Some of us learn the hard way that handling an iPhone while drunk is a big responsibility.
‘Mr C’, August 26th, 2010
The Mild-Mannered Lawyer and I recently found ourselves out at an art gallery opening, both of us with access to a free bar and to twitter. (Yes, I have an iPhone, now, don’t you know – thanks to my dear friend Uncle B.)
Turns out it was too hard to tweet *and* hold a glass of wine at the same time, so that somewhat curtailed both activities. In the end, the worst thing that happened was I later took this photo at a pub and posted it on twitter with the caption “I don’t know what the cowboy is doing to that animal but I suspect it’s naaaasty”:
See? Not too bad. Not too bad at all.
Unlike last Friday night. An impromptu end-of-term catch-up at the house of The Fabulous Miss Jones well and truly answered the question of ‘how much alcohol is too much alcohol’ and the answer was ‘that much’. Unfortunately I don’t know how much ‘that much’ was because I was too damn drunk to keep count of my drinks.
I asked my husband the next morning if I’d been too embarrassing.
“No, not at all,” my husband – who, as the skipper, had remained sober – said. “You were just having a bit more fun than everyone else.”
And indeed I was. I got into the Fabulous Mister Jones’ music collection and started busting a move in the kitchen. For the record: dancing to the songs of your youth when you’re drunk is a bit like chewing gum with your mouth open – it feels a lot cooler than it actually looks.
In the middle of all this, I remembered I had an iPhone.
“I might just see what the good people of twitter have to say for themselves!” I announced to the room. And nobody stopped me. Nobody.
Friends do not let friends go on twitter when they are drunk.
Okay, so I might not have expressed my intention to go on twitter quite that articulately (it was probably more like “I jussshhhhttt urgh, um, twitter!“), but I did pull my iPhone out of my pocket and start looking at it, shortly after having sung my heart out to Foreigner’s ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is ‘. If that doesn’t cry out for some kind of intervention, I don’t know what does.
Anyway, on twitter, I discovered I had made an error in my post that day by crediting one twitter friend (love_kt) with another twitter friend’s comment (cookingkt). Looking at this with the kind of clarity that drinking your body weight in champagne can give you, I decided that this was the worst possible thing I could have done to a person. Ever.
In my pain, I hit twitter big time with the following tweets:
Of course, I thought at the time I was being charmingly conciliatory, but turns out I was doing the twitter equivalent of Bernard Black’s ‘Belly Savalas‘ impression.
And then I moved on to Facebook. Yes, Facebook. Luckily, all I managed to do was post an “I’m drunk. Deal with it.” status update before just lying on The Fabulous Miss Jones’ couch and letting the great world turn. I didn’t start hassling my highschool friends by posting comments like ‘Nice tits!’ on photos of their pets. Nor did I manage to share links to clown porn sites.
But I so easily could have.
Yes, it could have been much much worse. Which is why next time, I’m installing an app on my iPhone that turns the phone off the minute my blood alcohol level reaches a certain level. Oh, and also short-circuits any hi-fi equipment within a twenty metre radius in case of dancing or singing.
I think it’s best for everyone.
drunk tweeting is ok – as long as those tweeting with you know that you are on the turps. mine always look like this
@woogsworld bkoofy tONY abbti is onthe tvv agona
Sounds like a good night – I need an iPhone app to tell me not to eat a dirty kebab from a vendor attached to a servo on the way home xo
Perhaps if your phone could give you little electric shocks whenever you say the word ‘kebab’??
BTW, I love the word ‘bkoofy’. I’m going to try to use it more often.
You’re a gold standard Aussie Legend, NDM. No guts, no glory.
Why, thank you, Mr Triv. I’m not entirely sure if there is any glory in what I achieved but at least I didn’t vomit my guts up.
Hmmm a breathalyzer app. Brilliant.
Well, there SHOULD be an app for that. Goodness knows I could’ve used it myself a few times. Think of all the texts, posts and tweets of shame that could be so easily avoided!
