When I was originally diagnosed with osteo-blah-blah-blah, the doctor I saw gave me two suggestions: take glucosamine and do the dishes.
“You ladies are lucky,” he said. “Your therapy is part of your work.”
Like washing dishes was automatically a woman’s work! Shuh!
Admittedly, though, it is technically this woman’s work in this house. Yes, I am the Domestic Dish Pig. Sometimes, as I feel like I stand at that friggin’ sink all day, washing dish after cup after splade after saucepan, pausing only to fix another meal for my rabidly hungry children.
The problem about the dishes, of course, is that they cannot be ignored – unlike laundry, which can be left for a couple of days until someone runs of out underpants or I lose one of the neighbour’s kids under one of the huge piles.
Anyway, after my recent weekend in Sydney, I had the worst flare-up of my osteo-blah-blah-blah in my right hand. It was only after a few days of being back home that the terrible truth hit me: I had been in such pain because I hadn’t had to dip my hands in warm soapy water for over 72 hours.
It was like the thing that I hated the most was the thing that saved me. How ironic! Stick that in your stupid song, Alanis. Because it’s actually ironic, unlike “rain on your wedding day”, which is merely unfortunate, or “ten thousand spoons when you just need a knife”, which is some kind of crazy spoon-invasion situation. I say to Alanis, “The spoons are coming! Get out of that damn cab and run, run for your life!”
Anyway, I decided I should see a doctor about my flare-up but couldn’t get an appointment for a few days. (See how smoothly I got out of that spoon-invasion scenario just then?)
While I was waiting for my appointment, I quickly discovered that the best way to forget about arthritic pain was to get a cold sore – it gave me something else to focus on. And the quickest way to stop worrying about the cold sore was to start developing one of those kaleidoscope-vision migraines. And the most effective way to transcend a migraine was to have one of your kids throwing up All. Night. Long.
And then the best cure for the whole damn lot was to drink lots and lots of champagne in honour of Australia’s first female Prime Minister.
On the morning that Julia Gillard took charge of the nation, I came home from the school run to find a message from the Mild-Mannered Lawyer insisting that I drop everything and join her and our friend MGK to drink champagne.
I looked at the time. It was less than hour and a half to my doctor’s appointment. Could I honestly go and talk to my doctor about my ailments after chugging champagne and risk her lecturing me on the perils of drinking before noon?
So I did what any responsible person with a sense of occasion would do: I canceled my doctor’s appointment, forgot about my persistent headache and my cold sore, left the dishes undone and hot-footed it over to the MML’s house, where we drank champagne and watched events unfold on the television for many hours.
And that afternoon, when I picked the kids up from school, I looked into the eyes of my small red-headed daughter and told her “You can do whatever you want to do!” and really truly meant it. It would seem that the position description for a woman’s work just got a whole lot broader.
Sorry to hear about the osteo-blah-blah-blah, the migrane, the kid puke and the rest. Good to know that champagne can cure all.
Wahooooooooooooooo!
And what champagne can’t cure, a good night’s sleep might help (especially after drinking lots of champagne…)
This post is awesomeness from start to finish.
Gee, shucks…
yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! indeed. I’m still punching the air almost 30 hours later.
I love this post, you’ve wrapped up so many ideas with a big red bow of win.
Also, I hope next week is less hurty and vomity.
Thanks, Spilt Milk. That means a lot coming from a writer like your good self.
I’m hoping next week is a better one, especially since it’s school holidays time… Eek!
Haha love it. Wish I had some champers to celebrate with. I was also proud when my daughter said: ‘So now a woman is the boss of Australia? Cool.’ And so it is.
I don’t necessarily agree with the way it was done etc, but it is really cool that we’ve come this far. Will be even cooler when her gender isn’t that big a deal. And as a redhead (sometimes) I love it even more. Redheads rule!
I agree that the feeling will be 100% better if she gets in by public vote. But I’ll settle for this for now…
I loved this. But I still hate doing dishes. Could Ms Gillard promptly pass a law making dirty dishes illegal? That might work.
I think that’d be a good start. Also, she could look into anti-discrimination against people inflicted with cold sores.
I think you may have just touched on something that has been eating away at me since about 1996. Alanis Fucking Morrissette. Who in the hell was behind that song? Oh my hatred for this song runs deep. A black fly in her Chardonnay? It’s just bad luck Alanis, bad luck.
