The other day, I rang my husband at work.
“Let’s pretend for a moment that one of my aims before I turned 40 was to get quoted in the Australian Women’s Weekly,” I said. “You know, instead of getting a book published or becoming a syndicated columnist for a major print and/or online publication…”
“Uh, ok-ay,” my husband said slowly.
“Well, guess what?!” I enthused. “I was quoted in this month’s Australian Women’s Weekly and I’m turning 40 next week! Yay, me!”
“Yay you!” my husband said. “That magazine has a circulation of about two million, you know.”
“Well then guess how many people have already searched for ‘Not Drowning, Mothering’ today probably as a direct result of that article?” I asked.
“How many?”
“Three!” I exclaimed. I think I might have punched the air as I said it.
“Quick, let’s monetize them before they read any more of your blog and and you lose them forever!” my husband replied, no doubt with dollar signs in his eyes.
I’m not sure if monetizing those three readers is going on my ‘bucket list’ for turning 40. And if you don’t know what a ‘bucket list’ you can either accept my definition of it as being a list of those things you hope to achieve before you drink champagne out of a bucket at your 40th birthday party or you can click here.
Somewhat predictably, my list is getting less and less ambitious the closer my fortieth birthday gets. Of course, quite a few have been ticked off – e.g. convince someone to marry me, convince someone (preferably the same person) to have kids with me… But gone are all hopes of, say, a lucrative book deal, spending six months drinking wine in the south of France or even finding the perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in.
At the moment only three things on the list, with one week left to achieve them. They are:
1. AVOID GASTRO “LIKE THE PLAGUE”: Every time anyone mentions the word ‘gastro’ in my presence, I physically jump back a metre from them. One woman I saw at the shops, pointed at her son (who was wrestling with my Tiddles McGee at the time) and told me he’d been firing out both ends for nine days. Nine days. It was all I could do to pick Tiddles up, throw him over my shoulder and run from the building screaming. If I’m going to spend my fortieth dealing with vomit I want it to the be excessive-alcohol-induced variety. Just sayin’.
2. BE COLDSORE-FREE: Just two days ago, my top lip suddenly exploded into song, that song having something to do with the fact that the lip had herpes.
I rang my dear friend KT, a fellow HVP-1 sufferer, and she helped me do the maths.
“You have ten sleeps until your party,” she said. “You’ll be fine. Your coldsore couldn’t have come at a better time.”
Uh, my coldsore might have thought about coming after my party. Nobody wants to go to a party with the birthday girl looking like this:3. MOUSTACHE-BE-GONE: The volume of dark hairs on my upper lip has been causing strangers on the street some gender confusion lately. Getting rid of it is easier said than done, of course, because it’s currently sharing the same real estate as the cold sore and I’m afraid the anti-moustache lotion that I bought might anger the cold sore unnecessarily and cause it to stage some kind of hostile invasion of my entire mouth and then I won’t even have my moustache to help conceal it. It’s a bad situation.
__________________________
Of course I realise that, now I’ve blogged about these things, I’ve totally jinxed myself. Which is why I’m now planning to wear a bucket on my head on my 40th birthday. Not only will it hid my coldsore and my moustache from the world, but it will come into its own when the gastro hits.
I may even decorate it with the pages from ‘The Australian Women’s Weekly’ article I was quoted in, just to show people I’m not a total loser.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I do so love it when a plan comes together…
You should totally curl and wax that moustache and own it. I’ll keep you company with my Italian Nonna chin beard.
Nice advice, KC.
You should know that the coldsore reared its ugly head about five minutes after you left my house the other day. So I’m blaming you. If you hadn’t left, none of this would have happened. NONE OF IT.
The Australian Women’s Weekly’s circulation is now two million and one, as I have purchased my copy. Go NDM!
And now two million and two, now that your sister has bought it. Although, I was saddened to hear that your mother merely flipped through it at the supermarket checkout….
All these years I spent aiming high, when all I needed to do was not aim! Thank you NDM, you are so wise pre-40, you will be even more sagacious after….
