their packaging are giving me their best “Come Hither” eyes and others seem positively post-coital. Is this really how cat owners feel about their pets? If so, I’m sorry. I just don’t see you That Way. For one thing, whenever I try to pat you, you just bite me. Perhaps that’s your way of giving me some lovin’ but I can tell you now, Cat: I’ve no interest in becoming your S&M bitch-slave. It just ain’t my scene.
Anyway, now that I’ve reestablished the fact that I’m your owner, I would like to remind you of a few house rules:
Greetings
Please do not greet me at the door with an accusatory whine, as if continuing a previous argument right at the point where we left off (no doubt about the fact that I “never” feed you). In return, I will cease regarding you warily with a “Helllooooo, Genghis”, like I’m Jerry Seinfeld greeting his nemesis Newman.
Disposal of body parts
I may be wrong here but I think most serial killers attempt to tidy up after themselves a bit. Whilst it can be said that nothing heightens the hanging-out-the-washing experience more than standing barefoot on a mouse head, I’d prefer it if you could either eat your prey in its entireity or use one of the garbage receptacles provided.
Land rights
You have no legal claim over the spot in front of the heater. You therefore do not reserve the right to stalk, pounce upon, scratch or bite anybody standing in that spot, especially if they have just been outside in the cold, cleaning up bird entrails from the trampoline. My husband would also like it to be known that when he sits naked in front of the heater in the mornings (for reasons known only to himself), those things hanging down between his legs are not your sworn enemy.
Meal Times
When I refuse to feed you outside of designated feeding times, please do not sit right in front of me and proceed to elaborately groom your arsehole in protest. And, for the record, other cats the size of small ponies subsist on one cup of dry cat food a day without complaint. You receive the same PLUS two sachets of ‘wet food’, which costs more per gram than most fancy-pants French cheeses, and yet you never quit your bitchin’. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? If I served all your meals to you dressed in a gimp suit made entirely rubber and let you bite the crap out of me, would that make you satisfied? Would it? WOULD IT? Well, it ain’t gonna happen, Cat. It ain’t gonna happen.
Sheesh.
Your loving owner,
The NDM
Not Drowning, Mothering. 
Good luck with this. If you get any other than haughty disdain & more red hot claws up the leg, please let me know.
Pity the cat doesn’t read. As it is, I expect he will eat the letter and then throw it up on the loungeroom rug.
Possibly your best post yet. “elegantly groom your arsehole in protest” Favourite line this year closely followed by arse parading clown. I’m seeing a trend here. Gulp. 🙂
I wish I had written “elegantly groom” instead of “elaborately groom”. Wanna job as my editor? I’ll pay you in mice heads.
Unless Australian “wet” cat food is entirely different than American “wet” cat food and is made of lavender petals and angel kisses, your cat hates you because all the food he’s forced to eat smells like it came straight from Satan’s arse. It smells so bad, in fact, that I believe it might be the entire basis of his deep-seated hatred of humankind.
You raise a fair point.
My husband has a theory that one of the brands we buy is simply dry food with water added. I think he might be right.
Helps if I get my favourite line right, right? Elaborately grooming. 🙂
Shakespeare is misquoted all the time. I must be like Shakespeare. Just like him. Except alive.
ha ha ha ha!
I have nothing constructive to say – just laughing…!
great post!
I have nothing constructive to say in response except, perhaps, I know that you know my Cat Pain.
OMG you did it again – I need to change my underwear – just a little bit of wee in the midst of laughter … two kids, 47, not enough keegals *spelling? …
I lost it with the naked husband by the heater … oh lordy me so so funny.
I’m actually thinking that maybe my husband might like to don the rubber gimp suit, as long as it’s got adequate protection for his balls… He’s obviously into kinkier things.
PS. Sorry about the undies.
Love the tale of Genghis Cat and his – ahem – sworn enemy. He sounds smart. The cat, I mean. If Sworn Enemy were smart, he would put some clothes on, or at least wear a hector protector when warming his goolies. By contrast my cats are idiots, but I’m sure they will be fairly useful if I ever need surly cushions with sharp bits.
Pst – my cat Boonie hated my dad for reasons unknown, and Dad would always greet him with the Seinfeld/Newman “Helllloooo Boonie”.
“Surly cushions with sharp bits” made me laugh out loud. Not ‘LOL’, mind you. I don’t go there…
it might be time to badge your website: noLOL
What’s with the LOL aversion, NDM? I mean, your very name is an acronym. In any event, you are the rofflingest.
I have the same problem with my “lovely” cat. She just annoys me to bits, I’m always tripping over her when she stands under my feet demanding food that I refuse to give her. So when I don’t feed her she runs around the house clawing the furniture, on purpose.
I wish she would go on a nice holiday to the beach.
Genghis always trips me up and tries to go through the front door at the same time as I’m trying to push the Valco Mobile Home (our pram) into the house and then complains when his tail gets caught in the spokes. Go figure!
Can we borrow G-cat for a bit? We seem to have a small mouse problem and a decapitated mouse might act as a deterrent to the others that are probably planning to move in as I type.
