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Posts Tagged ‘The Bloggess’

The other day I was trying to get down a ream of paper from the top shelf so I could refill the printer, when I fell off the stool I was standing on and banged my leg really badly. A few days later, I got a bit bored and ended up drawing two eyes, a nose and a mouth on the subsequent (and massive) bruise with a magic marker, intending to a list it on ebay along with the claim it was an apparition of Jesus  just so I would have something to blog about.

And then all of a sudden something else to blog about landed in my lap in the form of my very first rejection letter.

Now, before you get all impressed that I’ve only ever received one rejection letter, I should also add that I’ve also only ever sent in one submission for publication. Statistically, it’s not looking good.

Here is what the letter said:

Dear Not Drowning,

Thank you for submitting your article [title omitted] for consideration by our editorial review committee.

Your work has been reviewed but has not been selected for publication because it was totally crap and we hate you and would rather drink a pint of our own piss than publish your article.

Fuck off, loser.

Yours, etc.

[Name omitted]

Okay, so I may have reworded it slightly for the purposes of this blog. But I’m merely telling it as I read it, people!

Having never received a rejection letter before, I began wondering what it was that I was supposed to do. Replying seemed to be the polite thing, but what to say?

I toyed with the idea of boldly rejecting the rejection letter by replying something along the lines of:

Dear [name omitted],

Thank you for submitting your letter for consideration by my editorial review committee (i.e. me).

Unfortunately, I am unable to accept your letter at this time. I therefore look forward to seeing my article [title omitted] printed in your publication in the near future,

Yours, in anticipation

The Not Drowning Mother

And then I remembered how sending a picture of a vegetable porn star to The Bloggess had led her to endorse my 2010 Bloggies campaign and I knew that words were not enough. After all, I’d also tried to get Eddie Perfect‘s endorsement, but that had totally failed simply because I didn’t attach any photos and not because I had come across as desperate or unhinged or anything.

So I’ve been thinking of sending this instead:

Dear [name omitted],

Thank you for submitting your letter for consideration by my editorial review committee [i.e. me, a bottle of Angus Brut Brut de Brut and half a family-sized block of Cadbury’s chocolate].

I am thrilled to inform you that your letter has been accepted for publication in my blog.  Yay, you!

Unfortunately, I am unable to pay you for your work but would instead like you to have this photo of “Bruisus Christ” (attached), especially since the timely arrival of your letter gave me something to blog about and ultimately prevented me from selling my leg on ebay.

Maybe you’d like to publish it?

Yours, a little bit desperately,

The Not Drowning Mother


Yep, that’ll definitely get me published. Either that, or a letter from [publication name omitted]’s lawyers. Or maybe even a group of angry fundamentalist Christians picketing my home to get my blog closed down. Whatever. At least I’ll get the attention I’m obviously craving. Yay, me!

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IT’S OFFICIAL! Über -blogger and long-time hero of mine, The Bloggess has formally endorsed my campaign for the title of Best Australian/NZ Weblog in the 2010 Bloggies.

And by “formally endorsed”, I mean she’s posted something about it on flickr.

“How did this happen?” I hear you ask.

Well, a few days ago, I wrote her a series of emails politely requesting her support. And by “politely requesting”, I mean “pathetically begging”. And for the record, I do a very good line in pathetic begging. Don’t believe me? I’ll let you be the judge:

_____________________________________________________________

TO:  The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

Dear Jennie,

I am one of your blogging peers. I, too, am a finalist for the Bloggies. Except, well, if the truth be told, you’re like a finalist for the Bloggies and I’m like a finalist for the distant and possibly inbred cousin of the Bloggies. Yes, I am one of five Australia/New Zealand finalists. It’s a pity there couldn’t be six finalists because then all our region’s bloggers would have had a chance. Yes, I can make jokes, you know.

Anyway, I’m up against some tough competition… Is there some way you could please help further my cause via twitter or your blog? Wouldn’t you like to see the under-dog win? Although I’m loathe to use the term “under-dog” because I’m always worried it means the dog who’s taking it up the arse from the other dog on top of them.

ANYWAY, as a present to you, I am offering you this picture of a porn star I once made out of vegetables with my friend. I’m afraid that parts of her *did* get eaten some months ago – so my threat in the subject title was a little hollow. Although I’m sure part of her is still at the bottom of the compost bin, so I technically could still eat her except I expect that threatening to eat six month old compost won’t exactly spur you into action. But it might. You never know.

Yours sincerely and just an itsy-bitsy bit desperately,

The NDM


_____________________________________________________________

TO: The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

PS. Did you like how I spelt your name “Jennie”? It’s just incase you were offended by the email and then I could claim it was intended for someone else.
_____________________________________________________________

TO: The Bloggess
FROM: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

PPS. OH AND MY FRICKIN’ BLOG TITLE IS “NOT DROWNING, MOTHERING” AND THE ADDRESS IS HTTP://NOTDROWNING.WORDPRESS.COM

It’s no wonder Australia never wins wars or anything. We’re fucking hopeless.

_____________________________________________________________

FROM: The Bloggess
TO: The NDM
SUBJECT: RE: READ THIS EMAIL OR I’LL EAT THE VEGIE PORN STAR

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebloggess/4308592975/ For you.

_____________________________________________________________

My sincere gratitude goes out to the Bloggess for a) indulging me with her flickr post and b) not alerting the authorities. And also to all my friends and family who have put up with endless rounds of emails begging them to vote for me this past week. I promise it won’t happen again. No, really. 

Please feel free to add your own endorsement in the comments section below and remember to Vote 1 for “Not Drowning, Mothering”  before 31st January 10:PM EST (That’s somewhere-in-America time).

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