I’ve suspected for a while that my Wii Fit Plus instructor is trying to crack onto me. No, really. Last week, for three Wii Fit sessions in a row, he was all “I didn’t sleep at all well last night…” like he was about to add “…because I couldn’t stop thinking about you”.
I mean, I must cut a pretty fine figure when exercising in my old foremilk-stained maternity nightie, with all my lovely-jubbly-mummy-bits bouncing up and down. Of course he wants me. He’s only human! Well, admittedly, he’s not human, he’s computer-generated… but still!
Then something strange happened. Just as I thought ‘Mr Fit’ (as I call him) might make his move, the next time I fired up the Wii, the Female Instructor suddenly appeared.
“I’m filling in for your regular trainer today. I hope you don’t mind!” she announced cheerfully, with no explanation to where Mr Fit was.
I felt a little put out. Who did she think she was, marching onto my TV screen uninvited? Then I began to wonder if she and Mr Fit might be a couple – although, judging from the Crying Game-sized bulge in her lycra exercise pants, if they were a couple they’d be a Couple With A Difference. Whatever. It was clear she was definitely checking me out to see why Mr Fit couldn’t stop thinking about me and, to be quite frank, she must have liked what she’d seen because the next day, there she was again, ready and willing to lead me through my Single Leg Twists and Sideways Leg Lifts.
“Where’s Mr Fit???” I shouted angrily at the screen. As much as I didn’t want to encourage his attentions, I also had grown to secretly enjoy them. After all, a woman with my levels of mumsiness is used to being pretty much invisible to adult males that aren’t legally or financially bound to her.
Anyway, it turns out my children had swapped instructors for me when I wasn’t looking. I think they were worried they might end up with a new Cyber-Daddy. I reassured them that I wasn’t interested in ‘Mr Fit’. Not in that way. Especially with his ‘push-pull’ approach to relationships, where he’ll praise me with “Your balance is excellent!” but then immediately reproach me with “Your leg is shaking a little. It’s not good for your back!”. I mean, what’s it going to be, Mr Fit? Is my balance excellent or am I putting my back in danger? Sheesh.
“Also, he doesn’t move his mouth when he talks,” I told them. “It’s unnerving.” I didn’t add that it would probably make him a lousy kisser.
Anyway, in the interests of full disclosure, I told my husband all about Mr Fit being hot for me and the strange Lady-Man who tried to get between us. And then I told him how I was blogging about it but I couldn’t find a single image of Mr Fit on google images. There were plenty of pics of some other male trainer, but not my Mr Fit. It was like he only existed for me…
“I mean, don’t you think it’s strange?” I asked him.
“Yes,” he said, significantly. “I think it’s very, very strange”.
Gorgeous. I totally want a totally hot Mr Fit. Or even a Ms Fit. I’m single, I’ll take what I can get …Alas, don’t have a wii. Only wees in this house.
There must be an automated telephone service which uses a sexy voice which might do it for you… Don’t ring Telstra, though. The woman’s ‘barely-contained mirth’ is enough to make me feel the Type One vomit at the back of my teeth.
I chose the woman way back when I actually fired the Wii up. And yes, now you mention it, she does indeed have a suspicious looking package. And you’re right, “Your leg is shaking a little” in her crisp english accent makes me want to tell her to come into my loungeroom of distration and do it better.
I do hope you can get Mr Fit to reappear, perhaps he was just a fleeting pleasure.
Oh, Mr Fit is back. I insisted my children bring him back. Not because I wanted him or anything… but to make a point that they shouldn’t alter my Wii settings without my express approval. Yes, that’s it. It was a matter of principle. Yes.
Distraction, see so distracted, I couldn’t spell distracted. That or I don’t proof read x
Huh? (she says, distracted by that shiny thing over in the corner).
Being a man, I natirally choose to see this rather differently. No photo? Pffft. That’s red flag right there. Shannan Ponton from Biggest Loser doesn’t hide in the shadows when getting the Blue Team to drop and give him 200. Even the secretive hard man of the show, The Commando, is only hidden behind wrap around glasses.
I am not happy with Mr Fit’s reticent act, seemingly lifted from Phantom of the Opera (maybe he looks like Anthony Warlow?)
I think Mr Fit needs to get his image out on the web and not leave his fans and your readers wondering. I for one suspect that he is afraid of the competition. Specifically Alberto ‘Beto’ Perez, inventor of Zumba and seen (in the link below) pointing at the miscreant who just ran off with his shirt. He’s also squinting because his eyesight really isn’t what it was. But it turns out that when you look like this no one cares if you’re 20/20 or even if you can read. Zumba!
I don’t know who Alberto ‘Beto’ Perez is, but I like his squinty, shirtless style.
Mr Fit keeps his shirt on, however. Perhaps I’d like him more if he appeared naked?
Actually strike that last thought. I just had a vision of him doing the jackknife naked. Not pretty. Not nice.