Once again, I prove I’m an Ideas Person. Although, I’ve heard that there is an app you can get that you enter each alcoholic drink you have and it calculates your blood alcohol level according to your height and weight.
However, I need the app to A) tell if I’m lying to it about how much I’m drinking and B) automatically turn itself off if my finger-action becomes too erratic.
Need the alcohol app for Ebay as well… A good chunk of today will be spent driving to the other side of Melbourne to pick up last nights purchases.
Clown porn?? Really? Each day you open my eyes to a strange new world NDM.
This is why I don’t have an iphone. Because I would not be able to stop at ‘I’m drunk and confused’. Not at all. You are very restrained NDM, very restrained indeed. Clear-headed almost.
Actually, the truth is, if you were to look at all my tweets over that 24 hour period, the ones I did when drunk were probably the most coherent…
Good God, woman, if you don’t get that blood alcohol detector app for iPhone developed Right. Frigging. Now. then I may end up with another list of tweets like those of last night, following entire long afternoon at pub….
# Forgot pic in last tweet. http://yfrog.com/jya3yij about 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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This is my homemade butter. After it butterified I added salt, evoo, garlic and herbs. Then whipped again. Making bread for it now. about 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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Have taken drugs, sculled water, sipped wine, made pasta and mad freaking HOMEMADE bUTTER!! I rock. about 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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I just made sexy butter. I am a broken goddess of dairy. http://yfrog.com/bd750kj about 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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@fifi_labelle1 I know how farked my spine is. If it felt unusual I would go to E R but this is fairly normal for me. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to fifi_labelle1
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@WPSpecialists Daughter asked me to Show her how to do it. #epicfail about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to WPSpecialists
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Neighbour nurse checked. Ankle Not broken at all. Just sprained and bruised. Will live. I heart my neighbours. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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No more drunken scootering for me!!! about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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@ElizabethIAm Nah. Is just all bruised. I don’t do ER unless dying. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to ElizabethIAm
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@WPSpecialists Yes. Can still tweet. May never walk again, bit can tweet. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to WPSpecialists
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@SeraphimSP Am in mucho pAin. Ankle was fracked to start with. Now really hurts. Major scooter fail. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to SeraphimSP
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I think ankle may be broken. Lower back also buggered. Can’t walk. Can’t move. This is bad, no? about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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So I just fell off scooter. Have possibly broken just about every bone in my body. Child singing Abba. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
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@dellysdays Pub is going off!!
Me being me, it took me a while to work out that the tweets read backwards. I thought you’d made your ‘sexy butter’ before you’d hurt your back-slash-ankle and that you’d ridden your scooter home from emergency and gone straight to the pub…
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
sexy and mad freaking homemade butter? drunken scootering? I miss all the fun tweets. Your effort certainly makes The NDM look like she was sober and sensible.
By the way, what is ‘evoo’?
i that cowboy tackling a calf or a chick ?
hawt.
I think this painting is what is known as ‘cowboy porn’. If only it was set at a rodeo with one of those rodeo clowns running about, then it could have been ‘cowboy clown porn’…
The best thing about your posts is always that I can say after reading them “Thank God It’s Not Just Me”. You have no idea how important that is.
Hope the hangover wasn’t too big an investment. x
Let’s just say the hangover lasted longer than the embarrassment of having danced and sung and tweeted. Which is a good thing, I guess.
There’s clown porn?
There is. A friend of mine introduced me to the concept a few years ago. It disturbed me to my very core.
Whatever you do, DO NOT google ‘clown porn’, I beg you!
I just want you to now tweet the links that spammers post here when they come looking for the “clown porn” LOL
I bet they’ll post in cyrillic. All the best spammers do…
Hey at least u didn’t do Cabumbo and to the toilet in their arm chair – small mercies.
True! If I *had* posted the clown porn links on Facebook, that surely would have been the Cobumbo-equivalent, right?
My friend next door and I just drank lots o red wine and watched Bridget Jones Diary and I’m not on Twitter….should I just step aaway?
