Here’s a step-by-step guide to having a midlife crisis:
1. Tell everyone as early as possible in the year that you’re going to have a big 40th birthday party. Go on, talk it up. It’s going to be epic, or whatever the young people call things when they’re totally mintox.
2. A month before your party, realise that at least eight interstate friends have already bought airline tickets to come to your allegedly ‘epic’ party.
4. Panic.
5. Print at least 80 invitations and make sure you hand them all out.
6. Count the number of RSVPs you’ve received and realise your party is now officially bigger than your wedding and your house is a fifth of the size of your wedding venue. Epic.
7. Realise that all chance of turning 40 by curling up in a quiet corner with a litre bottle of vodka and a straw has passed you by. Yep, you’ve blown that option completely.
8. Panic a little more.
9. To make yourself feel better, go to the dentist so you can be presented with a $1000 bill. Make sure you end up crying in reception because you’re having to spend money on your dental health instead of, say, your epic party.
10. Get a cold sore.
11. Even though you’ve asked everyone to bring a bottle, send your husband to Dan Murphy’s to buy the “supplementary” alcohol. Have a paper bag ready to breathe into when he comes back with his credit card maxed and a carload of this:
12. Realise a few days before your party that you’ve completely failed to look for and find the perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in and that turning 40 in the perfect pair of red shoes has suddenly become inexplicably – and yet vitally – important to you.
13. Instead of, say, cleaning your house for the party or making beds for your interstate guests, go on a last minute shopping trip to find the perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in.
14. Find and buy the perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in, using money you really don’t have.
15. Realise that said perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in do not actually match the perfect dress to turn 40 in.
16. Also realise that the party fairies totally failed to tidy the house or make the beds for the guests while you were shopping for shoes.
17. While attempting to put a fresh cover on your king-sized quilt for your guests, put the quilt in the wrong way and end up have a full-blown panic attack with a doona cover on your head. When your husband finds you and remarks “You’re really enjoying your party so far!”, burst into tears and say you don’t know why you’ve spent so much money just so over a hundred people can come and stare at you and your cold sore and your ill-matching shoes and your messy-frickin’-fuckin’ house with its doona covers that you can never frickin-fuckin’ fit properly the first time because the tag on the side of the quilt and not on the bottom and that is frickin’-fuckin’ counter-intuitive and, if you hadn’t already spent all your money on your dental-fucking-health and so-called supplementary alcohol, you’d, like, totally be seeking legal counsel and suing the quilt tag off somebody somewhere instead of sitting on your bed sobbing like a baby wearing the wrong pair of red shoes.
18. Listen to your husband when he wisely tells you “If you’re going to do these things, you’ve got to do them properly. You only turn 40 once and we’ve got the rest of our lives to pay it off.”
19. Both know, in your heart of hearts, that it will take the rest of your lives to pay it off.
20. Prepare to party.
________________
Tomorrow, I am turning 40 – in case you haven’t guessed.
Not Drowning, Mothering. 
I feel perfectly inadequate. My 40th will pass without mention, no party, no sobbing, no red shoes or alcohol. I’m a failure. *cue midlife crisis*
That is a great picture of booze, you have a lovely husband and your party will be epic and everyone there will think you’re sohotrightnow. Xxx
Happy, happy birthday NDM. You probably would have ended up kicking off your shoes within the first 10 minutes anyway so really, you’re just saving yourself time at this point, you clever thing.
None of your friends give a shit about the state of your doona covers, and they’ll likely end up getting puked on at some point anyway so fret not. Enjoy your party. If you do it right, you’ll have a hangover for as long as it takes you to pay it off.
Par-tay!
want to come! Really.
Does your cold sore match your dress?
Loved this post.
xo
Jay-sus lady that there is some damn alichol. Not sure why I’m speaking hillbilly, just seems right.
Have a super dooper birthday! Hope you get spoiled rotten and enough alcohol gets spilled down your face to burn that coleslaw plain right off. Or own it Cindy Crawford, beauty spot style.
Seriously though, hope you relax, dance around in the righteous red shoes and get to lay in bed all day and sleep off the inevitable hangover.
xx
Oh dear, I hope you don’t mind that I’m laughing at your pain. You just write it too funny. May I adapt a My Little Pony quote and say ‘Shine on NDM, shine on!’. Happy 40th!!!
I think a party at yours would be totally mintoxing rad even if I had to avoid looking at your mouth and your feet and your doona covers all night.
Even though I’m sadly not going to be there, you go on and have fun, you hear?
x
Dear NDM,
I hope your 40th birthday is full of laughter, loving, dancing and silliness! And yes, I agree with previous comments – your shoes will be off your feet within ten minutes and your interstate guests will not care about doona covers. Anyway they will be too busy looking at your cold sore!
Can’t wait to see a picture of you in your sure-to-be-absolutley-fucking-hot-40th-birthday-dress!! And to read about it all, once you get over your hangover.
