The main purpose of the sleepover party is to take a group of children, get them high on sugar and hysterical through lack of sleep, and then release them back into the community.
The following documents my eight year old son’s recent sleepover party using the medium of ‘Twitter’. The tweets are fictitious but the events are (mostly) real.
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Keeping son’s party simple this year. No themes. No home-made pinatas. No party games. Just a few friends for bowling, tacos & sleepover.
1:03 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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My husband just left for bowling with five 8 year olds. I don’t think either of us realised what that actually meant until he was leaving.
2:47 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Yep. I can see I’ve made the right choice for my son’s party this year. I can say this mostly because I’m not actually at it yet.
3:46 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Husband has returned from bowling a mere shadow of his former pre-bowling self. He’s headed straight for the whisky.
5:15 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Husband has prised his lips away from the whisky bottle long enough to mutter something about letting the boys drink Coke. Oh, the humanity!
5:55 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Boys having punch-ups over custody of the Wii controller. That’d be the Coke talking, husband dear.
6:16 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Just read that my friend @bolshymum is having 4 kids under 6 sleep over. I have 7 under 9. We’re having a sleepover-off. Who will win?
6:48 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Apparently @bolshymum is already onto her second vodka. I, however, am competing without the aid of alcohol due to medical reasons.
6:52 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Stupid medical reasons.
6:53 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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.@bolshymum is claiming the first to get kids to bed is winner of sleepover-off. I’m looking at it more as an endurance event.
7:25 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Still, how reasonable is it for me to expect to get the kids into bed and asleep by 7:30 considering we haven’t had cake yet?
7:26 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Here is the cake. Somewhat eerily, it also depicts how I will look tomorrow.
8:02 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Kids now watching a movie. Bedtime seems another lifetime away.
8:14 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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News in that @bolshymum’s kids are all asleep. I expect she, herself, is about to pass out drunk. Ha! What a soft cock.
8:26 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Just told my husband if we’d had a ‘normal’ party, it’d have finished 5 hours ago. It’s not nice to see a grown man weep like that.
9:38 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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At least someone is tucked up asleep in bed, even if it’s just my husband.
9:49 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Movie finally finished. Kids running around screaming. I’ve left my husband’s empty whisky bottle in charge and am hiding in the toilet.
10:01 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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If I had a video camera rather than this iPhone, this would totally be my Blair Witch moment. I’m so scared. We’re going to die…
10:04 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Sorted! What a marvelous invention the sleeping bag is! I’ve zipped all the boys in. They might still be shouting but at least they can’t move.
10:48 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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What’s that noise? Oh god. It’s some one telling jokes. At 5:45am. Isn’t there something in the Geneva Convention to prevent this kind of thing?
5:45 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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Husband just asked if I was awake. I pretended to be dead.
5:56 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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2.5 hours to go. I am busy putting everyone’s belongings beside the door to make myself feel better.
7:28 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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I told the parents 10AM. TEN. A. M. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?
10:01 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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Son just thanked me for the Best. Party. Ever. I guess it wasn’t so bad. Of course, I can say this now that everyone’s gone home.
11:32 AM Aug 29th via Tweetdeck
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My husband just left for bowling with five 8yo. I don’t think it struck either of us what that would mean until he actually was leaving.
2:45 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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The last thing my husband said before he left was something about letting the boys drink Coke. Oh, the humanity!
2:47 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Husband has returned from bowling a mere shadow of his former pre-bowling self. He’s headed straight for the whiskey.
5:32 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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The boys are now punching each other up over custody of the Wii controllers. That’d be the Coke talking.
6:37 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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I have made an important discovery: the easiest way to diffuse conflict between 8yo boys is to accuse someone in the room of farting.
7:56 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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My friend @bolshymum has apparently got 4 kids under 6. I’ve got 7 under 9. We’re now having a sleepover-off. Who will win?
6:55 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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How reasonable is it for me to expect to have all seven kids asleep by 7:30 since we haven’t even had cake yet?
7:25 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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That @bolshymum is onto her 2nd vodka. I can’t drink because the antibiotics I’m on will make me chuck.
6:58 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Just realised that if we’d had a ‘normal’ birthday party, it would have finished 3 hours ago. Vodka’s looking good right now, vomit and all.
7:30 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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This was the birthday cake. It is also an eerie prediction of how I will look tomorrow.
7:42 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Now @bolshymum is claiming the winner of the sleepover-off is the 1st to get kids to bed. I’m thinking of it as more of an endurance event.
7:48 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Kids now watching a movie featuring Lucius Verenus and Diver Dan as Greek Gods. Bedtime seems another life time away.
