It goes without saying that I’m extremely popular. I get a lot of emails. Like a lot a lot. And increasingly, more and more of them are like this:
Hi there,
I came across your site and thought it was neat! I was wondering if you
offer any advertising opportunities? Please let me know if you do, I have a
client that might like to advertise on your site.
Thanks,
Lindsay
I like to respond to such emails in the following way:
Dear Lindsay
I’m thrilled that someone finds my site ‘neat’. Most people use words
like ‘appalling’, ‘slovenly’ and ‘extremely alarming’.
I’m curious to know what kind of advertiser would want to associate
itself with a site in which an inflatable Brad Pitt wears a beard made
of pubic hair, topics such as anal grooming are discussed openly and
grown women wearing half a bird on their head attempt to
prostitute themselves at the races in order to get free drinks.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
The NDM
Funnily enough, I have yet to hear back from Lindsay – or any others of her ‘ilk’.
Then the other day I got a personal email from a PR chick at Ikea Australia, making me an “offer I couldn’t refuse” regarding their recently launched loyalty scheme called “The Ikea Family”. It’s the kind of thing that makes you worry you’ll wake to find a horse’s head in your bed upholstered in ‘Snöa Flinga’ fabric.
Turns out it really was an offer I couldn’t – or rather, didn’t want to – refuse.
In the interests of full disclosure, I know this PR chick well – I like the cut of her jib. I have gone drinking with her. I let her beat me at online Scrabble. I even gave our mutual friend JS an inadvertent vibrator in her presence.
However, this is not a good enough reason for me to ‘sell out’. After all, I generally don’t play the ‘blogger game’. I don’t run giveaways (although I’m making an exception for the lovely ladies at Cocktails At Naptime in a week or so), I don’t do product reviews or even take part in blogging memes. I just keep writing away in my little ivory blogging tower – although it’s more brown than ivory because I’ve failed to clean it for a few years.
The fact was there is something about Ikea that I really like. There’s the promise of cheerful livable storage solutions in extremely small spaces. My house is currently small and cheerful. But there is nothing livable about it. And most of our storage solutions involve shoving things under the bed.
Also, the words ‘goody bag’ may (or may not) have been mentioned.
“How big is the goody bag?” was my first question when I spoke directly to my Ikea-based friend. “Can it, say, fit a flat-packed kitchen??”
Apparently not. Still, a girl can dream.
So here’s the deal: Ikea are sending a car to drive me and my three children to Ikea where they’ll give me a personalised tour of the store while my children play it up big in SMÅLAND. We will then dine together in the Ikea restaurant on meatballs, mash and (my personal fave) lingonberry sauce (I don’t know what a lingonberry is, exactly, but I like its work) before being returned home. With my goody bag.
The kids are particularly excited about ‘SMÅLAND’. And so am I. One friend said her son absolutely loved going there but that she, herself, was a bit suspicious about the fact that they made her check him in at one desk and then pick him up from another. She suspected they might “process” him in some way between the two desks.
“They probably flat-pack him and then reconstruct him with an Allen key,” I remarked. “I bet he’s returned to you better than ever, though – you know, he probably has that serene feeling you get after you’ve had a spinal readjustment at the chiropractor.”
So yes, I’m extremely excited at the prospect of my children being serene.
And to be frank, I’m extremely excited about my goody bag (did I mention there was going to be a goody bag?). I particularly look forward to watching Sven, the handsome Swedish handyman who will obviously be one of the ‘goodies’, construct my brand new kitchen in a single evening while I sit back and drink lingonberry Schnapps. (Again, a girl can dream, right?).
Anyhoo, I just thought I should warn you all that I’ll be writing about my initiation into the “Ikea Family” one day soon. If anyone has any objections to me pimping my blog this way, please let me know and I’ll reassess the situation – after I’ve digested my meatballs, that is. Oh, and seen how handy Sven is with that Allen key of his…
I love the Ikea (I mean, idea) of you rocking the profiteering! And being a big fan of the Swedish shop of all things lovely and organised I am curious about what it means to be an Ikea family.
As it happens, my boys frequently ask me to go play at Small Land so I know there is definitely something sneaky going on there. However, seeing as they are still keyed up like cymbal-banging monkeys on speed, I doubt it has anything to do with serenity.
But you can still dream…
(*Sigh*) I thought that might be the case after smashing each other with plastic balls for an hour and I wouldn’t count mild concussion as a state of “serenity”…
I love your non-commercial stance on your blog, NDM, and I must say I am a little saddened when I see others whom I adore succumb to the filthy lucre. But that’s their thing and I’ll still respect them in the morning.
Can you please ask Sven to pop over to my place with 7 or 8 Billy bookcases?
