Some people like to procrastinate quietly in a corner with a good book and a family block of chocolate.
But not I. No. I like to gently avoid putting away the mountainous piles of clean laundry and/or stand at the kitchen sink for the fourth hour that day by thinking about how much I dislike mermaids.
Yes, I am a mermaid-basher, but you already knew that, didn’t you?
The other day, I jumped onto twitter with the following question:
The general consensus from my twitter friends was that mermaids didn’t eat fish because “fish were their friends” and that they were sea-vegetarian. I, for one, don’t buy that for a moment. C’mon! They’re half-human! Don’t tell me they don’t have carnivorous urges. I mean, they must be at least pescetarian, if not omnivorous. I mean, the occasional cow must fall overboard a freight ship, right?
Still, what goes in must go out. How do mermaids shit? If they’re anything like Mr Justice’s neurotic goldfish, they must swim around half the day with a long string of faeces coming out their fishy arse. But you don’t see that pictured in any of your mermaid fairytale books or in the Barbie Mermadia series. Oh, no.
As I was thinking about all this, I could see Tiddles McGee’s lunch plate balanced on the edge of the arm chair from the day before.
Vaguely, I wondered if it would eventually make its own way to the kitchen. And that’s when it hit me. Like, really hit me.
If McGee had eaten his lunch under the sea, the plate may well have drifted to the kitchen with the tide.
Moreover, it wouldn’t need to have drifted to the kitchen because it was already under the water.
Which is why mermaids look so well-groomed and beautiful all the frickin’ time. Because they never have to worry about the fucking dishes! Or the laundry, because they don’t have any clothes to wash. I mean, those shell bras? Puh-lease. A bit of scrubbing to get the algae off may be required from time to time but if you can’t be arsed doing it, its not the end of the world. You’re naked from the waist down anyway and you have all that great hair to cover your breasts, anyway.
Talking of great hair, even my hair looks great under water. It’s all soft and flowy and beautiful. Whereas out of the water, even one hour after washing it I’m grateful if it’s raining outside so that anyone who sees me will think my hair looks like that because I have just bravely run through the rain and not because I’m a complete and utter skank.
Here are some other things mermaids don’t have to worry about, just off the top of my head:
- finding time in the day to have a shower
- listening to their husbands clip their toenails
- having monkey breath in the morning
- wearing high heels
- bad trouser days
- sausage sizzles
- shaving their legs or tending their lady garden
- menstrual accidents or skid marks
- Elmo
I think that’s enough about mermaids for now, don’t you? Next topic for procrastination: why Geppetto never had children of his own and had to make a puppet for company. Did he never meet the right lady or was he gay?
Uh, maybe I should just put away the laundry…
Not Drowning, Mothering. 
I am SO looking forward to the Geppetto post!
… I think we need to find you some more distractions…
I too am awaiting the Geppetto post with bated breath! Will it deal with my question of many years – why didn’t he just smash Pinocchio into kindling when it was clear how annoying he was?
G to the ‘petto would have avoided a murder charge and possibly got away with mere unlawful destruction of property or some other legalesque phrase I heard on LAW AND ORDER.
Sorry. Rambling. Do go on…
I feel highly educated on the dietary intake of mermaids, due to a particular Charlie & Lola episode that I have seen approx 921,342 times. They in fact eat Ocean Nibbles, purchased in their supermarket under the sea. As to whether these are a genuine fish product, or a tofu-based replacement, I’m not sure.
Notably, the mermaids are not shown shopping for sanitary products or Nair for down there.
Got to admit I had to google pescetarianism. 6am and I’ve already learned something today. Thanks NDM.
Hey, at least your laundry mountain is CLEAN!
And who said procrastination was a complete waste of time? x
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – stop making me wish I was a mermaid!
Do, however, attempt to solve the Gepetto mystery. The laundry can wait.
Why are there no mermen? Did they die out ,due to presumably not having willies with which to procreate. Or DID they?………
Sushi. Mermaids eat sushi. Even if they aren’t Japanese.
I think mermaids eat a lot of nori, which is why, if you look very closely, you will often see bits of green stuck between their teeth.
Aren’t mermaids actually supposed to be dugongs? I think a sailor would need to be fairly drunk on his yo-ho-ho and his bottle of rum to mistake a dugong for a fish with breasts… but maybe that’s just me.
“Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it’s better
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me”
That’s what Disney reckons anyhow.
Personally, I’d swap all those positives to being a mermaid for the chance to talk and not blow bubbles.
Can you imagine trying to tell your kids to clean their rooms… Underwater??
**Blubb, Bubble, booob, blubb blurbb**
Monkey breath? No.
Sea Monkey breath? Yes!
I’ve never thought much about mermaids, now I can’t get them out of my head. Thanks for that…..
Ahhhh, your tantilisingly vague ‘impending mermaid post’ comment the other day (along with the firm shake of your head – wet hair included – when pressed for details) has turned out to be quite the teaser! Fabulous on so many levels! Especially loved the philosophical musings about mermaids shitting. (Maybe the scales on their bums part daintily to allow the poo to be discarded??)
Particularly enjoyed your list of things mermaids don’t have to worry about. GOLD!