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Posts Tagged ‘inappropriate photos with vegetables’

IT’S OFFICIAL! Über -blogger and long-time hero of mine, The Bloggess has formally endorsed my campaign for the title of Best Australian/NZ Weblog in the 2010 Bloggies.

And by “formally endorsed”, I mean she’s posted something about it on flickr.

“How did this happen?” I hear you ask.

Well, a few days ago, I wrote her a series of emails politely requesting her support. And by “politely requesting”, I mean “pathetically begging”. And for the record, I do a very good line in pathetic begging. Don’t believe me? I’ll let you be the judge:

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TO:  The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

Dear Jennie,

I am one of your blogging peers. I, too, am a finalist for the Bloggies. Except, well, if the truth be told, you’re like a finalist for the Bloggies and I’m like a finalist for the distant and possibly inbred cousin of the Bloggies. Yes, I am one of five Australia/New Zealand finalists. It’s a pity there couldn’t be six finalists because then all our region’s bloggers would have had a chance. Yes, I can make jokes, you know.

Anyway, I’m up against some tough competition… Is there some way you could please help further my cause via twitter or your blog? Wouldn’t you like to see the under-dog win? Although I’m loathe to use the term “under-dog” because I’m always worried it means the dog who’s taking it up the arse from the other dog on top of them.

ANYWAY, as a present to you, I am offering you this picture of a porn star I once made out of vegetables with my friend. I’m afraid that parts of her *did* get eaten some months ago – so my threat in the subject title was a little hollow. Although I’m sure part of her is still at the bottom of the compost bin, so I technically could still eat her except I expect that threatening to eat six month old compost won’t exactly spur you into action. But it might. You never know.

Yours sincerely and just an itsy-bitsy bit desperately,

The NDM


_____________________________________________________________

TO: The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

PS. Did you like how I spelt your name “Jennie”? It’s just incase you were offended by the email and then I could claim it was intended for someone else.
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TO: The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

PPS. OH AND MY FRICKIN’ BLOG TITLE IS “NOT DROWNING, MOTHERING” AND THE ADDRESS IS HTTP://NOTDROWNING.WORDPRESS.COM

It’s no wonder Australia never wins wars or anything. We’re fucking hopeless.

_____________________________________________________________

FROM: The Bloggess
TO: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebloggess/4308592975/ For you.

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My sincere gratitude goes out to the Bloggess for a) indulging me with her flickr post and b) not alerting the authorities. And also to all my friends and family who have put up with endless rounds of emails begging them to vote for me this past week. I promise it won’t happen again. No, really. 

Please feel free to add your own endorsement in the comments section below and remember to Vote 1 for “Not Drowning, Mothering”  before 31st January 10:PM EST (That’s somewhere-in-America time).

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The internet is a truly scary place. Only yesterday, my friend Nellie sent me an email urging me (begging me!) to look at a site called “Veg Porn” which boasted “titillating tofu eaters”. I must admit that just reading her email gave me a little frisson as it immediately brought to mind another site “Hats of Meat“, which has photos of fully-clothed people wearing hats made of, er, well, meat. Before I’d even clicked over to “Veg Porn”, in my mind I was already pitting these two sites against each other in some kind of internet version of a battle-rap, perhaps with a special appearance by the girl in the Bacon Bra holding up the score cards. Mmmmm…. Bacon…..

Unfortunately, “Veg Porn” wasn’t quite the joyous celebration of vegetables that I was hoping for.  For one thing, there were no photos of legumes and gourds gettin’ it awwnnnnnnnn. At the very least, I thought there would have been a few vegetables featured in the photos –  not merely as sex aids, I should add,  but as equal and consenting partners (thus giving vegetables the respect they deserve). But no, not a single leafy green in sight – just naked vegetarians. Even the “Food Lust” section was a bit of a let down – just more naked vegetarians cooking vegan cookies. And in any case, how do I know those naked people are vegetarians? I mean they look like normal people and what’s to say they didn’t just eat themselves a big old sausage? Yep, all in all “Veg Porn” was a big disappointment. At least “Hats of Meat” does what it says on the tin, even if what is says is just plain strange. 

Anyway, all this was occupying my little bored brain when my dear friend Mzzzzz E came over for a visit. Now if you’ve read previous posts such as “Fi-DIE-lity“, you will already know that this girl means Trouble-With-A-Capital-T. Well, within about five minutes of her arriving, we found ourselves rummaging through the vegetable crisper, giggling like two schoolgirls while Mr Justice (languishing away in the makeshift sick bed in the next room) kept shouting out”What are you doing?” and “Can I see?”. “No, sweetheart… (giggle giggle giggle)… Mummy’s just (giggle) a bit busy (giggle), you can see it (giggle) in a minute (giggle giggle giggle)”. 

And here she is: our Vegie Porn Star. 

vegie_softporn

I would like it stated for the record that all of the vegetable and fruit matter used in her creation was subsequently eaten because, in my capacity as a Good Eating Role Model for my children, no food (particularly food which falls into the fruit’n’veg category) is wasted in this household.  Oh, with the exception of the celery which was “on the way out anyway”. I, myself, took great pleasure in eating the half-apple which constituted her head because, as I said at the time (still giggling), it gave a whole new meaning to the teen-movie phrase “to eat face”.  

And, while I am stating things for the record (is anyone actually noting down this stuff?), I would also like it to be known that I most certainly did not go all “Gin and Bear It” and push my photo project too far by taking other, far more compromising photos of my little “VPS”. No, no, not me. Other (lesser) people, made slightly hysterical through lack of sleep and an inability to leave the house due to their children’s ill-health for days and days and days (and days) OR who were under the ill-influence of certain Troublemakers (see that capital T?), might have let the situation get out of hand and, say, made a photographic tribute to her friends, the lactating asian babes. But not I. I’ve learnt my lesson. And there is no way anyone could persuade me to prove it otherwise.

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