OK, sorry I digressed, loved this and the feel good ending. My 10yo daughter was particularly chuffed yesterday without any prodding from me. 8yo son asked what happened and I quote “to the Ruddmeister”. I did not teach him that.
It was one of those days we’ll always go “I remember being blah blah blah when we got our first Female Prime Minister”. Yours will include champagne and good friends, which is awesome. x
I will also always remember talking about it with the elderly ladies in the local Op Shop – one of them, in her seventies, said she thought she’d never see it happen in her life time…
Alanis Fucking Morissette, indeed.
Fantastic post, as always. Love love love it. I had a couple of cries too, yesterday. Years ago I read our new PM’s maiden speech to parliament and thought ‘this chick rocks’. Indeed she does.Yay for first female PM, I just hope this country has the balls to actually vote for female PM. Joan Kirner’s fate keeps running through my head.
Kev’s speech made me cry. I felt particularly sorry for his son standing there behind him – it’s probably how I might have felt *had* I been in the room at the PTA meeting when my father asked why female masturbation wasn’t covered in the new sex education course.
Surely there is a better way of warming your hands than subjecting yourself to the dishes??? That is what husbands and dishwashers are for. You should be sitting in front of the TV with your hands in a bowl of hot water, and a bottle of champagne clamped between your legs with a convenient straw. When hubby has finished the dishes he can feed you chocolates. [Sorry, I sometimes find it hard to leave the happy place in my head, but maybe you can join me]
I am with Miss Bern M, I loved that you tackled the lack of irony in a fucking song that repeatedly asks ‘isn’t it ironic’, but fails to ever include the answer, ‘no, Alanis, no it isn’t’.
But I think I love that you hit the champers before noon even better!
I wish I’d been the first person to tackle Alanis on this matter, but since the song is over 15 years old, many have trod this road before me, making the very same observation I did that “rain on your wedding day” is merely ironic if you’re marrying a meteorologist who chose the location for your wedding based on the extensive studies he or she had done on rain patterns in the area.
You are braver than I NDM.
I had champers before noon on melbourne cup day and the school promptly rang and told me to come and collect my child who wasn’t feeling well.
I had to fess up that I’d be an hour or so because I’d been drinking.
As for the dishes, I have started paying the 6 year old to do them. I do have to mop the floor afterwards and rewash quite a few of the dishes, but in my mind, I don’t have to wash the dishes anymore.
If I gave up the dishes, I’d have no excuse to do other housework such as folding the fitted sheets. I mean, is that even possible?
I love the fact that you mentioned Splayds. Where would we be without them? Using forks AND spoons I guess.
Ironic? No, but interesting.
Man oh man, they’re actually called ‘splayds’? I’ve been using them all these years and never knew! I feel so… cheated.
I, too, say YES to the Alanis thing. In my first year out as a secondary teacher I had to teach the concept of ‘irony’ to my year 7s. I thought I would be uber-cool super teacher and incorporate popular music into the lesson plan.
That night I sat prepping the whole fricking thing based on that song and yep, listening to it made me realise that nothing she describes was ironic. Now isn’t *that* ironic? Or is it? I don’t know any more. *sigh*
And yay your spelling of ‘shuh’! Awesome. Now can you spell the “I dunno’ grunt my 9yo daughter does – accompanied by nonchalant shoulder shrug? I fear it is unspellable.
But on the subject of daughters, yep mine was thrilled when I told her we had the first female PM. “In the WORLD!’ she said. Which was an opp for a lesson on UK, NZ and Pakistani politics. Yay – all before the lunches were packed.
A good day was had by all. 🙂
(top post as usual)
Apparently Alanis herself has passed off the fact that nothing in the song is ironic as the ultimate irony.
And you can’t beat a good history lesson before you’ve packed the lunches – as long as it’s not before your first coffee of the day, that is. Shuh!
Love your work. Beautiful writing as ever. Did you know that the fantastic Julia is originally from Barry Island, home of Gavin and Stacey? Tidy. Lush.
As for “Alanis Fucking Morrissette” (nice one, Bern) don’t even get me started. Someone give her a dictionary for fuck’s sake.