Do you think he is cheating on you? Maybe with Bulge Crotch lady? SUS
If anything, he was attempting to be unfaithful to *her* with me. But I’m nobody’s mistress or bit on the side. I’m the Main Course, thank you very much.
I’m also invisible thanks to my mumsiness… apparently not just to all males above the age of 3.5 but three quarters of the other kinder mums as well… I say take all the electronic adoration you can. I can’t believe that even in the electronic world trainers can be so fickle and not turn up to a session. You didn’t sign up for that!
I find that being invisible can sometimes work in my favour. It means I can stand amongst a group of male adults and openly mock them and they don’t even notice. Or, if they *do* notice, they don’t care… (*sniff*)
I love my Wii Fitness Trainers both the male & female are awesome but do wish they were real ones that could be actually in our loungeroom pushing us into postion when your really not in postion
So what you’re saying here is that you’d like to get physical with both of them at the same time??
Besides questionable packages, my wii fit trainers are terribly nosy – when my husband uses the wii fit, it usually starts by saying hello to him, weighs him, and then starts asking about me and other family members “I haven’t seen grandma around lately” – it’s almost like a wii stalker!
Yeah, that’s the animated balance board – the most annoying thing to grace a screen since the animated paperclip on Microsoft Office.
It’s always asking if it can share a ‘Fitness Tip’ with me. Unfortunately, the only two choices I have in response are ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ and not ‘FUCK OFF AND DIE’.
My female got so grumpy with me that I stopped playing. I couldn’t HELP that I was shaking, I’d just popped my hip out of joint. Growling at me to get back up was like kicking me when I was down.
Bitch.
Of course, it could also be that I’ve been lazy and can’t be bothered having to play on the wii, with 13kgs of toddler attached to my front.
13kg of toddler attached to your front? Isn’t that called ‘resistance training’? See, you’re exercising and getting fit without even trying.
I think Mr Fit can be a wee bit indecisive. I’ve had similar issues with his telling me I’m doing a great job, then immediately, “you’re wobbling a bit”.
No, actually, I’m wobbling a lot. I have copious amounts of fat and a toddler climbing all over me. YOU DO IT UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! I scream at him.
The not move-y mouth freaks me out a bit, too. Maybe that’s why there are no images of him on google images? He’s a bit thingy about his lack of mouth-movement?
Ashamed by it?
Or … maybe, he’s in the loungerooms of many mums and cracking onto all of them and doesn’t want to end up with his image on one of those websites that list bastards and philanderers, the name of which I have forgotten.
Hmmm.
Both entirely plausible explanations.
Of course the other explanation for lack of photographs is that I’ve made him up entirely and that we don’t even have a Wii but I start each day by flirting with a blank television screen…
Brilliant!
Brilliant is a much nicer word than ‘strange’. I’ll let my husband know that next time I tell him about a blog post I’m writing, it’s the word he should use.
(PS. Thank you)
(1) Love “a woman with my levels of mumsiness is used to being pretty much invisible to adult males that aren’t legally or financially bound to her.” Very funny.
(2) You have a lot of very funny followers (in a good way).
(3) The Lady Man is taking a leaf out of the book of the wife of my local Jim’s Mowing man, Luke. Luke is mega hot, and his wife accompanied him to our first appointment, obviously to head off any attempts by me to pay Luke in kind. He can mow my lawn any time.
1) Thank you. Unfortunately it’s true.
2) Yes, I do. I’d like to claim that I *make* them funny (just as I *make* my husband funny), but really, they’re all quite funny on their own.
3) Whenever I see that Jim’s Mowing vehicle, I’m always looking out for Luke. I’ve yet to sight him. Mrs Luke must insist he duck whenever a vehicle drives by slowly.
Maybe he thought that *you* had something going on for him, and in the interests of professionalism, he’s bowed out before things get, you know, awkward. Just sayin.
And as for the kids ‘swapping’ your instructor? Sorry, but that just reeks of Mr Fit coercing them in to helping him. He probably promised them extra points on Wii Sports or something. The Wii equivalent to lollies, you know.
Oh god. That’s changed everything. I’ve probably been labeled a ‘Bunny Boiler’ by the Wii Fit community and they’re all laughing at me in a pitying way…
Ahem, I chose the female instructor because I was too embarrassed to have a man witness my wobbly bits, thinking that I would switch to him once I’d achieved a suitably fit and toned body…
I always say if a man isn’t going to love you for your wobbly bits then he’s obviously not sex-starved enough.
I’ve been meaning to ask how the Wii Fit has been going. My questions would have related more to the exercise aspects, rather than the potential for emotional entanglements, however. I’m not so sure I could handle the complications that may arise from a relationship with my very own “Mr Fit”. Unless of course those complications may include occasional child care and housework.
Love it! Very funny post! I hope Mr Fit is back soon!