Have an amazing time! Happy Birthday!!
xx
Happy 40th, NDM!!
I hope the party is an epic success xx
Dear NDM
You are SHRN! Happy birthday for tomorrow (mine’s today, not 40 though, that was sooome time ago) and don’t worry about the cleaning, your dad’s coming right?! Scorps ru…no, well we don’t rule, but we control the people who do, tee hee.
I sure hope that because of all those lows, that your 40th party is going to be extremely high. Enjoy every moment. And thank you for the laughter (not laughing at you, so much as laughing/crying with you…). And great advice for my fourtieth. I’m getting organised RIGHT NOW!
Ok NDM, breath… just breath.
There, thats better. The coolest thing about having an ‘epic’ 40th party is everyone who’s coming is there to celebrate how special you are, how much you’ve touched their lives, and thanks to [your husband]’s mercy dash – to show you just how much alcohol can be unnaturally consumed!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. The hard work is actually done – that’s where and when. You know most of [the ‘hood] is coming. All you have to do now is frock up and enjoy the ride!
We out-of-countriers raise a toast xxx
Oh, NDM, have you stepped inside my head? That’s the kind of thing which would happen to me. How about these thoughts:
1. Breathe.
2. Exhale.
3. Repeat (but don’t hyperventilate or have a panic attack).
4. Remember your friends love you just as you are.
5. You could turn up in a sack and they wouldn’t care.
6. Even if they did, it doesn’t matter. Once you’ve turned 40, you’ll feel invincible.
7. I turned the big four-oh a few months ago. It’s a cool club. You’ll enjoy it.
8. Kick up those heels (who wants to be matchy-matchy all the time, anyway?) and have a brilliant time. It’s not often we have all our loved ones together in one place with us.
J x
I had the largest, ruby red pimple when I turned thoughty, yep thoughty cos you think too much about it.
Don’t forget to click your perfect red shoes together and all will be wonderful in a sort of Dorothy way.
Have a good one.
I feel just terrible laughing at the image of you with your (very nice) red shoes on, sobbing, with a doona cover on your head. Karma will be a bitch won’t it. I do hope that you are recovering from all the panic attacks and that you will have a totally sick and random (?? Don’t ask me, I stole those words straight from the nine years olds mouth) birthday and party. xxx
I’m still very disappointed that I will miss your magnificent party… although I’m hoping that my own, simultaneous 40th will be similarly epic. We should totally be channelling each other while dancing in our red shoes.. oh, hang on, my perfect red shoes don’t match my perfect purple dress….oh whatever! Have an awesome party, NDM! xo
you make me *laugh*. when i got married i had a coldsore that was so big it looked like i had a beak. 40 is fine, it will all be good despite doona woes and unmatching shoes. hopefully you’ll be dancing in your undies so it won’t matter anyway.
happy birthday and enjoy
That Mr Ndm gives good advice! Love u guys so much!!!!! PARTY!!!!
Oh, poor you. I clearly recall similar thoughts from my 40th. Especially:
Listen to your husband when he wisely tells you “If you’re going to do these things, you’ve got to do them properly.”
Remember mine – big tent in backyard, no-one allowed in the house, middle of freezing Melbourne winter, and I believe it may have been raining. But my red dress and new hair cut made everything else irrelevant, so go out and ignore all other details – everyone else will.
Oh, and just think – if 100 guests each buy you a gift worth $40, and you sacrifice half to either return or regift, and you don’t use any of the 100 $20 bottles of wine they bring as you have a great stash of extra alcohol, that’s immediately $4000 bonus extras that you don’t have to spend in the next year. Simple!
I can’t wait.
I epically love you, duckie!!!!
Happy Birthday! I’ve just turned 40 and I can seriously say now that I’m all growed up I don’t have temper tantrums any more. (I’m not telling the truth.) Enjoy your party – you’ll be glad you made the effort!
I also hit this milestone 6 months ago; it was wonderful. I hope you have a truly fabulous time, NDM. 🙂
Hope you have a wonderful birthday and an amazing party. I’m looking forward to the party aftermath….there is sure to be a killer post or two from such an occasion. Cheers!
You have totally nailed 40. Red shoes & supplementary alcohol … nothing else matters 😉
Have a wonderful, wonderful party. If it’s any consolation I spent the majority of the week before my ridiculously indulgent 40th alternately running around in non-productive circles & rocking in a corner wondering WTF I was thinking, I HATE my parties.
Except, I LOVED my 40th!! And I LOVE being 40!!
The best is yet to come NDM, enjoy!! xx
Where’s my ticket to come??!! I have the perfect peep-toe red shoes for you to turn 40 in. I’m too tall to wear them. They’re all yours. Fly me in, and I’ll bring them.
Have a fan-frickin’-tastic party. Drink all that supplementary booze. Dance.
Oh, and Happy birthday!