Secretly, I’ve been keeping myself clean in the hope that, one day, a major publication and/or publisher would start paying me to write elsewhere and I could preserve my blog as a kind of ad-free, commercial pressure-free haven.
But alas.
I’m takin’ my goody bag with my head held high, my dear Carol. I’ve earned it after 466 unpaid blog posts…
Confession – I’ve never been to Ikea. Maybe one day I will and then I’ll “get” it. Maybe 😀
An Ikea virgin! A real life Ikea virgin!! I’ve heard they exist but I’ve never met one…
I don’t think you are selling out. I think this is kind of different and, well, Sven, Meatballs & Allen Keys are, well so Ikea. Ikea is a religion and we can look at this like you are just looking for meaning in life and sharing your experiences on finding your religion. Peace. Namaste. Meatballs.
Yes! A spiritual quest to find myself when lost in the one-way system in the Ikea Marketplace! Thank you for making my sell-out moment so… so… noble.
You go girl! And bring me back some skum (jelly sweeties in Ikea-land)!
… which just confirms my belief that the Ikea marketing department are either all on drugs or speak a completely different language like, say, Swedish.
If I added up the hours I’ve spent in IKEA I think it may be the age of my youngest child. I’ve done IKEA in Malaysia, Dubai, Canada, USA and Australia. Don’t be embarrassed. Shout it loud, shout it proud and get some gravy with those meatballs!
Thank you, Kirsty. That’s a pretty impressive Ikea CV. Did you name your child after the Vanvik bed he/she was no doubt conceived in?
Hi NDM,
I’m primarily a regular reader because I love ur writing- poignant, blunt, hysterical. I’m also an agency rep who has emailed u about about advertising (@ emitch), and u kindly replied.
While it’s every bloggers personal choice to accept advertising or not, I think it’s sad some people see accepting advertising only as ‘selling out’. We all know being a full time mum is the equivalent of two and a half full time jobs (if not more), after so many ‘mummy bloggers’ working their butts off for their kids we should be applauding the fact that they could receive money for doing what they do. Yes, stories about boogers and nappy explosions-bring it on!
In the current market social media space is
king, regardless (to an extent) of content.
Love ur work, and here’s to u (and other mums) benefitting from ur parenting tales 🙂
p.s. To all those receiving advertising enquiries- be kind to ur friendly neighbourhood agency/media/pr rep- all to often we are just minnows at the bottom of the advertising food chain being yelled at by unreasonable clients who are demanding to be presented with the Next Big Thing that will channel engagement and interactivity through the power of community discourse (ahem blogs)..
Dear beej,
I remember your email well. And I took the time to write a kind reply because you had actually taken the time to read my blog and consider the actual possibilities.
‘Lindsay’, however, has clearly not read my blog. For one thing, the only personalised reference to me or my blog was in the subject title (“Advertising Opportunities On notdrowning.wordpress.com?”). I don’t think she even bothered to look up my actual blog title.
I don’t mind form letters – as long as they’re not pretending to be anything other than what they are. To say she’d come across my site and thought it was ‘neat’ (*holds hand to mouth and coughs “Bullshit!”*).
So by “her ilk”, I meant spammers in all their guises. For that email was spam, baby. Spammety-spam!
Love
The NDM
I’d sell my right arm for a goody bag.
Ooh! I might just get your right arm in *my* goody bag!
I say sell out and make some money (although with a partner who has a digital advertising business I guess I would, wouldn’t I?) But I have absolutely no link to Ikea, if we exclude the fact that I’m currently sitting on Ikea chairs, eating my cereal that I poured from an Ikea container and drinking tea from an Ikea tea cup….and I’m like Big Kev – I’m EXCITED to read about your upcoming Ikea trip. May the goody bag be filled with clever storage solutions.
Aw, thanks, VCA. Nice to know someone is looking forward to my Ikea post.
Did you notice I named my dream Swedish handyman after the pet (toy) duck when we dressed as vikings for some uni event? I remember I lost that duck and had to put up a poster that said something like “Lost: Vun Duck. He is going by the name of Sven!”
Ah, memories.
This comment and many of the others had got me thinking – since Ikea seems to be furnishing so much of our world, what if it is actually like The Matrix and this *special* visit is really going to be something involving some creepy mechanical arachnids and an induction into an alternate universe (or whatever the hell happened in that film). In which case Sven will have very un-Scandinavian black hair and be wearing PVC; his Allen key is also likely to be sonic. Does that work for you?
Oh your poor plumbing is about to get an absolute hiding, courtesy of those meatballs… that’s the only yuk thing about your post. That and the children with candlesticks from their noses lying face down in the ball pits
Worry not! I have an Eastern European constitution. I can eat a kilo of potatoes, meat and sauerkraut and still have room for streudel.
