What a difference a decade makes.
Ten years ago, when my husband and I went on our honeymoon, my husband had scabies – a little wedding gift he’d picked up from our cheap and nasty rental accommodation at the time.
And now, exactly ten years later, just before we set off on our “second honeymoon” (a one-night-in-a-seaside-hotel-without-the-children-and-with-too-much-wine occasion) I discovered I had myself a good old-fashioned case of The Nits.
Now, I don’t know about anybody else, but I find it hard to kick back and relax when I know I’ve got a colony of lice fucking themselves ragged on my scalp.
Amazingly, this is only the second time I’ve had to deal with The Nits. I say “amazingly” because, as regular readers of this blog will know, all you have to do is mention the words “gastro outbreak” and one of my children will start spontaneously vomiting. So you’d figure we’d maintain an open door policy for all types of school yard pestilence. But no. I think it has something to do with the fact I rarely wash my children’s hair and nits apparently only like clean scalps. Which makes them discerning as well as deeply annoying.
Anyway, the last time we had an outbreak, it was well over two years ago. I had found one gaily frolicking on The Pixie’s scalp and so asked my husband to check my (extremely itchy) head.
After five minutes’ careful examination, my husband pronounced me to be clear.
I wasn’t convinced, so I slathered my head in conditioner and proceeded to comb at least fifteen adult lice out.
When I’d finished, I calmly presented him with the full body count, laid out on a tissue.
“Oh,” he said, legitimately surprised. “Well, I didn’t see a thing!”
Obviously. I think I then probably said something about how next time he checked my scalp for nits, he might like to use his “looking eyes” – only, it’s likely I threw in an expletive or two for good measure. As I said, I was calm.
This time, however, it’s the Pixie who has the infestation and I’m just accommodating the overflow. And, like a B-grade zombie flick, the little buggers have proved to be unkillable. Every time I think I’ve vanquished them, they’re back. I’ve had to boil pillow cases, machine-wash pillows and hats and bring out the KP24, also known as the napalm of the lice treatment world.
When The Pixie first saw the bottle come out, she asked with wide eyes “Will that get rid of the bugs, mummy?”
“At $15 a bottle, I should bloody well hope so,” I replied, somewhat grimly.
“I think… I think that I’ll have no more bugs when I’m 16!” The Pixie said with lashings of her ever-sunny optimism. She was so close to the truth, it didn’t bear thinking about.
Anyway, now all I can do is sit and wait for a week before the next KP24 application and hope for the “all clear”. And by “sit and wait”, I mean obsessively pore over my children’s scalp like some kind of OCD primate at every single opportunity. And by “all clear”, I mean “until the following week”.
Anyway, I know most of you reading this started scratching your heads at the first mention of the word “nits”. To you, I say: Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean I’ve given them to you. Not necessarily. Why, it’s a natural reaction to start scratching! It’s like when someone says the magic words “happy hour” and, before you know it, you’ve ordered a round of Flirtinis. Or someone mentions something about “Barney The Dinosaur” and, next thing you know, you find you’ve put your fist through a wall. Or someone mutters something about a “gastro outbreak” and… oh my sweet fuck… was that Tiddles McGee I just heard throwing up?
NDM, if we could find some way to pass nits on to Barney, we’d all be winners.
Awaydad, apparently nits are species-specific. I expect the kind that Super-Dee-Dooper purple dinosaurs get are more annoying than we could ever imagine. Still, we could use real napalm to get rid of them….
Wow, you haven’t just picked, you’ve researched the little buggers! I’ll have to remember to stay off any mind altering drugs (like I have a choice….) for awhile. I don’t want any of those Barney/Nit induced flashbacks.
yes I did start scratching….. ::shudders:: don’t like bugs :: shudders::
See? And people say I never give anyone anything…
Oh I remember those days. When Dave was at primary school there was an outbreak of super-nits. The little fuckers were resistant to chemical warfare. You could have put a saddle on some of them and ridden them to work they were huge mutant nits. I caught some and put them in a batch of poison and you could see them swimming around happily going ‘ner ner’ we are immune to this shit human!
