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Posts Tagged ‘tandem feeding’

A work friend of my husband’s evidently has seen my “WILL WRITE POSTS FOR WINE” sign because she asked him to ask me to write a post about Gisele Bundchen’s recent remarks about breastfeeding. I’ve asked my husband to ask her to pay the wine directly to me and not to pass it on via him because he is likely to have drunk the lot before the bottle even gets through the front door. Somehow I don’t think the message got through because I’ve yet to receive the wine. Or maybe she doesn’t actually know about the ‘FOR WINE’ part of my writing. However,  I remain hopeful. And just a little less drunk than I would otherwise like.

Dear Gisele,

Thank you so much for sharing your recent thoughts regarding a world-wide law to ensure mothers breastfeed their babies for the first six months. You’re obviously an Ideas Person and as one Ideas Person to another, I applaud you.

However, I remain a little uncertain of how such a law might be enforced.  My husband likes to think that there will be an international congress of topless women. I, personally, choose to imagine teams of special-force Lactating Ninjas creeping around after dark, conducting surprise inspections of recycling bins to make sure there are no empty SMA GOLD tins in there and squeezing new mother’s breasts to check that there’s adequate flow.

I mean, seriously, Gisele. What the fuck? Okay, okay, I know it’s likely that your comments were taken out of context. You probably said something much more innocent like women who don’t breastfeed should be nailed to the front doors of the maternity hospitals as an example to one and all that Breast is Best.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Gisele. I am pro-breastfeeding. I really am. I even was a card-carrying member of the Australian Breastfeeding Association and once had the uncomfortable experience of hosting an ABA meeting in my lounge room a few days after The Pixie had unexpectedly and suddenly self-weaned at 14 months. And yes, I was sad she had self-weaned, but not so sad that I was willing to pay $5 for the ABA brochure about ‘Relactation’ that they tried to sell me . After all, I was sick’n’pregnant with Tiddles McGee at the time and felt that ye olde “tandem feeding” was probably best left to other, more robust people or The Goodies cycling their way through a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Anyway, I have always known it was easy for me to be pro-breastfeeding because I had two fully-operational mama-jugs to offer my three healthy children in the comfort and safety of my first world home that I shared with my loving, supportive partner.  Just like you, Gisele. Well not just like you because, unlike you, I wasn’t modeling swimwear six weeks after the birth of my first child. That shit ain’t right.

But did you ever stop to think that not all people might be as fortunate as you, Gisele? There are a whole myriad of reasons why women might not breastfeed, many of them completely of their control. Just as there are a myriad of reasons for why women might not be able to give birth vaginally.

Apparently you never thought for a moment that you wouldn’t be able to have a natural birth. “Billions of other women have come before me and have done this  –  so why can’t I do it?’ you reportedly said to Harper’s Bazaar.

Sure, I once thought I could do it, too. Turned out, after twenty-eight hours, I couldn’t and I had to say hello to my doctor’s friend ‘Mister Knife’. Of course, had you turned up at this point to share the story of your eight-hour labour enhanced by the power of meditation, I would probably have shown you the colour of both my fists and said “MEDITATE ON THESE, BITCH”.

I mean, to be completely honest here, Gisele, you were much  more likeable when you were going out with Leonardo DiCaprio for a living. Fact.

Love,

The NDM

PS. In case you can’t tell, I did all the graphics for this letter while still under the influence of the drugs my oral surgeon gave me when he drilled into my skull.

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