It was all a bit embarrassing, really. Facebook obviously wanted me to be friends with Hugh Jackman a helluva lot because every time I logged on, there he was, in my ‘Friend Suggestions’ feed. Every single time. No matter how many times I pressed the ‘Remove’ button, Facebook kept sending Hugh Jackman back to me.
After about a week of this, I finally thought “Fuck it! Maybe Facebook’s got it right this time! Maybe Hugh Jackman and I are meant to be friends!”. Also I was beginning to suspect that old Hugh must have been in a pretty lonely place if he was letting Facebook pimp him in this way.
So I sent Hugh Jackman a friendship request, along with the message that I was only asking to be his friend because Facebook was being so damn insistent about it and not because I loved him or anything because, quite frankly, the memory of his bare torso in the promos for Baz Luhrmann’s ‘Australia’ still gave me nightmares.
But no sooner had I clicked ‘Send Request’ than I received a message that Hugh had too many friends already.
Ha! It was like Facebook had deliberately set a trap to humiliate me. Or maybe the trap was set by Hugh, himself. He may even have been in league with the Literary Agent of International Renown. Yeah, that’d be right.
However, before I judged Hugh too harshly, I thought I should check if he was the real Hugh. After a quick search, I found myself faced with a grand total of 492 Hugh Jackmans. Now, either Hugh was spreading himself a little thin on Facebook OR only one was the Real Hugh and the rest were (gasp!) IMPOSTERS!
So I then did what any reasonable person would do. I decided to send friendship requests to all 492 Hughs because (and hear me out here) that way I’d be able to tell which one was the Real Hugh because he’d most certainly be the only one who didn’t accept my friendship request. Also I kind of fancied having 491 friends called Hugh Jackman. I don’t know why, but I did.
Anyway, I grew pretty bored with the whole thing after sending requests to only 18 of the Hughs. This was lucky because it also took me that long to realise I had just merrily given full access to my Facebook profile to at least 17 Hugh Jackman impersonators.
Of course, I immediately tried to retract my friendship requests but couldn’t find any way of doing this. It turns out celebrities (and celebrity impersonators) must have some kind of Special Status on Facebook because none of the obvious ways to retract my request would work. What’s up with that shit, Facebook? What if I’d put in a request to be a Jennifer Aniston impersonator’s friend and then she ran over my cat and refused to even apologised and I wanted to take the friendship request back because even to be friends with her for a second would be dishonour my cat’s memory? Sheesh!
Over on twitter, people were very quick to offer advice on how to retract a friendship request. They were so incredibly helpful and sympathetic. Many said they, too, had “been there”, no doubt thinking I was mourning my dead cat. I felt too embarrassed to tell them exactly where “there” was for me, having stupidly followed 18 Hugh Jackmans in less than five minutes without thinking of the consequences.
In the end, the only way I could get myself out of this pickle was by totally blocking each Hugh Jackman from my account to cancel out my friendship request (Thanks, McNazzle). Which means that I have now officially blocked a grand total of 18 Hugh Jackmans on Facebook. Result.
Of course, the chances are that one of those 18 will be the Real Hugh and I will have sabotaged all chances whatsoever of him and I ever being friends. And Facebook thought we’d be so good together…