Hey, aren’t your husband and child both violently allergic to cats? Is there another “problem” you’re trying to rid yourself of here that you want to talk about?
AAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!!!
Thank you so much!
What better gift to arrive home to than the last few posts from NDM?
But this one takes the mouse head!!
You’re welcome. Speaking of taking the mouse head, care to come over and take the one I just found near the back step?
Cats, why do we keep them? Although Ghengis does sound like he is doubling as a contraceptive (attacking the dangling bits) as well as a serial killer. Our cat has taken to vengance vomiting. Her last strike was to have a chuck in the exact spot I like to sit and feed our new baby. Will Ghengis be hiring Mr Justice to negotiate a binding agreement with you?
I originally thought of pointing out to Genghis that if anybody should regard “those” as a mortal enemy, it should be me, considering the children they’ve caused me.
As for Mr Justice being Genghis’ legal representative, I wouldn’t be surprised. They’d make quite a team. In fact, I’m sure they’re probably planning a hostile takeover of the loungeroom – Mr Justice would take the TV and the Wii and Genghis the heater.
Hilarious, the notion that one has been ’caused children’!
If the cat scratches a picture of Mary (you have the counter-Jesus bruise) on his sworn enemy, will you post of photo?
Or at least post a vegetable re-enactment?
I’ve always maintained that if you can’t say it with vegetables, it ain’t worth saying.
Watch this space.
Entrails. A visceral post. Bravo!
Just keepin’ it real, lewlewlewmanchu.
Just another reason why we have “our” cat live next door….
Smart. Very smart.
Oh dear – we at least have the invisicat – you know she is there because of the white hair on everything, you know she is there because of the keening at night when she dislikes her dry food, you know she is there because occasionally large *crash* in another room – usually something precious – and both the kids look startled.
I got her for company :s
The ‘Invisicat’? I can bet she’s out saving the world most of the day with a name like that. Pity she’s not as hellbent on saving your precious belongings.
My kitten will only eat Whiskas. If you try to fob off some other brand on her, she will meow plaintively until you give in. I also don’t need an alarm clock, as she always licks my face when she wants breakfast in the morning … usually around 5.30 am.
What a way to greet the day…
Thanks.. What a top notch post describes my fostered cat to a tee.
We’re both incredibly lucky people…
I once busted my cat toying with a live mouse. He looked at me, and then ate it. I heard its little bones crunching, and its tail was the last thing to disappear into his mouth.
Ah, the joys of pet ownership…
Why does anyone get a cat? Because they gave in – to the cuteness or the whining about food. Many times I’ve heard of people “owning” a cat because they fed it when it turned up whining on the doorstep.
Just say no and life will be calmer and cheaper and less sneezy. You can fulfill any requirements for cuteness at distance by finding all those cat websites, and I’ve yet to come across anyone with a requirement for whining!
S’funny… whenever I’ve turned up whining on a doorstep, the people inside have either pretended they’re not home or have pelted me with rocks.
Laughed so hard I choked.
Furball?
Don’t worry, I’m OK now.
Glad to hear it.
This is has taught me one thing: Never have a pet. Thank you.
Another gift I’ve given to you…
Having stepped on part of a dead lizard this morning, I may have to share this letter with my darling cats.
I have to say, I am SO glad I came across your site from the Bloggies page. You’re always good for a giggle, and this one really made me laugh out loud! We call our 2 cats “Kings of the Castle” because they obviously labor under the misconception that it is their house and we are their servants, awaiting on their collective beck and call. They, too, like to elaborately groom their arseholes, and it thoroughly disgusts me. Perhaps this could become a generic form letter for us all cat owners to be able to send to our cats?
But who the hell is going to teach these cats to read? (Glad I could give you some out-loud laughs and gladder still that at least one of my Bloggies Tourists has made a return visit)
We rescued a 3 year old male cat from the RSPCA. He has virtually taken over. The househod routine revolves around him, and like most cats, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He gets fed, has somewhere warm to sleep,and contributes nothing to the game of FETCH THE MINTIE WRAPPER, damnit !
FETCH THE MINTIE WRAPPER? You know how to have a good time in the Fendy household, don’t you…
As usual, the finger is quicker than the brain. Insert the letter l in household ! ………..
Whoops, my comment above should have read ‘the Fendy househod’.
We are poor ex self funded retirees. The Mintie wrapper is a very cheap toy. That damn cat is lucky he gets fed !
DH just asked what could possible be so funny:
“I’ve no interest in becoming your S&M bitch-slave.”
He’s still laughing too!
Here that click clacking? That would be me adding you to my blogroll so I don’t miss a thing!
Hey!!!
What have you got against putting Santa hats on cats in xmas cards? What, you’d prefer something more LOLcatz – “I can has xmas mouseyburger LOL!?!”
If it offends you, I’ll take my art elsewhere.
You are OFF THE LIST, sister!
This is a good idea. I’m going to type a letter to my fuzzy cat!
I think my cat has gone from a pesty dictator to an outright insane one. Fair enough, she is 16. But the yowling for no good reason, is starting to wear a little thin.