Hold on to your hat, Mr Triv… the post-40 me is going to Blow. Your. Fucking. Mind. (and probably be in bed most nights before 9pm)
God you’re posts always crack me up! The bucket sounds like it’s going to be the perfect accessory to your party outfit!
It’s almost certain that I will make the bucket sohotrightnow. Even Ned Kelly will look like an NDM wannabe.
My gift to myself for my 40th Birthday was always going to be that my kids would be old enough to be left alone and I could go on a cruise and sip non-alcoholic mocktails by the pool. Unfortunately I forgot for this to be viable I would need to stop having kids. *sigh* I’ll be 40 next July, there’s no cruise booked.
Still time to get a book deal though *grin*
Maybe you can book one of those cruises with a kids club? Of course, considering how many children you’d have to pay for, you’d be better off buying your own cruise ship.
What is it about turning 40 and the sudden explosion of facial hair? NOT HAPPY.
I’ve always been prone to the freakishly-long (blonde) hair that grows out the side of my face and one day makes itself known to me when I accidentally comb it with the rest of my head hair.
But the black hairs? These I could do without.
But on the up side, I have actually found myself the perfect pair of red shoes to turn 40 in (a life aim you and I obviously shared). Only problem is, I don’t have a dress (or any other garment) to wear with them. Hmmmmmm.
Oooh! I’m jealous of the red shoes. And you’ll find a dress. You’re building your 40th outfit from the ground up. Sometimes that’s easier than trying to retro-fit fabulous shoes once you’ve found them in a DFO bargain bin (like I’m planning to this week)…
Hey. It’s Movember. You are obviously so hot right now.
Brilliant! Here I am, tapping into the zeitgeist once again, and I didn’t even realise it!
*ugh* gastro.
I fortunately don’t get coldsores… but have a firm hair managment routine 😉 at not even 30! eeps
Keep the routine up in case you end up celebrating your 40th looking like a wookie! Although, that’d actually be quite cool, now that I think about it…
Had my 40th last year in November (be 41 soon) it was all low key, no party no nothing from hubby but hopefully my husband will give me a 50th I wont forget. (Not that I forgot the fun we had in the bedroom) ……..sleeping LOL
Good luck with you 40th
(((( Hugs ))))
NOTHING FROM HUBBY???
Sorry, I can’t get past those words. It’s all very well to play down your 40th and to have a quiet night in, but to have received nothing from your husband?
Hope he makes up for it this year.
Ahem. (Clears throat). I am here to tell you that the 40’s is when you finally have the balls (or girlie sutff) to abandon all fear of failure and go for it. What on earth do you mean by losing all hope of getting published?
I was published by no less than St. Martins’s Press (rather impressive in the USA) after reaching 40. I then went on to guest on radio and TV yada, yada. It can be done -and with less angst than in your 30’s and 20’s let me tell ya.
OK, so I also had a “bonus” baby after the age of 40 who wasn’t quite in the plans, But the other thing about becoming really old is that you learn to roll with the punches.
Vive la quarante!
Thanks for your sage words of advice, expatmum.
Don’t worry: I haven’t given up on the idea of getting published. It’s just that I had once hoped to have been published before I turned 40…
Actually, does printing out a couple of blog posts, stapling them together and selling them to your husband for a fiver count?
Quoted in “The Australian Women’s Weekly” is awesome. You’re on your way to that book deal.
Yes, my strategy is to walk slowly and carry a big drink… oh, and a big stick in case anyone tries to steal my big drink.
So, where is the photo/scan of the article? Slack woman, slack.
You’ll just have to go out and buy it (either that, or flick through it at the supermarket checkout like the mild-mannered lawyer’s mum).
It’s on page 102.
Best advice I’ve received recently – ‘You won’t care about all that stuff after a few drinks.’ Is true!
Peeps will be loving you on the night no matter what. Fact.
And you’ll be one of those people, right?
Great advice noted.
