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Posts Tagged ‘local library’

It’s been said that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Especially when it is sprung upon you by small children holding a “Dora The Explorer’s Christmas” DVD in their little hands saying “Pleeeeeassse can we borrow this? Please please please please pleeeeeeaassssse????“. 

Amidst the ensuing surge of outrage that such a DVD could a) exist; b) be on the shelves of my local library; and c) be in the hands of my precious children, I kind of lost control of the situation and found myself saying “Okay”. And once that’s out there, there’s no taking it back…

As I handed our selections over to the librarian, I remarked: “I’m not a friend of Dora’s. Nor am I a fan of watching Christmas-themed episodes in July. But a combination of the two? Well, that could take a grown woman into a very dark place indeed…”

It was at this point that the librarian laughed nervously and took a little step back. So I did the decent thing and finished my little rant in my head. It went something like this:

Stupid Christmas Dora. Who comes up with this shit? It’s enough to push an NDM over the edge. 

But sheesh, if I’m already close that edge, Dora’s even closer. She delivers every line at fever pitch, like she’s about to have a breakdown at any moment. Who can blame her when she’s never able to look at The Map herself, she has to rely on a bunch of three year olds to look at it for her every single time. 

And that Swiper The Fox, boy has he got a problem. Not only is he a kleptomaniac, but he’s a piss-poor kleptomaniac who is sprung-bad by a bunch of three year olds Every Single Time. 

And the Back Pack? He must be pissed off that Dora won’t ever speak to him personally. Instead she gets her three year old minions to do all the negotiations, and yet he still delivers exactly what she needs to complete her mission Every. Single. Time.

And those songs? They slip into my head like tanbark in my goddamn shoes at the park and stick there for days like a cooked rice underfoot. EVERY… SINGLE…TIME…

As you can imagine, this inner rant continued on and on until suddenly I realised that the librarian had laughed nervously because he knows that valuable tax payers’ money has been used to purchase the Dora’s Christmas DVD for his library’s collection. He knows What Evil he unleashes on the community whenever that DVD is loaned out. He knows and yet… he does nothing. 

My prediction is that one day, in the not too distant future, he’ll be set upon by a whole gaggle of NDMs who have said “Back Pack!” one too many times and they’ll stand in front of him and shout “Say ‘Map’! SAY ‘MAP’!!!” again, and again, and again. Until finally, his spirit will break clean in two and he’ll put that Dora Christmas DVD in the bin where it belongs.

Now say ‘Bin’.

Bin!

LOUDER!

BINNNNNNN!!!!!

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