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Posts Tagged ‘Jenna Simon is my new BFF’

Facebook sooooo wants me to cheat on my husband. Following my “Facebook Thinks I’m a Big Fat Loser” post, a new guy has been moved into my area to be the designated “local single”. 
single
I’m wondering if he’s totally replaced the other guy or if they’re both sharing a bachelor pad round these parts and hanging out at “Eat Street” of a Monday evening, throwing cold chips at the passing junkies, or buying up big on Meths at the Aldi. Which would just make me want to meet them all the more. 

Sadly, though, Jenna Simon seems to have moved on from her (e)-crush on me and she hasn’t visited my Facebook profile for a while. But the little minx is certainly putting herself about out there because I’ve had no less than 40 hits on my blog from people trying to find out if they’re the only (e)-crush in Jenna’s life. Alas, boys, it would appear she’s merely the product of some marketing guy’s imagination. Either that, or she’s just a total slut. Which ever way you look at it, that girl’s Trouble. 

Of course the real upside to Jenna’s exodus is that it’s made room for a new banner ad campaign, which has posed some very interesting questions, if in an overly-familiar way (by addressing me and my facebook friends by name). For example:

“[NDM], are you still relying on [W] to set you up?”

Well, since I haven’t seen W in the flesh for over 18 years and she lives on a different continent from me PLUS the fact I was still happily married last time I checked, thank you very much, I think the answer is an unequivocal “No”. 

And then there’s: 

“[NDM], are you luckier in love than [X]?”

Which is sort of like pitting me against my friends, like it’s some kind of “Love-Off”.  If it absolutely must come to that, then let’s see… I pretty much spent my 20s without any Formal Relationship To Speak Of followed by almost 9 years of happy marriage. [X] had two long-term relationships in her 20s and is currently involved with an excessively wealthy married man who lives in another state but flies in to see her regularly bearing expensive gifts.

Hmmmm, okay. That’s +10 points for each long-term relationship, +25 points for each “expensive gift”,  -30 point for the “married man” part and perhaps -1 point for every interstate flight he makes to see her – you know, carbon footprint and all. As for me, that’s  -80 points for my “Lost Years” (-10 each year), +10 points for every happy year of marriage, although arguably, after the first seven years each subsequent year might only be worth +5 points… Look, I’ll leave the maths up to someone else to do because some new information on my burgeoning love life has just come in over the wire…

Two of my friends now want to kiss me (On. The. Lips.), a secret love in [my home town] has sent me 7 crush messages, and four of my friends are IDIOTS (please note the capitalisation). Presumably two of those friends were deemed IDIOTS for wanting to kiss me. Not such a smart thing considering the stronghold that viral illness has had on our house in recent weeks. 

In any case, it’s certainly good to know that if my marriage goes awry that I won’t have to repeat those Lost Years: there’s obviously a Whole Lotta Lovin’ out there to be had for the NDM.  Although, having said this, one friend recently told me how she had joined an online match-making service that used sophisticated psychometric testing as part of its complex matching process. Another friend, upon hearing this, had exclaimed “Don’t do it!” and had practically run from the room screaming. As it turned out, virtually everyone this Other Friend knew had signed up with this particular site, including her ex-husband and her best friend, who were subsequently matched up by the site even though they absolutely hate each other in real life… So much for scientifically-based personality profiling. Maybe this internet lark isn’t something to be relied on after all and I should take my chances when and where I’m offered them? Come back Jenna Simon, I’ve changed my mind!

We could be so happy together

If only I hadn't spurned her advances...

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According to the banner ad I just saw, two of my facebook friends have a crush on me. They’ve even both written me love notes. All I have to do is click on the button “CONTINUE” to download an unspecified application and find out who they are and what they’ve written. 

And I’m really going to do that. Because it is *entirely likely* that two of my married-with-children female friends have themselves a Big Ol’ Girl Crush on me. Or even that two of my perpetually-single male friends are hot for some post-caesar saggy-baggy-mama-jugs action. And, I think, that is even more likely that at least two of my facebook friends have turned their hand to love poetry in their late 30s. Because that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re facing 40 head on. You pick up  your pen and you write. From the heart

But what’s this Facebook is telling me now? Someone I have never met, who looks like she’s from a different species all together, has got herself a little crush on me too? Can it really be true??

jennasimon

I am soooo going to add her as a friend. Though I think it’s a bit cheeky she wants me to confirm that she’s sent me Crush Message when she’s the one who’s actually sent it. Oh that Jenna, she’s such a card. FWIW LOL ROTFLMAO TIUTAF IYKWIM. Like, totally. 

Actually she probably only wants to be my friend because she saw this ad:

singles

Personally,  I think “Mate one” might have an easier time finding the cure for cancer than a single guy of that calibre round these parts: any unmarried gentlemen over the age of consent in *my* ‘hood either come with their own colostomy bag and/or Parole Officer. But hey,  you have to admire a small business whose reach far exceeds its grasp. 

Interestingly enough, a lot of the ads on Facebook are specifically targeted by “age, gender, location, interests and more” (according to Facebook itself). The “and more” is the thing that intrigues me most.  I really like to think that someone at Facebook saw my profile picture and thought “Eeeeoooowww! That [NDM] is a total hottie! Jenna Simon would, like, totally be her BFF and hey, I know this bangin’ guy who just lives around the corner from her…”. But actually, it’s more likely it’s been noted in my facebook data profile that I went through a stage of playing Scrabulous with Complete Strangers and that I play far too much Scramble than is medically advisable. That is, they’ve pegged me as being  “A Loser Who Needs a Social Life”.  Actually, make that “A Fat Loser who Needs a Social Life” since literally every second ad is for “The Supermodel Diet” (“I’m no supermodel but it worked for me!”) or the “Latest Celebrity Diet” (“I’m no celebrity but it worked for me!”) or the “South Beach Diet” (“I’m no south beach… etc”).

Of course, I just went and confirmed everything that Facebook thinks about me by clicking on that CONTINUE button because, well, my curiousity got the better of me in the end and I’d hate to think there was someone out there (two people in fact) languishing away with unacknowledged love for me. And lo! I  came to a page that said “You Have (5) New Crush E-Cards!” Which means three more people fell helplessly and hopelessly in love with me with just one click of the button. Just like that! Disappointingly, the site then just wanted me to send some Crush E-Cards to my friends and there was no further mention of my fan-base-of-five. But I know – I know! – that they’re out there somewhere, writing more poetry, loving me from a distance. The banner ad told me so and those things do not lie. Ever.

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