I’ve never been to Ikea. I’m feeling a little sheltered.
Yet another Ikea virgin! I’m all agog now. AGOG, I TELLS YA!
We absolutely love Ikea!!! We have the Trofast toy storage system and the Billy book case AND the Stolmen wardrobe system AND the funny hats the kids like to wear. So really any marketing spend is wasted on us because we are already hooked and all my spare budget is already destined for their coffers.
We are a fan of the “Ikea sting” – whereby we wait till all the daytime shoppers have gone (about 7pm) and run in, grab what we need, eat a very cheap but yummy dinner, and get out by 8pm, (don’t forget the take home meatballs and ligonberry jam of course), home for bed at 8:30pm – no crowds and I don’t have to cook!
Have a blast NDM – I’m green with envy!
I once had a friend who could walk into a house and identify all the Ikea furniture by name. Are you like that by any chance?
I like your style re: the ‘sting’. Clever. Very, very clever.
Honey, I’d go just for the meatballs and lingonberry sauce.
To die for…
Thank you, Jodie. I’d go just for the meatballs and lingonberry sauce – as long as Sven served them off his bare buttocks, I mean his Trivsam serving platter.
Just re-read that and realised how unwise it would be to eat meatballs served from someone’s bare buttocks.
Eww.
You go, girl! I love Ikea. All my kids have full Ikea bedrooms, and I’m about to get a new catalogue
*rubs hands together in anticipation*
The catalogue is like storage porn. My favourite bits are the fabrics. How I love that Ikea 70s floral aesthetic! And then I read what they’re actually called and my happiness is complete. Those crazy Ikea names are gold. Pure gold.
The fun of Ikea; Skum, Smegg and finding Swedish meatballs in the ball-pit by the kids furnishing. All those crazy umlaut things.
Try and pinch some pencils while you’re being shown around.
There really should be more umlauts, don’t you think? And I think the fact that there isn’t an umlaut in the actual word “umlaut” is a gross oversight on someone’s behalf.
All I can say is “Beware”. I have been lost in that store for hours. Yes. Hours. And I don’t mean ‘lost’ in that tiptoe-though-daisy-dreamland-with-Sven sense… unfortunately.
There is only one way in – it is spacious and obvious and enticing. But there is only one way out as well and that is in an dark and obscure corner past the checkout.
There is no short-cut to the checkout – only a long and winding maze through lounges, bedrooms, entertainment spaces and every conceivable permutation of the humble box. You have to meander through bathrooms, whether you give a shit or not. You have to peruse kitchenware whether you have the apetite or not.
“Thou shalt view and admire every corner of the warehouse store or ye shall perish within” is the motto.
So while they are adjusting your kids, try to keep your wits about you, lest we lose our beloved NDM to the modular moguls completely.
Nadine
It has been a few years since I’ve managed to get to an Ikea but I think most of them, you can cut straight to the Marketplace somewhere near the entrance and then onto the check-outs. However, once you’ve entered that one-way system, you’re in for the duration…
I think that’s why there is only ever one Ikea per city. It’s not a ‘drop in, run in/run out’ shop. It’s a ‘destination’ shop. A whole day event, like a trip to the zoo or the museum.
.. or in my husband’s case, the pub.
As a former employee who has escaped one of the giant fuhrerbunkers let me just warn you – allen keys come in two sizes – small and large. Make sure you get the large.
Also, lingonberry are the berries that grow outside the Lingon Orphanage in Romania, picked by the orphans after their ten hour shifts making christmas-goats-of-straw. I’m not making this up.
http://www.ikeafans.com/home/tag/yule-goat.html
Long live Ingvar Kampard! (You can take an employee out of IKEA, but you can’t take IKEA out of the employee).
That would be true if Ingvar Kampard had an ‘e’ in his name…
Are you intimating that Sven might have a small Allen key? It’s what he does with it that counts, AnIdleDad, surely…
Correct me if I am wrong, but didn’t I see a sneaky little link to a new chocolate bar in one of your recent posts? I may be mistaken as I did have 2 weeks of no choc & was obsessing so much even the baby’s dirty nappy looked like melted Lindt 🙂
You don’t miss a trick, do you?
Yes, there was a link to the Cadbury’s new ‘Bar Of Plenty’ a while back.
I was not, however, paid (or even asked) to do that by Cadbury’s Australia. And, indeed, when I told them (on twitter) that I’d mentioned it and shared my hopes and dreams that they would team together with Coles Online and deliver a semi-trailer of the good stuff to my home, they were not forthcoming.
(*sad face*)
I kinda think that people that call bloggers sellouts for making money off their writing are probably just pissed they are working so hard for free: WHY ISN’T ANYONE NOTICING ME?