Darling, sweetie, darling, you know you’ll look senSAYshunul on your birthday no matter what you wear, darling.
If you do decide to go with bucket headwear just make sure it’s Bolly sweetie, there’s a good love.
Happy Early Birthday and congrats on be quoted! Mwah!
Good tip about the bucketwear. You can say so much with your choice of bucket. I’d been originally thinking of using one of the kids’ Bob The Builder ones (simply because it would be easier to dance with plastic on your head) but now I see the error of my ways.
Thank you, oh sparkly one.
NDM, my commiserations on your moustachioed cold sore .You can now buy Compeed patches to hide your sore, or maybe someone will surprise you with a pack for your birthday. How thoughtful is that? Better stick to air kissing, during your party. Try being quoted in Playboy. Trust me, the reader’s will never notice your face………
Also the readers will never notice what you’re being quoted as saying…
Never heard of the Compeed patches. Will check them out. Although this coldsore is very smart. It’s purchased a corner block in my mouth where I suspect no patch can cover it.
yes – compeed patches and a bit of lippy will work wonders. Also, there is a MIRACLE (and hidden) antibiotic cure – works better the earlier you get it but you could ask your friendly GP for a prescription for Valtrex (it’s for the ‘other’ type of herpes but works miracles on coldsores as well) – I haven’t had one in 10 years. Zoe from primped.com.au did a piece on cold sore solutions as well recently.
Or you could do what my mother did to me the week of my 21st when I was getting one – dosed me up with a bit of valium and told me it was cold sore medicine. No stress, no panic about the cold sore and was gone like magic!
I gotta get me some valium…
just get outrageously drunk before hand, you’ll stop caring.
… but I may also end up in bed before the speeches (yes, there’ll be speeches).
Big congratulations on achieving your ‘hindsight’ goal. Ok, so I kinda missed the article (which is odd as I’m usually an avid reader of this fascinating magazine for women of a certain age) but I rang my mum and she said… perhaps it was under your real name as apparently the AWW isn’t generally the type to quote under a pseudonym like Not Drowning. SO… what did you say, love?
Regarding the top lip – happy Movember. The month you can cheerfully call your own. x
I am quoted as “the anonymous writer behind the runaway success and incredibly hilarious blog ‘Not Drowning, Mothering'”.
Okay, so I added the words “runaway success and incredibly hilarious”.
It’s page 102 in the November issue (pink with Maggie Beer on the front) and it mentions some of my park innovation ideas – namely the self-pushing swing and the champagne fountain. I think to get such things mentioned in the AWW is a huge coup and definitely the equivalent of having a best-selling novel published. Definitely.
At 38, I’m starting to feel the snowball effect towards 40 and with it the concerning effects of growing older. Two whiskers were pulled from my chin recently. TWO! WHISKERS! Add to that symptoms of early menopause and I’m thrilled.
Love your blog NDM, congrats on the AWW quote and I do so hope that more than 3 people look you up. I found you through “The Ikea Post” which was linked from Ikea’s facebook page. Bless you for this blog!
Thanks, Ryn. Glad you found me.
The signs of early menopause sound like a fun way to lead you up to your 40th birthday…
I guess, though, if you’re experiencing hot flushes, you can legitimately say that you are “sohotrightnow’.
I found you through the Women’s Weekly!! I’m in the UK and mum organised a subscription for me… how nice is that.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog. Finding a great new blog is one of my favourite things so I’m very excited.
You are hot stuff… well done!
“Hot stuff” is high praise indeed, especially since it gives me an excuse to go around singing Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff!” for the rest of the day. Thanks!
Two blogs for $5 might be a technical publication. But it’s not a book (which requires a spine and usually around 64 typeset pages). That’s only 75 manuscript pages (double-spaced). You can make it happen.
Could I sell him an e-book of my blog instead? And by e-book, I mean the URL of this blog. Surely it counts for something…
Keep plugging away with that bucket list. Twenty-three years past where you are now, mine just keeps getting longer. Or else I just keep forgetting what was on it before.