Sure, a normal person might not have phoned her Internet Service Provider to sort out her flailing internet before the school run.
And during the ensuing 45 minute conversation with the Nice Young Man from said ISP, a normal person might not have attempted to get dressed for the aforementioned school run.
And the small son of a normal person would probably not have cried “Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!!” upon sighting his mother’s naked breasts. And most certainly would not have then started wailing “I want to touch the boobies!” when the mother rapidly tried to move away from him, all whilst still on the phone to the Nice Young Man from the ISP.
And a normal person definitely wouldn’t have then given in and let her small son poke her breasts and make a delighted “Dee-dee-dee-dee!” sound while she was trying to type in DNS settings on the instructions of that Nice Young Man from the ISP.
Other things normal people would not do:
- let a four-year old ride her scooter on the 1km walk to school when they’re already running late, determining her readiness for such an endeavour on a 10 second scootering “audition” around the backyard. In the end, the daughter’s scootering turned a 10 minute journey into a 25 minute one and earned her mother a) a late pass and b) a reputation for being a screaming-crazy-bitch.
- not check how much money she had in her wallet before she ordered food at the local cafe. Apparently chocolate money is not considered legal tender in this country. Go figure.
- ignore her small son’s plaintive cries as they walked home from the cafe in the rain – YES, THE RAIN – only to finally turn around and see that his trousers had fallen completely down. And that there were tutting onlookers in a nearby parked car.
- incentivise her two youngest children on that agonising final stretch home by promising a showing of “Power Rangers Ninja Storm”.
- get home all wet, tired and cranky to discover her eldest son’s lunchbox on the kitchen table.
- side step the contractually-obliged showing of “Power Rangers Ninja Storm” by promising McDonalds for lunch if everyone got into the car as quickly as possible to take the lunchbox back to the school.
- change both children’s wet clothes in the back of the Tarago directly outside the school so that they were both semi-naked and jumping up and down shouting “McDonalds! McDonalds” JUST as a group of parents walked out the school gates.
- have to listen to the doctor explain that she’s developing premature osteoarthritis while her eldest son was doing “The Chicken Dance” behind the doctor’s back.
- lose her car park ticket while groveling around the floor of Kmart trying to find the matching size 2 Ben 10 “light up heels” sneaker and end up having to pay $13.50 for 45 minutes parking even though she smiled her brightest and prettiest smile to the car park attendant.
- drive home sobbing because of the stupid car park ticket, because she’s getting osteoarthritis and she’s only 38, because her daughter’s the slowest “scooterer” the world has ever known, because her handbag is full of chocolate money, because of everything. Everything.
No, a normal person wouldn’t have to do any of those things. And yes, I did do all those things (and more) yesterday. Because I’m not a normal person, I’m a mother.
And mothers know there is no such thing as normal.