Posts Tagged ‘condemning violence against baked goods’

In a new series titled “Easy Recipes For Women of Easy Virtue”, The NDM plans to share some of her favourite recipes.


The recipe for these darling little cakes is adapted from Nigella Lawson’s How To Be A Domestic Goddess. It’s not strictly necessary to flash your cleavage and lick your fingers a lot when making them, but it seems to help the process (or so my husband tells me).


125 grams caster sugar
125 grams unsalted butter, softened

I really love it when a recipe calls for softened butter because it requires the kind of forward planning that I am incapable of. I always end up having to bung the butter in the microwave, only to accidentally put it on ‘high’ and then completely forget about it for fifteen minutes so that it starts exploding like molten lava, thoroughly coating the roof of the microwave and ultimately turns rancid and drips into everything I subsequently try to heat up. Yes, as I said, I really love it.

125 grams of self-raising flour

Self-raising flour is distinctly different from self-raising children, who somehow know that mummy had a few too many champagnes last night and that it would be best for everyone if they got their own cereal and watched the telly for a while.

2 large eggs

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla essence

Vanilla essence, with an ABV of 35% , is almost as alcoholic as gin. You know, just sayin’.

2 – 3 tablespoons of milk

Milk, however, doesn’t have any alcohol content, unless, of course, you’re talking about breast milk the morning after a big night, which I hope you’re not planning to use here because that’s just sick.


Put everything, except the milk, in the food processor and process the crap out of it.  With the motor still running (like you’re about to make some kind of getaway), add the milk one teaspoon at a time until the mixture has a nice ‘dropping consistency’ (about a Type 5 on the Bristol Stool Scale).

Place patty pans placed in a lightly greased 12-hole muffin pan (is it just me or does “a lightly-greased 12-hole muffin pan” sound like a porno industry term?) and carefully spoon mixture evenly between them (See? Even the idea of ‘spooning’ gets a bit dodgy when spoken about in the context of a lightly-greased 12-hole muffin pan).

Bake in a moderately hot oven for 15  minutes, until golden on top. For those of you who insist on putting a number value on “moderately hot”, I mean 200°C. And for those of you who insist I convert that temperature into Fahrenheit, it’s 392°F. And for those of you who are claiming 392° is a ridiculous number to put in a recipe because the notches on most oven dials are only in ten degree increments, I’ll round it down for you to 390°. Sheesh! Do I have to do everything around here?

Cool on a wire rack and ice when cold. And by ‘ice’ I mean ‘cover with icing’ as opposed to ‘take out in a cold premeditated military-style execution’ – remember: violence against baked goods is not cool, people! And if you’re wanting the recipe for the icing, you’re just going to have to goddamn wait. I accidentally swallowed the rest of the vanilla essence, swiftly moved on to the cooking sherry and think I need to have a little lie down now.

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