Your doctor’s appointment/champagne dilemma reminds me of the time I went to the doctor by way of the recycling bank with the empties. One of the beer bottles wasn’t empty so in tipping it in the high slot its contents trickled down my sleeve and up my arm. I ended up in the crowded waiting room at 8.45am STINKING of beer. Not good.
Sure, you were on your way to the ‘recycling bank’. That’s the most inventive name for a pub I’ve ever heard.
(Thanks for the compliment and your unwavering support. Unless, of course, you’re just being nice to me so my kids don’t vomit on you when we’re on snow holiday…).
When I win the $50 million Oz Lotto next week I’m so paying someone to come over to your house daily and give you a manicure & hand massage in warm soapy water. Once they finish, they’ll wash the dishes. They’ll bring Champagne.
Oh, I like the sound of those people. Very very much. I look forward to your $50 million win.
I love it! Yes, women can do whatever they like, including dumping it all to drink champagne. You are an inspiration!
Yes, Kylie L, I did some mighty fine role-modeling of my own on that day.
Champagne can contain lysine* which is a known agent for treating cold sores.
I love your use of the term ‘can contain’. Keeps it all nice and loose for ensuing law suits.
Do you think that perhaps it is ironic that her song about irony isn’t actually about irony? Maybe she really thought this one through. I’m not prepared to throw the towel in on this one. You should follow my lead, with the tea towel.
Anyone remember that scene in Reality Bites, where Winona Ryder’s character is asked to define irony? And then Ethan Hawke just nails it later? “It’s when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning”.
I have retired to my bed with the shock of yesterday’s events. I am a big champagne drinker, but it was all too much for me. I do wish I had a daughter though to celebrate with yesterday. I did share some moments via text and email with my Mum and my Nana. Yes, my Nana emails!
Whoops, that’ll teach me to answer comments before reading all of them.
Yes, I concur with your reading of Alanis’ landmark song. She was much much cleverer than any of us ever supposed. Which is why she went out with Lance Armstrong. Although, now that I think about it, that was Sheryl Crow who went out with Lance Armstrong so really, Alanis was much much MUCH cleverer than any of us ever supposed.
Well, I can’t say I had champagne, but I did strap the young one onto the bike and zoom zoom zoomed down the hill over the bridge to university (to see the ducks) yelling “WOOO HOOO, we have a female prime minister, you probably don’t even understand what that means, but WOOO HOOO”. To some very strange looks from cyclists going in the other direction.
WOOO HOOO!
It was positively un-Australian to NOT shout out Woooo Hoooooo yesterday, with or without a bottle of champagne already under your belt.
Wonderful post. Kind of like the way I felt when the U.S. elected our first black President. It was truly a “cancel appointments and celebrate” kind of day. Unfortunately, the euphoria passes and reality seeps in later and you realize that the world is still kind of crappy and there are way too many ignorant people around and you are more enlightened than most, sadly. But, for those few moments of glory, hope reigns supreme. I love that you have priorities and know when to take a moment with friends. Oh, and I hope you feel better right away. You deserve it!
Come what may, nobody can take away that stolen day of drinking champagne with my friends.
I guess if every day was as wonderful and hopeful as that, I’d suspect I’d died and gone to live in a Disney film.
lol yeah isn’t it ironic that Alanis didn’t look up the meaning of the word ‘ironic’ before she penned her song?
keep drinking the champers in honor of your new PM!!!
It’s good to have an excuse to keep drinking champagne. In fact, I’m going to print your comment out and keep it in my wallet in case I ever feel the need to start drinking at 10:30 in the morning again.
I am really repecting how you linked together osteo blah blah, dishes, Alana and the new PM. No wonder you have a headache.
Thank you! What can I say? My mind moves in mysterious ways, even when I have a headache.
NDM–
This is one of the greatest posts I’ve ever read. (I’ve only been blogging since January, but hey, I’ve read a lot of friggin’ posts!)
Thanks for the laugh and the very important note of seriousness. Now I’m going to spread the word to my Twitter friends!
Thank you so much, Jana. I really appreciate the compliment.
Oh it was a wonderful wonderful day! A fellow school mum and I tried to ignore all four children in our care to watch the live coverage. I didn’t even think champagne…very clever.
You had four children in your care and you didn’t think about champagne??
If Julia wins the next federal election, hopefully you’ll remember.