Although I would never write about something I didn’t use or believe in. And I’ve actually never done a giveaway or review on my site.
But I do have an ad or two.
And I don’t care whether someone reviews all over their blog. I may not read them if that’s all they write about, but if they are able to keep readers? More power to them.
Also I’m just waiting for IKEA to call me.
Truth be told, one of the reasons I have never reviewed any products is because nobody has ever asked me to. I think they’re mostly afraid I will use the term “arse clown” and tell an amusing anecdote about how my kids vomited all over the product…
You had me at “free food”.
Also “meal for my children that I did not have to cook”, right? ‘Cause that sealed it for me.
Oh yes, not cooking. That is definitely all the persuasion I need.
Goody bag?!?! How can you NOT go xxx
The thought that Sven might go to another blogger’s house with *my* flat-packed kitchen terrified the crap out of me…
I love Ikea but only when I can get them into the Ikea ballroom while I go crazy rummaging around their giant score. Meatballs are a bonus but I have yet to encounter a Sven. Can you send him over when you are finished with him? I have some flatpacks that definitely need his Allen Key.
Suddenly the word ‘flatpacks’ seems so… dirrrrrtyyyy.
I’ve turned dirty sell-out. Sure, it kind of felt bad, but eating roll ups and having the resulting fat covered up by my fat sucking heans really eased the pain.
I freaking love Ikea. My only problem is that I was to pick up one room and totally transplant it directly into my house. And I totally screwed myself over last time we went by revealing my daughter was over 8 and therefore, not being allowed into Smallland. Won’t be doing *that* again.
jeans. heans are so last year.
Eek, my eldest is only just 8.
I like to think “Over 8” = 9 years old. At least, that’s my interpretation and I’m sticking to it…
Hey, I wonder if I start blogging, if Fender will give me one of their guitars. { A Telecaster would be nice, thanks} After all, I’ve been advertising their brand as my avatar name for years, and not so much as a phone call. AND I already have two Allen keys, so I’m good to go…….. 🙂
Two Allen keys? Good to go?? Do Fenders come flatpacked?
Fully assembled, my dear NDM. The Allen keys are for doing all sorts of fine adjustments, like neck pitch and action height, but you really didn’t want to know that, did you…….. 😉
I think advertising is great if you believe in the product… like, REALLY believe in it. And in-text references are so much less offending to the eye than google adsense junk.
I also believe in full-disclosure. As in full “Too Much Information Won’t You Please Just Shut UP” disclosure.
Tsk. Being a mere three (or maybe 4) hour drive from Sweden (incidentally where our nearest Ikea is and the reason I haven’t been to one in over 6 years) it seems rather odd that they didn’t offer to drive me for this free have-someone-else-look-after-your-children-whilst-you-shop day, sorry, I mean blogging PR opportunity.
I could have done with a new flatpacked-kitchen-and-Swedish-Adonis-to-assemble-it goody bag, too.
Clearly my invite is lost in the post and car will be arriving any minute, yes?
*sits staring expectantly out of the window like an over excited puppy waiting for his master to come home*
I say “Drive to Ikea. Picket their offices, demanding that they send a car to pick you up immediately! And then, once they’ve agreed (they seem to be pretty amenable sorts), drive home to wait for the car to drive you back.”
Sorted.
my husband and I would check the kids into small land and then go have a date at the cafe 🙂 A ramble through the showrooms and maybe a purchase of an ice cream scoop woudl complete it. We were very sad when my oldest passed the “maximum height allowed” mark.
Cinnamon buns and $1 cones will get you by!
[…] 4. Also don’t write about sex toys, sex, sad celebrity stalking, getting drunk and prostituting yourself out for free drinks or any other adult content. PR companies don’t like that either. Unless of course they are a sex toy company. Or Ikea. […]
Am a total sell out I suppose! I do not have advertising but do not mind giving stuff I love a flogging! I love love IKEA (Mr Woog is allergic) Bring me back a hot swedish dude ok? x
I have never ever been offered ANYTHING free via my blog. Where am I going wrong? is it because I take the piss whenever possible. Wait…you do that. WHY isn’t anyone offering me lovely free stuff made in Sweden?
Go for it- take the freebies and RUN!
Ikea scares me. There, I’ve said it, but it’s like a giant retail maze and I get palpitations when I realise I’m caught in the flow and I must continue onward, deeper into the bowels of the flat-pack laden beast. Good luck NDM, I will anxiously await the tales upon your return.
I get a lot of letters from sex toy companies to road test vibrators but I can’t be arsed frankly. But I would never turn down a freebie from IKEA especially if it involved free meatballs
That is truly blog-pimping-worthy.