When I was 21, my family doctor asked to bring in a urine sample for my next appointment.
The morning of the appointment, I duly filled up a large vegemite jar and brought it into the surgery, where I sat, awkwardly, in the waiting room, desperately wishing I’d brought along a bag.
When my doctor was ready to see me, I quickly thrust the jar into his hands.
“Good effort, [NDM]!” he said, encouragingly. “But, actually, I only really needed *this much*.”
And he indicated with his fingers an amount of liquid that would probably get a itsy-bitsy-faerie slightly tipsy, but certainly not so drunk she wouldn’t be able to drive home.
What can I say? I always like to exceed expectations.
So too, my husband – or so it turns out. You see, he’s been feeling poorly over the Christmas break and his doctor ended up giving him a specimen jar the size of a small keg to collect his ‘stools’ for three days in a row.
Now, how he went about harvesting his own faeces, he thankfully kept entirely to himself – although he always returned from the task looking a mere shadow of his former self.
“You didn’t fill the jar, did you?” I couldn’t help but ask on the third day, after he’d delivered the samples to the pathologists.
“Oh, no, not at all,” he said. “I only did *this much*.”
And he used both hands to indicate how much.
I shuddered. I mean, I love my husband and all, but I didn’t really need to know that.
Anyway, it turns out I had other shit to deal with.
Later that day, I was at the park with The Pixie and she suddenly announced she needed to do a wee. There being no public toilets within striking distance, I was left with no option than to attempt the Bush Wee.
Now, anyone who has ever attempted the Bush Wee with a little girl knows it generally has a 3.6 degree of difficulty and the only way you can do it without getting wee on her shoes, your shoes and the shoes of anyone standing within a twenty metre radius is by removing all her clothing and lowering her into position using a hydraulic crane winch.
Having found a bush large enough to conceal us, I took off her undies, trousers, socks and shoes and put them at a safe splash-free distance and then stood back, waiting for the deluge to hit.
But it didn’t.
Instead, the Pixie suddenly started shouting “Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!” and then thoroughly surprised us both by letting a poo the size of a small loaf fall to the ground.
“OH SHIT!” I exclaimed. It was one of those occasions when swearing in front of my child seemed entirely appropriate.
Anyhoo, I’ll spare you the details of the clean up, but suffice to say, they involved bottled water and (if you’ll excuse the expression) a shit load of tissues and only left me feeling frazzled *this much*…