I eventually killed them with a mix of tea-tree oil and grim determination. Bastard things.
Those nits sound more Terminator than organic matter. I’m hoping the KP24 will get the job done…
Ah, the perfect romantic night away, just the seventeen of you…
Oh yes indeed… most of the sweet nothings I heard were lice laying eggs just behind my ear…
JOY. And yes, I am scratching now. Thanks for that.
Joy, indeed. Why keep it all to myself when I can be sharing it with you all (*scratch scratch*)…
Your title is inspired!
To give credit where credit is due, I came up with “Lice-sense to kill” and my husband threw in Eggs. The man’s a genius.
Oh the empathy – not to worry you, but we’ve had a case of lice in this house for over a year…it is insane making, try coming two children every second night only till they are clear only to have them turn up the following saturday – if say the clear day was a wednesday with a bloody ancient grown up fully grown five to ten lice on their head that they have picked up from school and oh so kindly passed on a couple to you as well…oh and the clean scalp thing – not true, and the lice killing stuff – doesn’t work – please tell me if you are using the overnight stuff and that does work as that is a step I haven’t taken yet, not wanting all my childrens hair to fall off (i know, I know – unlikely and hats – but still) This year (since they moved school which may or may not be a coincidence) they are reducing in number, we thought we were clear till this weekend when I started itching. I had 30. THIRTY. Hair die does not fade them nor parethrum kill them all – so now i shall be combed every two days and the kids weekly, plus the lice kill kill die stuff…but babies only had 5 each…definate improvement…I do think its my hair being twice as long as anyone elses in the house that does it – anyway – thank you for letting me vent, for being brave enough to go out there with your lice banner and wave it wildly, and oh, try olive oil and shower cap…soak childs head in olive oil – literally soak, put on shower cap and wrap in manner of woman out of shower with wet hair with towel – leave for two hours or more then comb. it smothers them…*evil laughter much* (god I hate the little crawling buggers)
For over year? Here I was, hoping they’d be occasional drop-in guests until The Pixie turns 16. You’re making me scared now…
comBing – of course…
It’s a view to a kill. That way you’ll have at least a quantum of solace (I tried to work in “for your thighs only” but couldn’t).
I’ll stop now.
The thighs gag probably only would work if your thighs are extremely very hairy and thus prone to lice infestations.
Which mine are not.
I can empathise with you on many levels here! Having had the little buggers myself, I home treated successfully, thankfully and now regularly (kind of) nitcomb with the metal monster to check.
OH is no longer consulted… we’ve had ‘the talk’ about ‘looking and LOOKING’ and he’s none the wiser, I’d be better off getting my 3yo to inspect- she’d probably be much gentler too!
…and yes, I’m itching
I’m just waiting for the kids to be old enough to check themselves, frankly. Oh, and me. My husband’s on his own.
Great, now I’m scratching all over as I fart, spew, drink my stiff drink and punch a hole in the wall
You sure know how to have a good time, rubytwoshoes…
Yes, me too, scratching!! Thanks for that!!! lol
I’m really spreading that love, ain’t I?
Congratulations on the big win! I love your blog and I was so busy reading all the back-blogs I forgot to vote. Felt guilty bit since you won anyway now I am just happy. Go you!
Luckily, my other two readers remembered to vote and that prize is now mine. (Thanks for the congratulations).
SQUEEEEEE! (again) Congratulations!!!
Thank you thank you thank you.
Congratulations on your win 🙂
On Friday, I bought the foamy stuff to do son’s hair, doing that tonight and I think I’ll do mine as well since there’s no-one here with looking eyes to check mine and I am, of course, itching fit to burst now…
Meh, I hate those itchies with a passion.
I used the foamy stuff on myself this morning (settle down everyone – I’m talking lice treatments here) so let’s swap notes in a week’s time.
Squeeeeee Congratulations. I am thrilled to bits for you. YAY!!!
Thank you, Kim. It was honour enough to make the final five and to share that with you, Ally, Kerri and Mia.