8:02 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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Movie is violent AND scary. Kids will be up all night either whacking each other with sticks or freaked out of their skulls.
8:14 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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News in that @bolshymum’s kids are all asleep. Everyone here still wired on coke. My husband has slunk off to bed with the whisky.
8:46 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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One 8yo has gone home. I had a tear in my eye as he left. I wanted to go with him.
9:48 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Movie finished. Kids releasing pent-up energy by running and shouting. A lot. I’m hiding in the toilet.
10:02 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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The sleeping bag is a marvelous invention. I’ve zipped all the boys up. They might still be shouting but at least they can’t move.
10:28 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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What’s that noise? Oh god. It’s some one telling jokes. At 5:45am. Isn’t the Geneva Convention supposed to prevent this kind of thing?
5:45 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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Husband just asked if I was awake. I pretended to be dead.
5:56 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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2.5 hours to go. I am busy putting everyone’s belongings beside the door to make myself feel better.
7:28 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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I told the parents 10AM. TEN. A. M. Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY?
10:01 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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All guests have gone. The shouting has stopped. Let the over-tired sobbing begin, starting with…. me.
10:35 AM Aug 29th via Tweetdeck
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Daughter just asked if she could have a sleepover for 10 of her closest friends on her 6th birthday. I can’t stop shaking.
11:32 AM Aug 29th via Tweetdeck
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Daughter just asked to have sleepover for her 6th birthday. I can’t stop shaking.
2:45 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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My husband just left for bowling with five 8yo. I don’t think it struck either of us what that would mean until he actually was leaving.
2:45 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
____________________________________________________________
The last thing my husband said before he left was something about letting the boys drink Coke. Oh, the humanity!
2:47 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
____________________________________________________________
Husband has returned from bowling a mere shadow of his former pre-bowling self. He’s headed straight for the whiskey.
5:32 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
____________________________________________________________
The boys are now punching each other up over custody of the Wii controllers. That’d be the Coke talking.
6:37 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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I have made an important discovery: the easiest way to diffuse conflict between 8yo boys is to accuse someone in the room of farting.
7:56 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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My friend @bolshymum has apparently got 4 kids under 6. I’ve got 7 under 9. We’re now having a sleepover-off. Who will win?
6:55 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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How reasonable is it for me to expect to have all seven kids asleep by 7:30 since we haven’t even had cake yet?
7:25 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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That @bolshymum is onto her 2nd vodka. I can’t drink because the antibiotics I’m on will make me chuck.
6:58 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Just realised that if we’d had a ‘normal’ birthday party, it would have finished 3 hours ago. Vodka’s looking good right now, vomit and all.
7:30 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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This was the birthday cake. It is also an eerie prediction of how I will look tomorrow.
7:42 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
____________________________________________________________
Now @bolshymum is claiming the winner of the sleepover-off is the 1st to get kids to bed. I’m thinking of it as more of an endurance event.
7:48 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
____________________________________________________________
Kids now watching a movie featuring Lucius Verenus and Diver Dan as Greek Gods. Bedtime seems another life time away.
8:02 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
____________________________________________________________
Movie is violent AND scary. Kids will be up all night either whacking each other with sticks or freaked out of their skulls.
8:14 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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News in that @bolshymum’s kids are all asleep. Everyone here still wired on coke. My husband has slunk off to bed with the whisky.
8:46 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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One 8yo has gone home. I had a tear in my eye as he left. I wanted to go with him.
9:48 PM Aug 28th via Tweetdeck
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Movie finished. Kids releasing pent-up energy by running and shouting. A lot. I’m hiding in the toilet.
10:02 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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The sleeping bag is a marvelous invention. I’ve zipped all the boys up. They might still be shouting but at least they can’t move.
10:28 PM Aug 28th via Twitter for iPhone
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What’s that noise? Oh god. It’s some one telling jokes. At 5:45am. Isn’t the Geneva Convention supposed to prevent this kind of thing?
5:45 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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Husband just asked if I was awake. I pretended to be dead.
5:56 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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2.5 hours to go. I am busy putting everyone’s belongings beside the door to make myself feel better.
7:28 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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I told the parents 10AM. TEN. A. M. Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY?
10:01 AM Aug 29th via Twitter for iPhone
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All guests have gone. The shouting has stopped. Let the over-tired sobbing begin, starting with…. me.
10:35 AM Aug 29th via Tweetdeck
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Daughter just asked if she could have a sleepover for 10 of her closest friends on her 6th birthday. I can’t stop shaking.
11:32 AM Aug 29th via Tweetdeck
There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to induce me to have a sleepover party! You are a very brave woman and I bow to your superior abilities and resilience! Bet you are counting the days until your enforced alcohol drought is over!
