Posts Tagged ‘Wiggles bandaids’

It’s recently come to my attention that I’m not being taken seriously as a writer and that my blog is being pigeon-holed as a “parenting blog”. To show that there’s more to me and my blog, I decided to have an up-close and personal chat with an inflatable doll dressed up as Brad Pitt.


NOT DROWNING MOTHER: Welcome, Inflatable Brad Pitt! It’s great to have you here today. Are you okay with that beard I’ve stuck on you? I couldn’t find any glue or sticky tape so I’ve used Wiggles bandaids. They seem to be holding so far but Jeff looks like he’s struggling a bit. Lazy git. (tries to readjust beard a bit).

Now, before we get started, would you like a drink? Tea or coffee? I’ve also got some cordial which the kids have deemed to be ‘bisgusting’, improbably called ‘Gubble Bum’. It sounds like euphemism for ‘arse licker’, if you ask me.

INFLATABLE BRAD PITT: (gives blank look)

NDM: Sorry, ‘bum’ is an Australian word for arse. You know, like your American word ‘fanny’ – although, arguably, a cordial called “Gobble Fanny” is even less appropriate… Anyway, what do you think of my new haircut? Do I look like the little dude from that 70s family show ‘Eight Is Enough’ or what?

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: Go on, say it. Although, I’m not sure I can take hair advice from a blow up sex doll with pubic hair stuck to its chin.

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: Don’t worry. I didn’t cut any especially or anything. It was from the plughole.

IBP: (beard falls off)

NDM: (mutters) Stupid Jeff… Anyway, Inflatable Brad, I’m really glad to see you’ve got all the inflatable versions of your kids here for the interview, along with their inflatable nannies. Sorry I didn’t have enough balloons to make them all. I actually had to blow up a couple of cask wine “space bags” for the twins. And before you go checking, I drank the wine first.

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: It wasn’t until I had to blow them all up that I really appreciated what a tribe you have there. Why, I’ve heard that even your nannies have nannies! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Seriously though, whenever you travel are you ever tempted to stage a flash-mob stunt at, say, the transit lounge in Singapore Changi airport?

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: You should try it – especially after a long flight and the kids have gone totally feral. Whenever my three kids all have a simultaneous meltdown in the supermarket, I just pretend it’s a Telstra-sponsored flash mob and video it with my mobile phone. You’d be surprised how much nicer people are about screaming children if they think they’re going to end up on YouTube.

ANYWAY, I know your PR person specifically told me not to ask any questions about your ex-wife but someone’s got to ask the tough questions. And that someone is me. Inflatable Brad: are you still friends with Jennifer Aniston on facebook or has she blocked you?

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: Answer the question, Brad! Your fans need to know!

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: I think you just nodded, but it might have been because Inflatable Maddox popped and caused you to fall forward a little. Whatever. I’ve heard a lot of people unfriended Jen when she got really into FarmVille there and kept sending out requests for people to feed her beaver or something stupid. I mean, who keeps beavers on a farm?

IBP: (blank look)

NDM: Yeah, I don’t know either. But what I will say is (hears sound of husband’s keys in the front door) it’s-been-great-having-you-here-today. (hurriedly stuffs Inflatable Brad under the bed and kicks all inflatable kids and nannies into the kids’ room).


Yep, that should do the job nicely. Very nicely indeed.

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