Congratulations on your bloggies win!!
Yay! Winning a bloggie award certainly has distracted people from the fact I have nits. (Thank you!)
Fucking themselves ragged – Nothing could be more descriptive, true or funny. No wonder you just won your Bloggie Category!
We too battle the nits (me included) actually now I think about it, it’s just the females in our house. My hair is curly and impossible to spot anything in.
So, to date, I have secured nearly every single type of nit comb, plastic, electronic (didn’t work btw for $70 FREAKING BUCKS). KP24, Quitnits yada yada. Tried it all. Apparently vegetable oil is the best and only way. But I am reluctant to put oil in my hair or my daughters.
Instead we put conditioner in, I comb, squish between my two thumbnails and keep going til it’s all clear.
So romantic on your 2nd honeymoon. Hope you guys still had a nice night away.
Vegetable oil? Zoinks. I guess the one positive thing is that your scalp will never be clean again and no louse in its right mind will want to set up house there (and screw his girlfriend in your left leyebrow).
I agree with you Bern – I’m picturing ragged lice. VERY funny, and yes, true!
Ew, scabies. Now there’s a nightmare infestation. Lice have nothin’ on scabies!
And now, to clever you, NDM, and Bloggies. I KNEW you’d win the best Aus/NZ category! Bravo. See? You’re ace!
Firtly CONGRATULATIONS NDM!!!!very much deserved…
secondly – I use olive oil in my hair and my daughters and it really, really kills them – and – bonus point makes hair really shiny and soft when washed out (in india its used as a hair care product) it works and washes out – see my comment above…there is nothing quite as satifying as a louse you have drowned in oil….
well actually many more things, but in this case not many…
I just had to come back and jump around in your comments section going squeeeeee and yay and act like an idiot for a bit longer. hehehe
Hey, usually its me running around acting like an idiot on this blog. I’m grateful for someone else to do it for a change… you don’t happen to have nits right now, do you?
Hey lady! Congrats on the Bloggie 😀
Thanks, Ally. I hope I don’t make your Weiner Of The Week list for winning. Or for having nits.
I’m going to pray that the angel of lice passes over our house because I will be the OCD primate checking my boys scalps all day long. And no one needs that.
Our town in the Tropics is so prone to outbreaks we have two ‘specialty shops’. Miss 3 was eggstatic at our first outbreak to visit said shop where her hair was oiled, cling wrapped, combed, shampooed & washed and a ‘what-the-hell-while-we’re-here’ significant trim for good measure. All the while being entertained with her choice of magazines, playstation or portable DVD. Now is she is convinced that’s exactly where mummy goes to get her hair ‘done’… and for 25 bucks sadly part of me wishes it was…
NDM forgive me, I’ve been a silent fan for Ages, particularly love Domestic Godliness… ‘School sores’ are our current nightmare- let me know if you wanna trade? I caught myself contemplating boiling bedlinen this morning…
Congratulations on winning your Bloggie! I hope there’s a Kate Winslett / Gwyneth Paltrow style speech coming on…
I’m sure the nits were just trying to get in on the action (2nd honeymoon AND an award winning writer) and hoping to nibble on a few champagne flavoured dead skin cells.
WOOHOO!!!
Big congrats!!!
I read the title and I itched.
I read the middle and I itched.
I read you talking about how when I read the title I itched and I itched.
Lice suck!
Bloggies are awesome, though.
Congrats!
Oh this takes me back!
When my son was doing jazz dancing, he got to perform as a robot, wearing silver tubing and spiky hair. As a last-minute make-do-with-what-we-have measure, I spiked his hair with Vaseline jelly over 3 nights of performances.
He hadn’t complained of itching at all, but there we were – combing drowned nits out of his scalp! Of course it took another week to wash the grease out too, but it was a good non-poisonous way to deal to the monsters, especially for a short-haired boy!
Как читать чужой whatsapp через телефон – Возможно ли читать чужие сообщения в whatsapp, Читать чужой Whatsapp с телефона