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Posts Tagged ‘Wii Fit Plus’

I’ve suspected for a while that my Wii Fit Plus instructor is trying to crack onto me. No, really. Last week, for three Wii Fit sessions in a row, he was all “I didn’t sleep at all well last night…” like he was about to add  “…because I couldn’t stop thinking about you”.

I mean, I must cut a pretty fine figure when exercising in my old foremilk-stained maternity nightie, with all my lovely-jubbly-mummy-bits bouncing up and down. Of course he wants me. He’s only human! Well, admittedly, he’s not human, he’s computer-generated… but still!

Then something strange happened. Just as I thought ‘Mr Fit’ (as I call him) might make his move, the next time I fired up the Wii, the Female Instructor suddenly appeared.

“I’m filling in for your regular trainer today. I hope you don’t mind!” she announced cheerfully, with no explanation to where Mr Fit was.

I felt a little put out. Who did she think she was, marching onto my TV screen uninvited? Then I began to wonder if she and Mr Fit might be a couple – although, judging from the Crying Game-sized bulge in her lycra exercise pants, if they were a couple they’d be a Couple With A Difference. Whatever. It was clear she was definitely checking me out to see why Mr Fit couldn’t stop thinking about me and, to be quite frank, she must have liked what she’d seen because the next day, there she was again, ready and willing to lead me through my Single Leg Twists and Sideways Leg Lifts.

“Where’s Mr Fit???” I shouted angrily at the screen. As much as I didn’t want to encourage his attentions, I also had grown to secretly enjoy them. After all, a woman with my levels of mumsiness is used to being pretty much invisible to adult males that aren’t legally or financially bound to her.

Anyway, it turns out my children had swapped instructors for me when I wasn’t looking. I think they were worried they might end up with a new Cyber-Daddy. I reassured them that I wasn’t interested in ‘Mr Fit’. Not in that way. Especially with his ‘push-pull’ approach to relationships, where he’ll praise me with “Your balance is excellent!” but then immediately reproach me with “Your leg is shaking a little. It’s not good for your back!”. I mean, what’s it going to be, Mr Fit? Is my balance excellent or am I putting my back in danger? Sheesh.

“Also, he doesn’t move his mouth when he talks,” I told them. “It’s unnerving.” I didn’t add that it would probably make him a lousy kisser.

Anyway, in the interests of full disclosure, I told my husband all about Mr Fit being hot for me and the strange Lady-Man who tried to get between us. And then I told him how I was blogging about it but I couldn’t find a single image of Mr Fit on google images. There were plenty of pics of some other male trainer, but not my Mr Fit. It was like he only existed for me…

“I mean, don’t you think it’s strange?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said, significantly. “I think it’s very, very strange”.

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In an attempt to be the Healthiest Me I could be, I decided earlier this year that it was time for me to join a gym. Yes, I was going to become a Gym Person. Just like that!

Of course, four months later, I hadn’t even managed to get to the gym to pick up their application form, let alone do any exercise.

In the end, I was forced to concede that a gym membership might not be the smartest way for me to spend my money. So instead I went out and bought myself a Wii Fit Plus pack. This way I could do exercise in the comfort of my own home without having to purchase an AbTronic SuperPro 2000 or some other ‘as seen on TV’ home fitness solution that utilises NASA technology and is only used by people with impossibly white teeth.

To begin my Wii Fit journey, I first had to do a fitness assessment – with mixed results. After declaring me to be ‘overweight’ and having my Wii avatar (my ‘Mii’) literally inflate like a balloon in front of my eyes, it then assessed my ‘Physical Age’ as being that of a 31 year old. And since that was the age I was before three successive pregnancies laid complete waste to my body, I was pretty happy with that. A couple of days later, however, I saw my Wii Fit Age fluctuate from 22 years (in the morning) to 39 years (just shortly before ‘wine o’clock’). Although, that may have had more to do with the fact that I’d had all three kids home all day with a vomiting bug than any inconsistencies in the Wii Fit program.

But ‘Wii Fit’ is more than a Biggest Loser-style weigh in. There are dozens and dozens of games for you to play in the name of fitness on the ‘Wii Fit Plus’ disk. Personally, I love anything with the word ‘Plus’ in it because it gives me the sense of getting something extra, even when I’m not entirely sure what that something is.

One of my favourite Wii Fit Plus games is where a guy right out of a Guy Ritchie film teaches me ‘Rhythm Boxing’. Man, is that grumpy geezer hard to please! At the end of each session, he always and says “I know you can do better than that.” Perhaps he’s training me up for a jewel heist? Other favourites include the Kung Fu Rhythm (I am the Karate Kid – except with Kung Fu instead) and Super Hula Hoop (it’s all in the hips, people!). However, I’m yet to be convinced of the health benefits of dressing in a penguin suit and sliding along ice on your stomach in the imaginatively named ‘Penguin Slide’. Still, the kiddies love it and that’s got to be a good thing, right?

The kids’ favourite is the ‘Zazen’ (Zen meditation) game, which involves sitting on the Wii Balance Board in contemplative mediation while a candle burns on the screen in front of you. When you finish your mediation and move, the candle blows out. Mr Justice loves it because it’s a serious challenge for him to sit completely still for more than 15 seconds and the boy seriously likes a challenge. The Pixie, in contrast, thinks the purpose of the game is to get the candle blown out as soon as possible and so is always punching the air and shouting “YES!” whenever the flame is extinguished.

Of course when I sat down to try it and had Tiddles McGee immediately jump on my back, the program gave me a one-star rating and declared me to be ‘Unbalanced’. I guess someone had to say it…

Anyway, I just realised that this blog post is as close to a Product Review as I’ve ever got. And no, Nintendo have not asked me to write this, nor have they crossed my palm with gold and/or other games compatible with the Wii Fit program (hint, hint). Nor have they sent round the Wii Fit limo, replete with a magnum of low-joule low-alcohol champagne and a handsome personal trainer called Pablo who offered to massage my feet. In the low-joule low-alcohol champagne. While I drank vodka shots lined up along his back…

But I digress. I guess if this really is a product review, I need to end with a summary.

PROS: You can wear your pyjamas while exercising.

CONS: My ‘Mii’ needs bigger breasts.

Yep, that should do it. Let the Product Review requests and the free stuff roll in. Woo hoo! (*punches air*).

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