Fortunately I am going to end my drought at the races with eight friends, wearing a fascinator that looks half-bird/half-showgirl… I’m sure you’ll read all about it next week, if it doesn’t end up on the nightly news, that is.
Next time do what we did in a similar situation. Let them camp outside and then scare the bejesus out of them by creeping up to the tent and pretending your a member of a zombie invasion. If they aren’t wanting to call their parents to take them home after that, you’re just not trying hard enough
I like your style.
Interestingly enough, my son’s home made invitations invited each guest to come to “[Mr Justice]’s DEADLY 8th BIRTHDAY”. I didn’t end up distributing them in case I had to explain to the parents that the ‘DEADLY’ part was a them thing and not an aspirational thing.
BY the way, if the boys had camped outside, I wouldn’t have needed to scare them. Genghis cat would’ve done all the work for me.
I was about to say ‘surely a girls sleepover will be calmer’ but then I recalled the contagion that is a small girl’s scream. Hats off to you NDM! I feel like a vodka shot at 8:30am just reading your post.
“The contagion that is a small girl’s scream” sums it up beautifully.
Also girls play all these complicated power trips on each other – “You’re my friend. You’re not my friend” kind of shit. Boys just punch each other a bit and get on with it.
For the record, I found the best way to diffuse any conflicts between eight year old boys was to accuse someone else in the room of farting. Got them laughing every time.
Ah so much to look forward to…
Ain’t that the truth…
I have no words. The Blair Witch Project? Shaky cam and all? I lost it at ‘hello’.
I probably even had the bead of snot hanging off the end of my nose and everything. All that was missing when I finally emerged from the toilet, was finding my husband in the corner of the room facing the wall…
I have absolutely refused to do a sleepover this year. I’m just.not.ready. Instead, I have agreed to a “Late Stay” ie party from 3-7.30pm. Yes, my intention is to satisfy their every desire for party food then send them home to their parents at 7pm on a Sunday night.
Why Sunday you ask? Well, it couldn’t be Grand Final Day, or Preliminary Final Day, or Friday night last night of school term. Weekdays would render me alone and without assistance (everybody else’s first choice) other than my younger 2 children. In the end the grandparents lost out (“You can’t do it on a Sunday because people visit their grandparents…”)
The arguments that have gone into this party date already do not bode well for the actual event…..
How long are these children visiting their grandparents on a Sunday? A 3pm start awards them plenty of time to get their grubby hands all over grandma’s best porcelain kitten collection and to throw grandpa’s bridge cards all over the loungeroom.
Good luck, Madame Zap. I shall look forward to hearing how it all goes…
sure as the sun shall rise, I shall NEVER host a slumber party (thanks to you! xo)
If just one person can learn from my experience and say ‘NEVER’ rather than ‘NEVER AGAIN’, I shall sleep soundly at night (or rather ‘soundly-ish’).
When my 6 year old daughter asks why she’s not allowed to have a sleepover for her birthday, I’m blaming you 😀 (perfect excuse right?)
Tweeting through a sleepover is to simply let others know your alive right?
Great post and Mmmm yum to the skull cake
Of those tweets that I actually sent out on Saturday night, only my friend @bolshymum was probably paying any close attention to them. If something had gone terribly wrong, I suspect her brain would have been too vodka-addled for her to take the appropriate steps…
Are the sleepovers ….. such memories….. and then they become teenagers and from there on in you thoroughly discourage ANY sort of sleepover – “No, you are staying in your bedroom BY yourself until you are at least 25!!!”
Should have said “ah the sleepovers” – trying to comment quickly when I am meant to be studying….. oops…..
I am very happy to have provided you some relief from your study.
The teen sleep-over is fraught with so much danger (alcohol, drugs, sex, movies starring Robert Pattinson) that i’m hoping I’ll get any contractual obligations over and done with early on…
Now I remember why I didn’t come and read this in the first place. Broke out in a cold sweat at the memories. You probably now have an idea why I hated sleepovers so much. The good news is they eventually grow out of them. I’m not feeling sad any more – just frightened by my bad memories. I’m off to find some Valium!
Sorry, annieb25. I should have warned you. I remember you were getting stressed just reading my tweets on Saturday night.
can’t speak with the dread. . .
C’mon lewlewlew, surely with your own four kids, you must have a few tales of sleepover horror to share? Or are they so horrible that you’re currently in a corner, rocking back and forth with the memory of it all…?
You totally should be the queen of Twitter Tales. http://tales.twitter.com/
@thebloggess isn’t a patch on you imo.