Ah, Bridget Jones… Imagine what she would have gotten up to if she’d been on twitter? As it was, I struggled to see how she updated her diary so often when completely drunk.
Ok, light of day now. I meant to type “I am on Twitter”. This likely means I should not drink & type, period.
Oh boy, I’d have loved to see Bridget Tweeting!
Why is it that people who are pissed feel the need to tell the world? We have a friend who does that. “I’m pissed”, she gurgles while lying on the floor. Oh sorry, apart from the rank smell of stale chardonnay, I thought you were just tired………Disclaimer- I too, have been known to fall off foot paths.
Oh, I wouldn’t annoy you at all, then. I’m constantly reassuring people I’m *not* drunk, even when I am.
Oh I do like ready your blog it never fails to make me laugh how funny
It’s good to know that my drunken antics aren’t in vain!
oh no please don’t get that app. I have no life, I never go out, i live vicariously through other peoples drunken tweets 😀
Well, that and if no-one else is drunk tweeting I’m going to look like a real tw*t
That’d never happen. We’d all assume, because of the time difference between Lapland (well, Finland) and here, that you had just woken up.
You *KNOW* I am the worlds greatest advocate for #DrunkTweeting#DrunkTexting #DrunkDMs and the like!! :p
But you do it with style, you see? We should probably get drunk together and you could coach me…
See for me the trouble starts … well … just any old time really.
I don’t need to be pissed to get started.
Sadly.
Especially for my kids.
Who find me embarrassing.
Except for when they’re really proud of me.
Which is usually when I drop an f-bomb or similar.
I just have to say hello to my son in the school grounds to embarrass him. How embarrassing to have a mother who says ‘Hello’!
Next time, I’ll dance up and down to Wham’s ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’ outside his class and he’ll be relieved the next time I just say ‘Hello’.
That’s my girl
See? My own mother is proud of me….
I must say, NDM, as the recipient of one or two (or 7) of those sodden and heartfelt apologies, it was quite entertaining. And as the recipient of quite a few vodkas myself, I can’t have been much better!
Looking forward to the next installment of drunkenness – just keep me away from the Bon jovi!
Next time I have to apologise to you (and there *will* be a next time, won’t there), I’ll know to do it with Bon Jovi…
You may no longer need them for your car, but perhaps you could use some P plates for your iPhone? You know, for society’s sake.
Brilliant. The P plates would completely cover the screen and stop me from embarrassing myself.
Not too surprisingly, you’ve taken my idea and improved on it. You really are An Ideas Person.
Aussie Bloggers Conference is going to be so much fun next year. Will they lock up all the iPhones as we start dinner or will there be a room full of drunken tweeting bloggers?
Since I don’t have an iPhone and therefore can’t incriminate myself over the interwebz while at the conference, I must say I’m looking forward it all. Sadly, I’ll never know if I have the drunken tweeting mojo. *sigh*
Get an iPhone Susan
We can take turns on mine, Susan. I’m counting on the fact your drunken tweets will be more coherent than mine will…
That’s an app that many people need. Imagine the money to be made from it!
Indeed! With all the revenue I raise, I could hire another (sober) person to manage my iPhone (and my tweeting) for me.
too funny for words!! There is no way I will ever have an iphone because I would tweet really bad things to people while I was ratarsed like my kids teachers : ‘Hey why don’t you stop dying your hair orange you’re not pippi longstocking’ or to other women i know like: ‘I saw you with a man not your husband necking in the park I’m watching you biatch’
no way I am ever going near twitter drunk
Well at least u didn’t get so drunk you had to let ur partner take ur kids home from party with you passed out on a kids bed the night bfore fathers day. And I spent that evening having drunken emotional deep and meaningful conversations confessing things I had quite sensibly kept to myself for yrs. Absolutely mortifying, havnt touched alcohol since, too scared
I hear ya. http://firingonallsyllables.com/?p=5 I’m just relieved Twitter wasn’t around during my teenage years. Yikes.