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Posts Tagged ‘Ikea Family’

I have to admit that I went on my recent Ikea junket with a hidden agenda: find the rudest sounding Ikea product name.

After fifteen minutes of being led through the story by my charming guide Mark, I blurted out my agenda.

“Oh, great!” he said, rubbing his hands together with glee. “My favourite one is just around the corner…”

And he led me to a DUMBASS wardrobe – although it was ostensibly spelt DOMBÅS. I knew then that I was in good hands.

I was there to learn about the Ikea Family, the loyalty program recently launched here in Australia. Oh, and to receive my Ikea goody bag, which didn’t disappoint, not least because it contained a complimentary bottle of Glügg. Yes, Glügg! For the record: I’m still unsure of what, exactly, Glügg is, but I expect that there will be a Glügg Occasion at my 40th birthday party, some time after 4am when the wine’s run out.

A few things I learnt about the Ikea Family:

  • It’s free to join and you can join online from the comfort of your own home or in-store at your next visit.
  • If you forget your card or your small child has played 52 pick-up with the contents of your wallet back in the car, you can print yourself out a temporary one in-store.
  • Swiping your card at the checkout earns you savings on a host of different products throughout the store – most are ongoing and with a few “limited time only” offers thrown in for good measure.
  • Every time you use or swipe your card in-store, Ikea donates 10c to charity and somewhere someone opens another bottle of Glügg (OK, so I made that last bit up).
  • Your purchase is insured from store to home which is good news for people who do things like drive into a low multi-storey carparks, completely forgetting they have new roof racks on their car – should such people exist.
  • Ikea’s usual 90 day return policy is extended to 365 days for Ikea Family members. Ikea’s policy is generous, according to my guide Mark. You can return something as long as it is in “re-sellable” condition and with its original packaging.

“So!” I piped up, when Mark shared this last point with me. “Let’s just say someone who was about to turn 40 – don’t know who – bought a whole heap of garden furniture and party lights – for example – and then discovered a few days after they’d turned 40 that they actually need it any more?”

Mark, thinking I wasn’t serious, laughed and told me a story about once selling a man 148 folding chairs and then seeing him the following week trying to return them, each with a little bit of grass on the bottom of their legs.

That chair-returning man was a loser. I totally would have crocheted little booties for the chairs to protect them from the grass. You know, with my non-existent crocheting skills – the same non-existent crocheting skills that I plan to use one day to crochet my friend Mrs Woog a merkin. What’s more, I would have given those crocheted chair booties a fabulous Ikea name like KNUBBIG (which is actually the name of an Ikea table lamp and looks a little like BIG KNOB, tee hee hee. I hope it comes with ANSLUTA power cord connection. A SLUTTER, geddit?).

Anyway, Mark, if you ever see someone trying to return 148 folding chairs and the Ikea Dodgy Returns Crime Lab picks up acrylic wool fibers on the base of their legs, it’s fair to say that the perpetrator got the idea here.

Also, if there’s a sudden rush on Glügg, you’ll know who to thank.

Glügg!

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