I still envy you and all your funny awesome.
x
Aw thanks, sweet Jayne. I emailed a link to the Twitter Tales people but am kind of hoping they ignore me so I can write another Open Letter. I think they’re like colonic irrigation for my addled soul.
By the way, I often think of your “Twitter: I wish I could quit you” line from your blog mostly because I desperately wish I’d been clever enough to think of it.
So far I’ve managed to redirect the conversation any time sleepover parties are mentioned. I find saying “who wants some icecream” can distract even the most enthusiastic requests.
Next time, send your husband out with the kids to bowling then pack and overnight bag and head off to a local motel before he gets home. 🙂
This is perhaps the wises advice I have ever received. Luckily my husband never reads my blog so he won’t see it coming.
You probably just handled it wrong. I’m sure my daughter’s sleep overs will be restrained, chaste affairs full of whimsical story telling and early bed times while the Mrs and I attend a royal ball.
If by ‘whimsical storytelling’ you mean ‘hysterical screaming’, you are right on the money, Mr Idle.
I read all the mum blogs with glee, as I don’t have children. Oh, happy day!………
Since us mum bloggers give you such joy, you should repay us by hosting all our children for a giant sleepover party while we go dancing the night away at AnIdleDad’s ‘royal ball’.
Whaddaya say?
AS IF ! We have like you, a totally unreasonable cat. That’ll do us, thank you……….
My daughter went to a sleepover earlier this year, that the mum hosting called The OVER – as in there was no sleeping, and thank fuck it is OVER.
One of my strongest memories of childhood is a friend’s mother loudly and firmly stating from the loungeroom door at 2am “I hope you’re enjoying your Slumber Party Karen, because IT’S THE LAST ONE YOU WILL EVER HAVE!”
I have my limits for sleepovers. 1 kid.
I also hold the crown for Meanest Mum Ever six years running, at last count. Just try and take it from me.
Can I please get you to handle all negotiations for future sleepovers? PLEASE?
I can verify that Meredith @ thinkthinks is indeed the Meanest Mum Ever. Her children are forced to walk to school (even if it is raining), carry their own school bags and she refuses to even discuss letting her 12 year old have a mobile phone. I have been tempted on many occasions to report her to DOCS.
I’m sorry?
‘The tweets are fictitious’?
I’m sure I recall following this event as it unrolled, live on Twitter. I seem to remember that my hand hovered over the phone time and again, as I wondered whether the first priority would be to call the emergency services or the men in the white coats…
PS. Thanks for the lovely hand-scrawled Thank You note – I’m soooo pleased that you liked the nice padded room…
PPS. My 6 year old has been asking for a sleepover for his 7th birthday. Could you book the room next door for me?
True, true. I started out using the original tweets and then the writer in me had to edit them to make for a better and funnier post. Turns out I’m not that funny on twitter when I’m stressed out of my brain because five eight year-olds are shooting each other execution-style with Nerf guns.
Perhaps your son and my daughter could have their sleep-overs together and we can leave our partners in charge while we (at Susan @ ReadingUpsideDown’s suggestion) skip off to a posh hotel in the city with a cocktail bar that does room service?
Truly hilarious, I had ten 16 year olds for a sleepover in February, the nervous tic in my eye has only just stopped so I feel your pain.
I suspect my husband’s hangover may last as long as your tic…
I’ve had too many sleepovers …I never learn from my mistakes and you know mother guilt and all …made me do it again.
This time round with twin boys ….never !
Yours was by far the wittiest sleepoveroff I’ve read !
Twin boys? Doesn’t that mean ‘double the trouble’? You probably get that a lot. Still, with sleepovers, the old ‘eight guests for turning eight’ rule becomes redundant because you end up with sixteen guests and that shit ain’t funny.
I’ve been looking forward to letting my kids have sleepovers since I gave birth. Now? I’m re-thinking the whole deal.
Let me reassure you by saying that sleepovers in their standard garden-variety form are a bit trying, but (mostly) fine. Why, we’ve had three kids (siblings, three different ages) come to stay and it was actually quite fun.
However, once you get more than two kids of the same age who aren’t related… *that’s* when you get trouble.
Hilarious! There is no way on God’s green earth that I would ever host a sleepover without the aid of a lot of vodka and xanax…
I totally agree. I guess that makes me either a madwoman or a saint. Or both?
I am sick of sleepovers. I hate them!
Adult sleepovers (before marriage) are the only fun variety.
Coolest Cake Ever! Does it come in Chocolate Mud?
This is very true of sleepovers, my sister is currently trying to keep them at bay my niece is coming up nine and sister is dreading them! You have summed it up well xx