I literally have tears streaming down my cheeks… So bloody funny!
Settle down, pour some bubbles and party like you’re 21 for the 19th time.
Happy Birthday, gorgeous! Mwah! Mwah!
STxxx
ahhh – bugger it! They love you no matter that your shoe / dress are fighting with each other and the doona cover is on the wrong way.
Smile with those expensive teeth and party like mad!
Happy Birthday for tomorrow. I hope you have a great party. And ture frineds won’t care about shoes and dresses that match (besides won’t you be takignt he shoes off oris that just me?) or doona covers.
Besides everyoen will have such a great time all they will remember is how much fun they had. No one will remember anything else.
Oh Dear Lord, I am coming. Because you know what’s really fab? The chink of glasses and murmurs of fun throughout a house of people progressively getting drunk whom will all fall over somewhere drunk anyway and go to sleep there, in violation of your sheet folding and quilt stuffing, and they’ll still rave about it.
You will too.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday NDM! Please make sure you stop and enjoy this party, otherwise the next post will be all about how you spent the whole time stressing and woke up the next morning feeling like you missed it.
Totally agree with @Jane above about not always being mitchy-matchy. I’m so glad you found the red shoes!
Here’s to mid-life. Epic!
40 is sohotrightnow. Apparently.
Let the toga-wearing mayhem commence. Happy Birthday.
I find the best way to really enjoy a party is to go into with such low expectations that things can only go up from there – so it sounds like your at just the right point to really have a great time!! Enjoy your party!!! xxx
NDM, they say life begins at 40, so who’s been writing your blog up till now? Have a great day. Not expecting to see a new blog for about a week, as I’m sure the hangover will last that long. Happy 40th. You’re so hot right now…. 🙂
Laugh?!? I nearly wet my pants!
I hope that it’s brilliant.
If nothing else happens, I know that your astounding sense of humour will find a way to make it great.
Big hug,
Felicity x
Happy Birthday NDM! Will be an excellent party… although I’m a bit worried that you might run out of booze! Looking forward to your follow up post: ’40 is the new 30’… or the new black… or whatever we’re all supposed to believe to make us feel better about turning bloody 40!
Happy Birthday! Breathe……
You could have gone to Paris and not had a 40th panic ……………….. but then had a monster one (panic/midlife crisis) at 41st! Enjoy it all – its worth the pain of paying stuff off!!!! And by the time you get through that champagne mountain it will not seem very important!
Happy 40th NDM!
Don’t go spewin’ on those red shoes, even if they are the wrong match for yr dress….
it will be mighty – hell, i got my haircut for it! Can’t be worse than my 40th – unless you throw up on your best mates new born child and they don’t understand that it was unintentional….
Have a great party doll – can’t wait to hear all about the booze fest!
Oh NDM… my 40th felt a bit like that ‘cept I was holding a three-week old babe; and a hubby thought it would be “fun” to not worry about a babysitter so that Mr. 7 and Ms. 10 could attend and trash the food table. I couldn’t even fit in to my sohotrightnow red dress and couldn’t have shoe-shopped to save my life.
I hope you have a wonderful time and can’t wait to hear the party post mortem. Happy Birthday!
Even though I was here yesterday, I’m back today to say “Happy Birthday” on your actual day and wish you a really super party tonight. x
I’m late to the party, oh no, I’m right on time!
Happy birthday lovely funny lady!!
You’re right to have a ‘fricken’ big bash. I would have too only I was still breastfeeding at the time…dammit!!
Have a great night, I’m sure you will. xx
Hope it was wonderful, not woeful!
xx
Couldn’t actually tell you what I did for my 40th birthday … isn’t that sad!
Go hard, NDM!
xxxx
You sound about as organised as me but I know that when push comes to shove, I finally, if I get anything done, clean the house.
I had ALLLLL last week to clean my cesspit of a home knowing that the Real Estate Agent was coming on Friday afternoon to give us an evaluation. ALL. LAST. WEEK.
Wanna know when I did it? Lunchtime friday. I zipped around putting things away, vacuuming and praying my children wouldn’t fuck it up again when they got home from school.
My house has never been cleaner – I swear. Nothing like a ton of pressure to get things done right.
Your husband sounds wonderful. My (ex) did nothing special for me on my 40th, and didn’t even come to the party my sister arranged for me (family only) because he was pretending he had to fix a fence. Instead he was having an affair with a girl from work, and my absence for a couple of nights (as my family lived a long way away from us) gave him loads of time to enjoy her.
I am only sharing this because I want you to know all that stuff doesn’t matter (even the shoes). Because you have a hubby who loves you and doesn’t care about the credit card bill, and loads of friends and family who love you and want to celebrate with you.
Enjoy it!
Awesome post. And I don’t say this lightly, your husband rocks. Yea, 40!
Number 7. I will always heed your #7 advice. Thank you, o wise one *stashing straws even though 40th is 4 yrs away*