(OPENING PARAGRAPH DESPERATELY TRYING TO DRAW THE READERS IN)
Contrary to popular belief, it’s unlike me to write fan letters. Other than a letter I wrote in 1983 to child actor Henry Thomas commending him on his fine work in the role of Elliot in ‘ET: The Extra Terrestrial”, I have concentrated my efforts in writing finely-crafted and entirely ineffectual letters of complaint.
For example, I once wrote a letter to The Wiggles, complaining about a fifteen dollar balloon we’d bought at their concert which floated away before we even got back to the car. (HISSES:) Because those skivvy-wearing fucks were totally responsible for that bloody balloon and one day they’ll realise their mistake and their cheeks will burn shame of it all. BURN, I TELLS YA.
(ATTEMPT TO GET BACK ON-TOPIC BY USING THE WORD ‘ANYWAY’)
ANYWAY, a few months ago, I felt strangely compelled to write my literary crush David Mitchell a fan letter. I can not tell you why. Nor can I tell you why I chose to start the fan letter like this:
Dear David,
The last time I wrote to one of my idols, I sent her a picture of a Vegetable Porn Star. Luckily for you, this is not one of those letters.
Sadly, I didn’t get a response. For a long time, I blamed my opening paragraph – after all, all writers know that you’re only as good as your opening paragraph. But then, having recently been utterly delighted by David Mitchell speaking as part of the Melbourne Writers Festival, I realise my mistake was NOT sending the picture of the Vegetable Porn Star.
We live and learn, people. We live and learn.
(CUE: PATHETIC SEGUE)
Interestingly enough, I’ve also learnt that I am no self-starter when it comes to writing my so-called novel. And so I have had to take drastic steps: I have formed a Writing Group with my friend KK.
A lot of people have asked me what business I have starting a writing group with only two people in it. It’s less of a ‘group’ and more of a ‘couple’, they’ve said. Those people are sooooo pedantic.
(THE POINT IN THE POST WHERE THE TITLE IS EXPLAINED)
“Why, we’re a Writing Couplet!” I said to those people. I’m a Writer, you know.
The inaugural meeting of our Writing Couplet was held last Friday at the cafe-slash-bar where KK is currently the poet-in-residence. This afforded me the extremely satisfying experience of walking into a place, striking the bar with my fist and demanding – DEMANDING! – to see the poet-in-residence. Everyone should do this at least once in their life.
(THIS IS WHERE I GLOSS OVER THE DETAILS BECAUSE I’M FEELING LAZY)
As for what happened during our Writing Couplet meeting… well, the first rule of the Writing Couplet is you don’t talk about the Writing Couplet. Instead, someone takes minutes (including a tally of how many times each person had to go to the toilet) and then fails to write them up.
(NOW WATCH ME MASTERFULLY BRING THE POST BACK FULL CIRCLE)
But I will tell you this: KK and I unanimously voted David Mitchell as the patron saint of our Writing Couplet. I don’t know about you, but I can feel another fan letter coming on.
(AND NOW, THE LAME ARSE ENDING)
The End, By Me.
Hilarious. I definitely think not sending David Mitchell a picture of a vegetable porn star was a mistake… But now that he’s the patron saint of your Writing Couplet (genius, by the way), I definitely see a group/couple fan letter informing him of his new title as being the perfect place to make amends for your previous fan mail faux pas.
http://www.wyattzoo.blogspot.com
(BEGIN HAPPY CUSTOMER COMMENT)
Go the meta-blog blog post!
Also, I am now about to learn more about your patron saint.
(END HAPPY CUSTOMER COMMENT)
Dear NDM
Every time I read one of your posts you inspire me with your writing. You get me all hot and flustered. Your way with words can only be likened to the relationship between a magician and his rabbit.
Signed bigwords
PS: I too love ET. Just another reason you are my blogging crush.
So we’ve just discussed our mutual love of Elliott. And fan letters. Great story. I reckon I’d get feck all done if I had a writing partner or group. But I get equal amounts done on my own as well. Perhaps I should give it a go. xx
Just wondering if you’re open to a Writing Triplet? I need a big kick up my generous backside.
x
I’m sure that, like Ringo Starr in The Simpsons (“Gear!”), David Mitchell will finally write back to you.
I did the same with Ian McEwan and received a lovely reply. Then I got pished with Peter Ackroyd and it was almost restraining order territory. They’re delicate flowers writers.
Sigh. My life is complete. I’ve made it into a NDM post.
I’d die happy, but then I’d get in trouble for not meeting my writing targets for the next Writing Couplet meeting.
Oh David Mitchell, full of grace, blessed art thou amongst writers, and blessed is the fruit of thy pen, for thou hast given birth to the Cloud Atlas and other most wonderous things. Shine your light upon us. Amen.
I once wrote a fan letter to Paradise beach… the TV show and no… unfortunatly I am not making this up… Sadder still, my sister and a few friends forged a petition… and thought they wouldn’t notice that it was the same handwriting if we wrote the names in different coloured pens…. Oh the shame!!!!
I do agree. A pic would’ve been a good idea. However, I do know what it’s like to write a fan letter and not get a response. Please let me know if you’d like read my heartfelt letter to Mr. Ben Vereen, asking for dancing advice. Sad with a side of pathetic.
Best,
I received Cloud Atlas for Mothers’ Day! Hooray! And now to find time to read it…
David Mitchell’s probably just a bit shy. You know what these retiring writerly types are like. Or he may well have injured his writing hand thumping magisterially on a bar somewhere demanding to see the poet-in-residence. You know what these bar-thumping writerly types are like.
Thanks for your blog NDM! ‘Specially the icky bits…!
NDM! You’ve gone post modern and self-referential. Has blogger fame turned you into a hipster. Just so you know, I snapped my fingers in appreciation, rather than clapping at the end of your post.
NDM, you know Mitchell has a stammer don’t you ? Your crush would be saying, “ffffffancy a ffffffuck ? I only know that, because I read it on Wikipedia……. 😉
I am thinking maybe just making him the patron. Not the saint.
Cause that is a lot of unnecessary work and having to deal with a dude that looks like a Vampire.
It took me decades to get my Sainthood. I am just saying.
Love your ending. So……unique.
The Writing Couplet is a fine idea. And I am totally going to demand to speak to the poet-in-residence as soon as I find a place to demand one.;
Do you have any objection to inviting me along and making it a Writing Triplet? I know it takes the Shakespeare out of it, but Shakespeare was a monkey anyway, and ‘triplet’ brings an air of ‘freak of nature’ to the gang. I’ll take the minutes and I promise not to publish them. I just want to rub shoulders with a poet in residence and someone with access to vegetable porn – it would be so good for my creativity!
(END OF PITTIFUL BEGGING)
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